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You suck at cooking, yeah you totally suck.
你的厨艺弱爆了，完全弱爆了。
Behold. Cauliflower Mac and Cheese.
请看，花菜芝士通心粉。
But it's more like "Mac" and Cheese because we're substituting the macaroni for cauliflower.
但它更像是"通心粉"和芝士，因为我们用通心粉代替了花菜。（睁眼说反话）
Don't @ me.
别跟我杠。
To make sure you don't confuse cauliflower with collie flower or colic flower.
为了确保你不会把花椰菜和牧羊菜狗、幼儿腹痛搞混，
Noobody wants to eat that.
没人会想吃那个小宝宝，
Keep in mind that cauliflower and macaroni are almost the same thing.
请记住，花椰菜和通心粉几乎是一回事。
They're both light in color; they're both good for your teeth; and they both grow in the wild.
它们都是浅色的，对牙齿都有好处，而且都生长在野外。
But most importantly, they're both part of the important food group.
但最重要的是，它们都是一种很重要的食物。
CHEESE DELIVERY SYSTEMS, which includes crackers, broccoli And your finger.
即芝士运输系统，包括饼干、西兰花和你的手指头。
Daaamn that's a good finger.
哇塞，这手指头真不错。
We're gonna use one large head of fresh cauliflower. Or you can use up to 12 cauliflower bricks.
可以用一大棵新鲜花菜，你也可以用12块花菜小方块。
We're going to use the power of finger strength to break these into bite sized pieces and remove the bones unless you prefer "bone in" Mac and Cheese.
用手指的力量把花菜掰成能一口吃进去的小块，然后去掉梗，除非你喜欢吃带梗的芝士通心粉。
Then we'll colan-dry and pat and dry.
然后用滤锅把水沥干，用毛巾拍打擦干。
Add in three tablespoons of olive oil, some salt and pepper pepper pepper.
加入三汤匙橄榄油，一些盐和胡椒胡椒胡椒。
Then we're going to take a conscious step away from our wanjangling addiction.
然后我们要刻意戒掉对搅拌器的沉迷，
And use this as an opportunity to perfect the toss.
并利用这个机会来精进掂锅技术。
The toss is a handy little piece of physics that harnesses the power of gravity to get all the olive oil into the crooks and the crannies of the cauliflower, yeehaw!
掂锅超方便，利用重力就能让橄榄油渗入花菜的所有缝隙，耶呼！
You can also throw the cauliflower on spin cycle.
你也可以晃动旋转花菜。
If you don't want the hassle of dismantling fresh cauliflower, you can use frozen cauliflower, also known as "ro-kcaulflower".
如果你不想这么麻烦地掰开新鲜花菜，你也可以用冷冻花菜，也叫"石头花菜"。
It'll turn out more mushy but will still excel at delivering cheese sauce to the body system.
冻花菜口感更软糊一些，但也能很好地把芝士输送进你的身体系统。
Remember that it has a whole different set of acoustics that aren't any worse "Or better, it just sounds like rocks.
记住，它有一套完全不同的声音，不会差到哪里去，"甚至更好听，像石头碰撞的声音一样。
But cha gotta be careful when you throw it in the pot. But cha not gonna throw it in a pot cause we don't boil Cauliflower, NO.
但你把花菜扔进锅里的时候要小心，但你不会把它扔进锅里，因为花菜不用煮，不用。
And remember if you're making this for a fussy baby, the cauliflower bones can be easily chopped into noodle shapes, if you want to waste an absolute f**k ton of time.
如果你是给挑食的宝宝做这道菜，花菜的梗可以切成面条形状，如果你想浪费很多时间的话。
Now we're gonna take a parchement-paper-coated pan and slide our cauliflower on randomly, so it tastes unpredictable.
现在把花菜随机倒入铺了羊皮纸的烤盘里，这样花菜的味道就充满随机性。
And keep in mind your ABV's (Always Bake Vegetables) and your EWB's (Except When Boiling),
这时候要牢记ABV准则（蔬菜一定要烤）和EWB准则（除了煮的蔬菜），
WVR (Which should be Very Rarely), LSP (Like Sometimes Potatoes).
