Essay批改：申请德克萨斯大学奥斯汀分校。TPO小站综合点评及批改意见：相比之下，第一篇essay问题比较大，TPO小站建议以MOTIVATION-ACADEMIC-RESEARCH-EXPERIENCE-INTERN-FUTURE-PLAN来罗列自己要写的内容，注意将重点在MOTIVATION和你为此所作的准备上，注意强调专业方面的内容。第二篇的内容选材不错，但写作主线有点散。

原文：

Statement of Purpose: REQUIRED

ESSAT A: The statement of purpose will provide an opportunity to explain any extenuating circumstances that you feel could add value to your application. You may also want to explain unique aspects of your academic background or valued experiences you may have had that relate to your academic discipline. The statement of purpose is not meant to be a listing of accomplishments in high school or a record of your participation in school-related activities. Rather, this is your opportunity to address the admissions committee directly and to let us know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and other application information cannot convey.

Why I chose Computer Science: I am a sophomore at the University of Electronic Science and Technology, once majoring in Management Information Systems. I came to college undecided about my major. The decision was easily made though after taking the specialized course: Programming in C++. And therefore I changed my major into Computer Science. Ever since high school, I have always been amazed by the latest technologies and have always been good at math. I have taken core courses such as C, C++, Data Structure, as well as Algorithms. My plan is to study towards a degree in Computer Sciences in college and pursue professional career in this field.

Other Extra-curriculum Activities: Last summer I started a volunteer group to teach elementary students in Xichang, a rural and undeveloped area in China. Coming from a preoperative family, I have always had the urge to do something for the less fortunate. The plan took about 3 months of preparation. We started by raising money as well as raising awareness. Using the money raised, we brought basic stationary and teaching facilities there to support their normal teaching. We contacted the people in charge so we could allocate 21 students in great need of our help. We applied for UESTC for donation of computers and travelled there to make sure that our allocated students would have the guarantee to continue their elementary education as promised. We still keep in touch with the children there via letters and sending photos regularly. This activity was later awarded first place by the university as the summer intern program.

Interests: In my spare time, I divide my time among working out, sports, making PowerPoint Slides and using Photoshop to process pictures etc. My favorite software is PowerPoint. I like how it shapes your presentation, and I particularly like the many design and animation features. I also enjoy playing basketball and tennis and I got a champion in high jump in the university sports meet. This is how I relax after a long day as a busy sophomore.

Club: activitiesI am also the editor/reporter of a campus magazine. Interviewing people was my favorite part of the job because I'd like to communicate with people who share experience and ideas. It greatly broadened my view and enhanced my communication skills. Participating in Innovation and Entrepreneurship Competition in university, my team won third prize by presenting our ideas of developing cultural industries and I improved presentation skills as well as organizing ability.

Topic E: REQUIRED

ESSAY E: Choose an issue of importance to you—the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope—and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

Last summer my roommates and I started a volunteer group to teach elementary students in Xichang, a rural and undeveloped area in China. The plan, taking about 3 months of preparation, taught me to be patient, to be confident and to be cautious. When facing the problem such as how to complete the plan to get the permission from school, how to insurance the safety of children and team members, I had to learn more and communicate more with people. I like to challenge myself. This experience taught me something important I'd never learn from the class.

I enjoyed the process of trying and what I gained was more than what I paid. We started by raising money as well as raising awareness. We bring basic stationary and teaching facilities there to supporting their normal teaching using raised money. We contacted the people in charge so we could allocate 21 students in great need of our help. For people nowadays do not trust others easily, I have to prove myself and convince them through my hard trying and action. We applied for UESTC for donation of computers and travelled there to make sure that our allocated students would have the guarantee to continue their elementary education as promised. Those were great challenge for me while now I felt benefit a lot.

To be responsible and cautious in school is needed. After I arrived school, the poor condition was beyond my imagination and at that time I realized that what I've done is just little and I would start live a life I'd never imagined before. I got up at 6:00 a.m. to clean up the school with them. I taught three classes as well as help students finish homework every day. And at the end of day, I would discuss with my team members about solving problems occurred and drawing experiences. The time I spent with children and teacher has been an important experience and memory of my life. Dancing, singing with them after class, teaching students through telling jokes. All of these were fulfilled with joy and laughter.

Children taught me to be active. I was serious sometimes and don't know how to communicate with children so they do not dare to come to talk with me. Until I came to children counting for them jumping rope, they became willing to get close to me. Something could change just owing to your little efforts. During the teaching time, children's learning passion and naivete impressed me most which make me look at the people around me who have the best studying condition while do not cherish it and still spoil themselves. I realized inequity between different people and made a decision to change the current situation and catch the chance I've earned. It's important to me to try my best to teach all of what I've learned to those children. It's portant to society to reducing this kind of gap between people. And it is also a responsibility for our generation to do some to return and benefit the society.

TPO小站综合点评及批改意见：

总体来讲，第一篇问题比较大，建议考虑从传统的SOP模式入手，以MOTIVATION-ACADEMIC-RESEARCH EXPERIENCE-INTERN-FUTURE PLAN来罗列自己要写的内容，注意将重点在MOTIVATION和你为此所作的准备上，注意强调专业方面的内容，一些课外活动稍微提及就好。而第二篇的内容选材不错，但是写作主线有点散。TP建议对活动的过程的描述，不要一味去描述有多么困难，而是重点要写你如何去应对这些困难，并且获得了什么体验，最终做一个总结，你因为这次活动带来的改变和对你的重要影响。另外语言方面，文中运用的写作句式不够多，经常出现以I开头的句子。注意变化句型句式，尽量少用I或者是WE开头的句子，并且内容方面尽量做到精简。