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You suck at cooking, yeah you totally suck.
你的厨艺弱爆了，完全弱爆了。
Today we're making French fries, which is a process that transforms this hard round sour ball into crunchy pointy tasty sticks.
今天我们做炸薯条，就是把这个坚硬的圆形酸球变成脆脆的尖形的美味的小棍。
The first thing we're gonna do is select our potato.
首先就是选择土豆。
Russet potatoes, also known as baking potatoes, are one of the most popular choices.
棕色土豆，也被称为能烤的土豆，是最受欢迎的选择之一。
Their low-moisture and high-starch content make for great French fries.
这种土豆低水分、高淀粉，做出来的薯条会很好。
But if you do choose russet potatoes, warning: make sure you don't accidentally choose cuss-it potatoes.
但如果你选择了棕色土豆，警告：确保不要不小心选择了骂人的土豆。
Hello, why don't you go take a flight, f***.
你好，你怎么不去飞呢？
Now we're going to peel our potatoes, which I'm gonna do with the potato peeler, which is a tool used to peel potatoes by removing their peel.
现在削土豆皮，用土豆削皮器来削，削皮器就是用来削土豆皮的工具。
While peeling it with the peeler, you can also drop them against your cutting board, or you can smash them against the wall.
在用削皮器来削皮的时候，你也可以把土豆扔到砧板上，或者砸到墙上。
But it's far easier to sneak into a potato nudist colony where they've already done that work for you.
但更容易的方法是潜入裸体土豆的聚集地，在那里他们已经把皮脱光了。
Now we're going to chop the potatoes in approximately one quarter inch wide slices, which is 0.635 centimeters or 0.0069 yards.
现在把土豆切成大约四分之一英寸厚的切片，也就是0.635厘米或0.0069码。
Nice.
不错啊
And if you want to minimize slicing and save a lot of time, go ahead and make one extra thick fry.
如果你想尽量少切片，节省很多时间，那就直接做一个超厚的炸薯条。
French fries.
好薯条啊。
Before we fry, we're gonna boil with a couple tablespoons of white vinegar, to keep the potatoes from disintegrating, and salt, to keep them from tasting like nothing.
在油炸之前，加几勺白醋，以防止土豆碎掉，还有盐，以防它们尝起来什么味道都没有，然后用水煮一下。
We'll boil these for 8 to 10 minutes, which will ultimately result in the fries being more crispy because of reasons.
煮8到10分钟，这能让薯条更脆，原因就是某种原因。
Now I'll lay these down to an open kitchen towel, and we'll let the precipitation cycle take care of the moisture as it evaporates into a cloud, which then moves over and rains down into the sink.
现在把土豆条放在一条摊开的厨房毛巾上，然后让水循环把水分带走，因为水分会蒸发成云，然后云移动到水槽上形成降雨。
You should technically be able to microwave the potatoes instead of boiling them, although I haven't seen anyone do it for French fries.
按道理，你应该可以用微波炉来代替煮土豆，尽管我还没有看到有人这样做。
I'm going to be frying these in peanut oil because peanuts have a hard crispy shell, and that peanut shell DNA gets passed into the potatoes, making them much crisper.
我会用花生油来炸薯条，因为花生有坚硬的脆壳，花生壳的DNA会进入土豆，让土豆也变得脆脆的。
Now I'm using my fryer because it's the safest way for a basket case like me with no attention span because it never lets the temperature get out of control, which is how oil catches fire.
我用的是油炸锅，因为像我这种注意力发散的癫公，用油炸锅是最安全的，因为它不会让温度失控，温度过高就会让油燃起来。
If you do this on the stove top, use a Dutch oven or another appropriate vessel, and definitely an oil thermometer,
如果你在炉子上炸，最好用荷兰锅或其他合适的容器，当然还要有油温计，
or just order fries and leave it to the pros, because this is just another thing you're going to use to procrastinate instead of finishing all those projects you've been trying to do for years.
