个人陈述批改：申请加拿大教育硕士专业。TPO小站综合点评及批改意见：此篇个人陈述内容不够完整，最后结尾段缺失，需要补充对申请院校的认识以及说明未来的职业规划。文章结构有问题，看起来非常乱。主干部分的内容都在介绍相关的社会实践，而忽略了对于课程学习及表现的介绍，反而是倒数第二段的内容才是是写关于学习方面的表现，显得有些头重脚轻。对于在校学生来说，学习是最重要的，所以需要补充学习方面的内容。

原文：

I was impressed by the sentence given by my American Film Literacy teacher: The way a story told is a part of the story. What I want to express is, the way a personal statement of intent told is merely a part of me. Although I will try my best to elaborate myself, I do hope I will have the opportunity to introduce myself in person. Raised by my grandfather who is major in educational administration, I daily and hourly received an invisible, formative influence originated in educational theories. This kind of influence, originated in educational theories, just like first language, plays a crucial role in my career decision.

Even before I started to learn about educational theories, I start imitating the way my grandfather used as a professional educator. In first language, this is called "babbling". In my life, I call it fate or destiny. I think I am born to be an educator. Thus, without any hesitation, I chose English education as my major of bachelor degree. Honestly, it is a great honor for me to be a student at my university's Jinghengyi honorary college, for all students in my college are elites of my university.

As for my academic background, I do seize every possible possibility to train my ability to be a qualified educator. For instance, I volunteered to use practical psychology knowledge which I learned in my educational courses to tutor illiterate and minor offenders in improving mental health. After six-month's weekly tutor, I was astonished at a letter given by an offender named Fang. The letter said that I am the very first person to tell her to cherish herself and ways to curb impatience which were absolutely novel and useful to her.

To tell the truth, initially, I did volunteer to meet the requirement of my college, for it is difficult for me to see what is behind volunteer. However, afterwards, I begin to hold positive attitude towards volunteer. And then, I tend to enjoy teaching Changkeng elementary school students English during the summer of 2012. It did not occur to me that poverty has such a pervasive influence with clear ramifications for social development until I taught those kids living in economic disadvantage area. According to their descriptions, getting educated is the most crucial and mere solution they can think of to extricate themselves from tough positions. Till then, I am conscious of my obligation and responsibility of being an educator. And this is the exact factor stimulate and motivate my desire for graduate study, for what I've learned during my bachelor study is completely not enough for me to achieve my goal of being a qualified educator.

Nevertheless, my being-a-qualified-educator road is not plain sailing. As a planner and leader of volunteer program, I found that it is quite hard to meet every member's demands and free-riders could desperately ruin a program. Unfortunately, I encountered two of my picky group members happened to be free-riders when we group were teaching ADHD (Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder) kids English. At first, I regarded these two persons as a total disaster and cried stealthily. Even if I felt terrible for the existence of free-riders, I encourage rest of group members to focus on teaching kids and to positively communicate with those two persons. It turned out that they were playing some so-called tactics to express their complaint towards their assignments. Virtually, I had heard that communication is the real king pin rather than group leader. Sincerely, we human do rely on communication, according to my personal experience. Hence, I started to lead positive communication among my group members, my friends, and my family. Sometimes, we need to make a concession and do transposition thinking.

Think back to my freshman year, because of those required courses given by my honorary college, such as calculus and applied physics, I did not succeed at my grade points. Hence, my grade point average may not be as competitive as other applicants. Realized my dilemma, I put in a lot of hard work in my curriculum during sophomore and junior years. As a result, my grade points are notably ascending.

Thanks to my mother's instruction, I reached the highest grade of piano grade examination of China when I was only 14 years old. However, no pains no gains. I started playing the piano when I was 4 years old. What's more, I won the fifth prize of our university's fifth swimming competition in 2011. Based on those prizes, I think I am excellent in both musical instrument and gymnastics.

TPO小站综合点评及批改意见：

总的来说，这篇个人陈述内容不够完整，最后结尾段缺失，需要补充对申请院校的认识以及说明未来的职业规划。还有就是文章结构有问题，看起来非常乱。主干部分的内容都在介绍相关的社会实践，而忽略了对于课程学习及表现的介绍，反而是倒数第二段的内容才是是写关于学习方面的表现，显得有点头重脚轻，因此建议对于学术部分的介绍要挪到社会实践之前，而且要进一步细化在学习中的表现，擅长的科目，取得的成绩以及学习收获。另外，这篇个人陈述第一段的前半部分内容，很文艺但是显得有些多余。如果要写，就建议调整一下，以引出自己将要申请的方向。