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You suck at cooking, yeah you totally suck.
你的厨艺弱爆了，完全弱爆了。
Today we're making ice cream, not to be confused with creamed ice, the official cereal of Norway.
今天我们做冰淇淋，不要把冰淇淋和奶油冰搞混了，奶油冰是挪威官方麦片。
Never soggy.
口感永远爽脆。
The base of this recipe consists of only two ingredients just like my favorite drink, water.
这个食谱的基底只有两种原料，就像我最喜欢的饮料--水--一样。
Now we're gonna take two cups or around 500 milliliters of whipping cream and pour that into a bowl.
现在我们取两杯或大约500毫升的淡奶油，倒入碗中。
And get our motorized blendicles working at somewhere between three and forty five thousand rpms.
然后把机动搅拌器调到每分钟3000到45000转的转速。
If you don't like holding things and you don't have a stand mixer, you can make a duct tape mixer instead.
如果你不喜欢手里拿着东西，又没有立式搅拌机，那么你可以做一个胶带搅拌机。
Or you can use a whisk if you want to turn your bicep into a thi-cep.
或者，如果你想把你的二头肌变成三头肌，你也可以用手动打蛋器。
And just whip that cream into a fury.
把奶油搅到气呼呼的状态。
You'll know it's furious enough when you get these jagged soft angry peaks.
有这种尖尖软软的愤怒山尖时，就表示它足够生气了。
If you end up with hard peaks, congrats. You're actually hiking a mountain.
如果你最后搅出来的奶油尖很硬，那恭喜你，你实际上是在爬山。
Now we're gonna add a can of sweetened condensed milk, which you do by taking a can of regular milk and condensing it.
现在加入一罐加糖炼乳，把一罐普通牛奶压缩一下就成了炼乳。
And then add it in, turning this from whipped cream and condensed milk into whippenced krilk.
加入炼乳，把淡奶油和炼乳变成炼淡乳。
Then we'll add two teaspoons of pure vanilla extract, or three if you want it really vanilly.
然后加入两茶匙纯香草精，如果你想要香草味很浓的话，就加三茶匙。
Oops, sidelight. Turns out the base is three ingredients.
哎呀，说漏了。原来基底由三种原料组成。
And I'm also going to throw in a small pinch of salt.
我还会加一小撮盐。
It's not an ingredient, it's just a rock.
盐不是原料，是石头。
If you're ever wondering if salt belongs in something, just look at the ingredients.
如果你想知道某样东西里是否有盐，只要看看原料是什么就行了。
And if they're made of food, then the answer is yes.
如果是由食物制成的，那么就肯定有盐。
And there you have it. The ice cream base, one of my top 15 favorite colloidal emulsions.
这样就做好了。冰淇淋基底，我最喜欢的15种胶体乳剂之一。
Once you freeze it, it'll come out like hard scoop ice cream.
把它冷冻一下，它的硬度就会变得像勺子挖出来的冰淇淋一样。
Ah, just got waxed.
啊，滴到我手上了。
Keep in mind it's only homemade ice cream if you make it at home.
记住，只有在家里做的冰淇淋才是家制冰淇淋。
You can also make car-made ice cream, or forest-made ice cream, or shower-made ice cream, whatever you want.
你也可以做汽车冰淇淋，森林冰淇淋，或者淋浴冰淇淋，什么都可以。
The first flavor we'll make is cookies and cream.
我们要做的第一种口味是饼干和奶油味。
I recommend double-chocolate-disc-vanilla-sandwich cookie crisps as a good option.
我推荐双层巧克力加香草夹心曲奇饼干。
We'll grab our rolling pin, lay these cookies out on a cutting board, and then smash them with a hammer
拿起滚滚棒，把饼干放在切菜板上，然后用锤子把它们砸碎，
until they're small enough to fit inside your mouth or the mouth of someone you love, or the mouth of someone you hate who's lactose intolerant.
砸碎成可以放进你嘴里，或者你爱的人的嘴里，或者你讨厌的乳糖不耐受的人的嘴里的饼干碎。
As far as how many cookies to put in, it's somewhere between a sh* load and a metric f* up.
至于要放入多少饼干，差不多就是很多和超级多之间的样子。
Then we'll wanjangle those in there.
然后把它们搅拌均匀。
Then put that in the temperature plummeter.
然后放入温度速降机。
The way you turn this vanilla ice cream into chocolate ice cream is by adding chocolate.
要把这个香草冰淇淋变成巧克力冰淇淋，方法就是加入巧克力。
I'm adding this chocolate fudge sauce.
我加的是这种巧克力软糖酱。
You can use cocoa powder, which you might want to dissolve in water first, or chocolate syrup.
你也可以用可可粉，但要先用水把可可粉融化，或者也可以用巧克力糖浆。
I'm also going to try to create a bit of a fudge ribbon here.
我还想试试用糖酱画一条丝带的感觉。
Then we'll throw that in the air densifier.
然后把它扔进空气浓缩器里。
For the last one I'm going to mix in a teaspoon of fresh ginger dust.
最后一种口味，我要加一茶匙新鲜的姜粉。
Then we'll put down a layer of ice cream and drizzle on some caramel.
然后铺上一层冰激凌，淋上一些焦糖。
Then another layer of ice cream and more caramel.
然后再铺上一层冰淇淋，再加一些焦糖。
Then keep on doing this until you have authentic ice cream lasagna.
重复这个操作，你就能做出正宗的冰淇淋千层面。
This is ginger caramel surprise.
这是姜味焦糖惊喜口味。
The surprise is that you know exactly what's in it.
惊喜的是，你完全知道惊喜口味是什么味道。
Then we'll throw that into the winter box.
然后把它扔进冬天的盒子里。
But look don't get wrapped up in these conventional flavors and think you gotta just make what everybody else makes.
但是，不要只顾着做这些传统的口味，认为别人做什么，你就做什么。
You can make potato flavor, ghost flavor, charcuterie flavor, matrix flavor, space flavor, jackson pollock flavor.
你还可以做土豆味、幽灵味、熟肉味、黑客帝国味、太空味、杰克逊·波洛克味。
Climate change is a real flavor. Whatever you want really.
气候变化也是一种真的存在的口味。万物皆可，真的。
When you serve this, avoid scooping from the corner so it doesn't taste jagged.
要把冰淇淋端上桌时，不要从角落里挖，这样味道就很润滑。
As you can see, the ice creams turned out really nice here, and also my kitchen is a friggin sauna.
如你所见，这次的冰淇淋做得很不错，厨房里也像桑拿房一样热得要死。
But it tastes best when it's a bit melted so.
但是稍微融化一点的话味道是最好的。
Now you can put your ice cream on an ice cream cone if you want.
现在，如果你愿意，也可以把冰淇淋放在蛋筒上。
And you can also kick mother nature in the balls while you're at it, since she already made a perfect cone called the carrot,
随你怎么放，因为大自然母亲已经做了现成的蛋筒，那就是胡萝卜。
which also makes your ice cream super healthy, which is all we ever wanted in an ice cream.
这种蛋筒还能让你的冰淇淋超级健康，我们吃冰淇淋不就是为了健康吗。
Yum.
对吧。