或者干脆点外卖，让专业人士来炸薯条，因为炸薯条只会成为你拖延不去完成那些你多年来就想做的事情的借口。
Come on. Focus.
拜托，专心点。
Now we're gonna do fry number one.
现在我们炸第一遍。
My oil is at 375 because that's how high my fryer goes.
我的油温是375度，因为我的油炸锅最高就是这个温度。
And I'm going to fry these for around one minute.
我要把这些炸一分钟左右。
Then I'm going to let that oil drain off and spread them out on a paper towel pan.
然后把油沥出来，然后把它们铺在纸巾盘上。
We're gonna let them cool down to room temperature for around 20 or 30 minutes before putting them back in the oil.
让薯条冷却到室温，大约放20到30分钟，然后再放回油里。
Hey, you guys want to go on another trip?
嘿，你们想再去油锅里玩一趟吗？
Okay, here we go.
好，来吧。
Now we'll let these fry for around three and a half minutes until they start to get nice and golden brown.
现在油炸大约三分半钟，直到它们开始变成金黄色。
The reason the fries get crisper and taste better when you fry them twice is because of science.
炸两次会让薯条变得更脆、更好吃就是因为某种科学道理。
Then we're gonna throw them in a paper towel bowl.
然后把薯条扔到纸碗里。
Sprinkle some magical minerals on the exterior and give them a ride in the gravitron.
在上面撒一些神奇矿物质，让它们去转盘里转一圈。
All right, it's cheese sauce time.
好了，奶酪酱时间到。
First we're gonna dismantle a block of cheddar until we have around a cup.
首先干碎一大块切达干酪，削一杯左右的奶酪碎。
Heat up a saucepan and throw in a tablespoon-ish of butter, then play Pong until it's melted.
加热平底锅，再加入一勺左右的黄油，然后像打乒乓球游戏一样摇晃直到黄油融化。
Then an equal amount of flour gets whisk-jangled in.
然后加入等量的面粉并搅拌在一起。
That's browning fast because I should be on medium low instead of medium. But nothing's wrong. It's fine and that's our roux.
很快就变成棕色了，因为我应该开中低火而不是中火。但问题不大。一切都很好，这个油面酱就做好了。
Not rue, not roo, and not rewe, roux, also known as roux.
油面酱的拼写是roux，不是rue，不是roo，也不是rewe，而是roux，也叫“饶克斯”。
Now we'll add in around a cup of milk going through the seven stages of clumpitude until we have this nice and creamy thing going on.
现在加入一杯牛奶，经过七个阶段的凝块融化后，就这个丝滑的奶油状液体。
And then we'll lower the heat and add in that dismantled cheese, and bam, sauce.
然后把火调低，加入奶酪碎，哈：酱汁有了。
And bam again, garlic powder.
再来一次，忘加大蒜粉。
And bam one more time, freeze dried chives.
再来一次，忘加冷冻干香葱。
Where do the bams end, nobody knows.
什么时候才做好，没有人知道。
Let's pour some of that cheese sauce into our cheese sauce dish and we're ready to eat delicious French fries with cheese sauce from the cheese sauce dish.
现在把奶酪酱倒入酱碗中，然后就可以从酱碗里吃美味的薯条蘸奶酪酱了。
But there's a far crispier fry than this: broken fries.
但还有比这种薯条更脆的薯条：碎薯条。
They're so good I broke an entire batch to make the ultimate grease nugget French fries.
这种薯条超级脆，所以我把一批薯条都弄碎了，然后做成了这种黄金油炸碎薯条。
These are basically the half popped popcorn kernels of French fries.
这基本上就是爆了一半的爆米花薯条。
But if you dislike the French, you can always have some Dutch fries instead,
但如果你不喜欢法国，你也可以吃荷兰薯条，
or some Texan fries, or some Italian fries, or some Japanese fries, or some traditional English fries.
或者德克萨斯薯条，意大利薯条，日本薯条，以及传统的英国薯条。