还有WVR准则（煮蔬菜的情况比较少见），以及LSP准则（比如煮土豆）。
Alright STFU--Start The Friggin Undoh on 420-fundo.
最后STFU准则：把烤箱开到420度。
Now remember, white tastes boring and brown tastes good, so we'll bake these until they start to brown.
现在请记住，白色东西的味道很无聊，棕色东西的味道很好，所以我会把花菜烤到它有点变成棕色。
Now let's get to work on that cheese sauce.
现在开始制作芝士酱料。
You're gonna need a cup of milk, four teaspoons of flour, five ounces (or 150 grams) of shredded medium cheddar (remember, M stands for Maximum Meltitude),
需要一杯牛奶，四茶匙面粉，五盎司(150克)切碎的中度切达干酪(记住，M代表最大融度)，
two teaspoons of sriracha, and around 57 chives.
两茶匙是拉差辣酱和大约57根细香葱。
I also added in a half-teaspoon of salt.
我还加了半茶匙的盐。
Now you want to chop these chives up finely.
现在把这些香葱切得很碎。
Some people worry about the word "chives" having the word "hives" in it,
有些人觉得chives这个词里有hives(蜂巢)这个词，听起来不好，
but it also rhymes with "high fives", so let's not be negative, you pessimistic son of a...Which saucepan should you use? Doesn't really matter.
但chives也和high fives(击掌)押韵，所以不要太消极，你这个悲观的......应该用哪个平底锅？其实不重要（只是岔开话题）。
Alright, let's check on the cauliflower. We're gonna wrassle these up and bake them a little bit browner. Be not afraid.
好的，让我们来看看花菜。搅和搅和，再烤得更棕一点吧。不要怕。
Get that cup of milk in and heat it up to medium, and whisk in that flour.
把牛奶放进去，用中火加热，然后加入面粉。
Now work in those chive-y particles, add in the sriracha or other hot sauce, and the salt.
现在加入香葱颗粒，加入是拉差或其他辣酱，以及盐。
Now wangjangle while bringing it up to a boil, and make sure to block the view with your hand.
现在边搅拌边让它煮到沸腾，并确保用手挡住镜头。
We'll remove it from the heat, and then sprinkle in and combine that cheddar.
现在把锅离火，然后把切达干酪撒进去，搅拌混合。
Or you can keep it on the heat and watch as the cheese becomes an irredeemable glob of gloop inside a pot of steaming milk. Your cheese sauce, your life.
你也可以不离火，然后眼睁睁看着奶酪在一锅热气腾腾的牛奶中变成不可挽回的一团黏糊糊的东西。你的芝士酱，由你选择。
By the way, when that cheese sauce cools and thickens, it makes excellent savory frosting.
顺便说一句，这个芝士酱冷却变稠之后，就是超美味的咸口糖霜。
Now our cauliflower has gone through a butterfly-like transformation into something beautifully delicious, and you have a choice here.
现在我们的花菜经历了化茧成蝶般的转变，变得超美味，现在你有几个选择。
You can plate the cauliflower and then drizzle, or just give it a ride down the parchment paper express and combine it in the pot.
你可以把花菜放在盘子里，然后淋上酱，也可以让羊皮纸快递送它下锅，然后在锅里和酱搅拌均匀。
Keep in mind that what you're doing when you make cauliflower Mac and cheese is tricking yourself into eating vegetables.
记住，当你做花菜芝士通心粉时，你不过是在骗自己吃蔬菜。
Just like the olden days, when vegetables used to be disguised as fish.
就像以前蔬菜被伪装成鱼一样。
Cauliflower Mac and cheese, more like "Mac yes please".
花菜芝士通心粉，应该说"就是通心粉好吗"。
Please, can I squeeze in anymore cauliflower Mac and cheeeeeeese.
我能再吃一些花菜芝士通心粉吗？
