个人陈述批改：申请首尔大学。TPO小站综合点评及批改意见：这篇英文个人陈述字数过多，内容太看，看起来很累人。虽然文章写得非常声情并茂，但申请动机及申请专业不明显，而且也不知道是要申请本科，硕士还是博士。这是PS的一大禁忌。当然读到后边，才慢慢知道你现在已经是本科学生，因此可能是申请研究生或是博士。PS的行文风格要更academic一些，多从专业角度去写，精简与专业无关的内容。

原文：

Personal Statement

Born in a family where the father is a policeman, I have been taught to behave myself from my childhood. My father has never failed to teach me to be a person of persistence and honesty. With these two strong points, I have conquered many difficulties through my efforts. And it is from my mother that I learned to be patient and hard-working. Without these two characters, I will never understand the satisfied feelings when achieve the goal I was struggling for. Our family is an ordinary one, but it never lacks of happiness and energy.

I think the most gigantic changes in my life began to take place from the decision of going to the top three senior high schools in my province, by which I knew there would always be someone better and learned to face the difficulties directly instead of escaping. I have went through my primary and junior middle school in my hometown, which is a small town, and at that time I ranked mainly the first place of the class, even among the whole grade. But the great achievements had nothing to do with my talent, but mostly because of my interest and diligence in the study. I was so interested in studying that even my little brother's noise could not disturb me at all. I did well so that I was admitted by one of the best senior high schools in the city, which gathered the most-outstanding students through out the province. I was so excited that I even accepted by the Mathematical Olympiad Class. But the enthusiasm declined after the first exam, compared with other elites, I was defeated by most of them and my grades fell to the middle. I was deeply exhausted. But it is that exam that not only frustrated me a lot but also warned me up to keep on. I had known that previous achievements could not stand for present conditions, let alone the future. Since then on, I have been conscious about studying is like rowing upstream, if I slow down, the only result is falling behind. I made my senior high school a bridge to my dreams-going for a further study. Through my efforts, I got a relatively high score in the entrance examination and got an offer of a satisfying university-Yanbian University, what's more, the department is my favorite one-geography.

Actually, I got really much more interested in geography after listening to a lecture of geographic science when I was in my senior middle school. Before then, geography was also my inclination because I just interested in different kinds of natural phenomenon like the planet movement, the exchanges of the four seasons and so on. But after the lecture I had known geography was not only about that. The professor who gave the lecture said that we could see every place on earth even the windows of my house with the help of remote sensing. We are able to use geographic tech to estimate our environment, observe the changes of objects on earth along time, and even predict the disaster from some geographical indicators. Wow, how excited. I was deeply attracted by geography.
Everything went well when I attend the university; I was so fascinated by the various kinds of geographic subjects- human geography, physical geography, meteorology, astronomy, economic geography and so on. It seems like a knowledge sea to me and I absorb it eagerly. With the experience of the big strike in my senior middle, I know I can't slow down my pace. A chance came to me when I was a freshman that I was selected to participate in a project to digitalize the relief maps. That was my first time to do project and I have learned much practical knowledge that can't be learned in textbooks. The project came into a big success and I was so proud of myself. Although I only did little part, I did it with my full energy and I was already able to use some easy software applied in geography.

During the following two years, I was addicted to the application of GIS and RS, the software is so practical and advanced that we can do kinds of researches using them. I realized it was just what the professor gave in the lecture in my senior middle. It was the first time I had a strong will to do research. I borrowed large amounts of books on GIS&RS subjects from the library, downloaded many essays written at home and abroad just finding out there were much more fields that GIS&RS could be used than I thought., like analyzing distribution of one disease or detecting one certain element in some place which inspires me to do more researches.

University is not all about study. I also acquired my organizational and leadership ability. I joined in Student Union, during the terms I organized a meeting for students to exchanging their experiences from study, work and social life aspects. What's more, I have held a debate competition on “Whether the students are supposed to do part-time jobs”. I am also a warm-hearted girl always prepared to help others so that almost everyone loves to be friends with me and also, they think I am a good listener and trouble-killer, so when they come up with some problems they choose to talk to me.

In the last year of my undergraduate, I went to a senior middle school to be a fulltime intern. I teach then geography and practiced to be their head teacher for about three months. I gained a lot from this. I experienced the fantastic feelings to share my knowledge to the students and also the responsibility.

Because of my excellent achievements, I had won scholarships every year, besides, I was conferred the national scholarship when I was in senior. What's more, I have won the “Merit Student of Yanbian University” for twice and “Excellent Learning Student of Yanbian University” for once. At the end of the forth year, I was recommended for the admission of my graduate school.

That's another big turning point in my life and I have met one of the most important people to me – my supervisor, professor Nanying. He is just like my father, not only teaching us academic knowledge, but also the principles to be a real person. With the help of my professor, I get more systemic and special knowledge about application of GIS and RS. In the second year of my postgraduate, my supervisor recommended me for a further study to the Northeast Institute of Geography and Agroecology, Chinese Academy of Science. I have studied and done research there for about half a year. I mainly majored in cartology and GIS, during when I helped to accomplish a national project-“Carbon Special Project of China”. As one of the four representatives of north eastern China, I was mainly in charge of the interpretation of RS images and land use/cover change analysis through out time and space. The researchers who participated gathered in Beijing to discuss problems and solutions. From which I learned more advanced methods and sophisticated experiences of interpretation and analysis.After coming back to school, I was invited to Vladivostok to a conference. The participators coming from different countries shared their research results on different parts. I had given a lecture named “Land use/cover change in the transboundery region of China, Russia and North Korea” ,for which I was awarded the second place.

At the beginning of last year, I helped my supervisor to complete another project-“The land use/cover change analysis in North Korea”. This time, I made full use of the skills and the experiences acquired before and lead my team to finish this project perfectly. Now I had just finished my graduate thesis, the theme of which is“Analysis on influences of the urban expansion on the wetland landscape”. My postgraduate term is coming to an end, but it is absolutely not the end of my study. I still have enthusiasm to do research; I still have many creative ideas not only about the application of GIS and RS, but also about relating subjects, and I still believe in myself that I will progress to a much higher level.

Seoul National University is widely known as a world-class university. I have been there about 2 years ago and experienced the beautiful scene and positive atmosphere there. Also, the geography department there is also famous for its high academic ability. I want to further my study in SNU and make more contributions to the GIS application field. I think I am strongly interested in language learning, I always do an excellent job with my English, and after several years of Korean study, I have passed the TOPIK 4 exam and can do basic reading and communication with native speakers. I don't think there will be any problems to study and do research with my English and Korean levels.

What I have achieved has already passed away, and the only way to judge me is what I am capable of doing. I am energetic, positive and dynamic, and I will try one more time when other all think it is impossible. I strongly believe that the education I accept from SNU will equip me with stronger expertise. And it is no denying that SNU will be the bridge to my dream.

TPO小站综合点评及批改意见：

首先文章字数过多，写得非常声情并茂，但不是一篇好的PS。首先，读完了前两段，不知道是要申请本科，硕士还是博士。这是PS的一大禁忌。当然读到后边，才慢慢知道你现在已经是本科学生，因此可能是申请研究生或是博士。那么在postgraduate阶段的申请文，更多的要突出你的专业性和目的性，还有你的整体规划。这篇文章长但是结构不明确。ADMISSION OFFICER看到这样的文章，也是非常头大的。因此建议整篇文章重新做调整，具体如下：

1. 重新调整文书结构，重点是 motivation--引出你要申请的专业----为此做的准备（学术，工作经验等）----未来的学习计划---未来的工作计划---对申请的目标院校及专业描述。

2. 文字风格一定要显示出你是一个专业人士，成熟的专业人士。 多用ACADEMIC文章的口气来写，而不是看起来很感性。

3. 个人的一些跟专业无关的东西做精简，如果是为了突出的personality，也需要精简这些事例。如果是想要凸显你的老师或者是谁对你很重要，请从专业角度去讲老师有多厉害，而不是用各种主观的词语去夸奖。