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You suck at cooking, yeah you totally suck.
你的厨艺弱爆了，完全弱爆了。
Today we're making smashed potatoes, which are the traditional food of the violent Irish.
今天我们做砸烂的土豆，这是暴力的爱尔兰人的传统食物。
To make smashed potatoes, you're gonna need some small potatoes.
要做这道菜，你需要一些小土豆。
These can be the kind you get in a jar.
可以是装在罐子里的土豆。
You can take bigger potatoes and smash them against the wall.
可以拿几个大土豆，把它们摔在墙上。
You can also use couch potatoes, freshly fallen autumnal potatoes, or just steal some that were laid by a wild potato bird.
也可以用沙发土豆、刚落下的秋季土豆，或者偷一些野生土豆鸟生下的土豆蛋。
Make sure to inspect your potatoes and remove anything that's cosmetically offensive.
一定要好好检查土豆，去掉任何在外表上看起来不得体的东西。
Uh Gotti.
啊，哥特人。
Now we'll wash those potatoes off, keeping in mind that some potatoes can be obscenely dirty.
现在把土豆洗干净，记住，有些土豆可能脏得有点下流。
While boiling most vegetables should be illegal, we make an exception for potatoes because of the remarkable ability to have no flavor,
虽然煮大多数蔬菜是犯法的，但土豆例外，因为它有一个超能力，就是没有任何味道，
so we don't have to worry about the water leaching the flavor out since it was never there to begin with.
所以不必担心水会把土豆的味道滤掉，因为从一开始就不存在什么味道。
While our cauldron gets up to temperature, we'll start making our magical elixir.
当锅里的水升温的时候，我们开始做魔法药水。
We'll start with this much olive venom.
先来点橄榄毒液。
Then add this much garlic powder, this much onion powder, this much smoked paprika or Chipotle powder, or something else red, this much salt, and this much pepper pepper pepper.
然后加入这么多大蒜粉，这么多洋葱粉，这么多烟熏辣椒粉或墨西哥辣椒粉，或者其他红色的东西，这么多盐，还有这么多胡椒。
Then we'll wang-jangle it for this amount of time.
那搅拌这么长时间。
You'll know your elixir is actually magic if your elixir-coated wang-jangler can do this.
如果沾了魔法药水的搅拌棒可以这样，你就知道你的药水确实是有魔法的。
You see it kept an evil spirit from appearing out of nowhere and haunting those potatoes.
看到没有，药水阻止了邪恶的幽灵从某个地方冒出来附在土豆身上。
Once the potatoes are fork tender, they're good to go.
等叉子可以戳进土豆，土豆就煮好了。
That should take around 10 or 12 or 15 minutes, I'm not exactly sure, but your fork knows.
这大概需要10分钟、12分钟或15分钟，我不是很确定，但你的叉子知道。
Now we're going to strain the water out, and then we're gonna put those potatoes under considerable strain.
现在把水滤掉，然后我们要让这些土豆承受相当大的压力。
But first we'll throw the potatsukis on the pan, and then slather the pan with some olive grease for some reason.
首先把土豆斯基扔到烤盘上，然后在烤盘上涂一些橄榄油，别问我为什么要这样做。
And now it's time to smash the potatoes with the bottom of a glass or with a wang-jangler.
然后就可以用玻璃杯底或搅拌棒把土豆砸碎了。
You can use an espresso thing, or a power stone, fancy vas, potted plant,
也可以用咖啡机上的罐子，或者能量石，花哨的花瓶，盆栽，
something cosmetically offensive, a jar of candied walnuts, a foam roller, a bigger potato, a far sexier potato.
看起来不得体的东西，一罐糖核桃，泡沫辊，一个更大的土豆，一个更性感的土豆。
You can use the power of your mind, or a very sturdy stick, or an electric kettle, which was a really bad idea if you're afraid of cleaning potato out of circuitry, which I am not.
你可以使用你的意念力量，或者非常结实的棍子，或者电热水壶，如果你害怕清理电路中的土豆，用电热水壶就是一个非常糟糕的主意，但我不怕。
You can see in here that these potatoes weren't cooked enough when I smashed, which made them crumbly, so I snuck in this tray of professional stumped potatoes to take their place.
你可以看到，这些土豆在我砸的时候没有煮得足够熟，还是有点脆，所以我偷偷地用这盘专业的砸扁土豆换掉原先的那盘。
And now we're gonna drizzle, sprinkle, paint, and slap that elixir into the nooks and gaps, crannies, crevices, chasms, clefts, riffs, splits, crotches, and cracks.
现在我们要把魔法药水淋、洒、涂、刷在土豆的所有角落、缺口、缝隙、裂缝、犄角旮旯里。
Then into the undo, they gundo at four hundo until they brundo.
然后放进烤箱，400度烤直颜色变黄。
If 450 Fahrenheit is too hot for you, you can turn it all the way down to 232 degrees Celsius.
如果450华氏度对你来说太热了，你可以把烤箱调低到232摄氏度。
And you're going to want to bake those until they get nice and golden brown and crispy.
而且要把土豆烤到它们变得美味、金黄和酥脆的程度。
It's been around 40 minutes and they're looking pretty good.
已经烤了大约40分钟，看起来相当不错。
Now we'll just test and see how crispy they actually are.
现在我们来测试一下，看看到底有多脆。
Oh whoops, I forgot I had some chips in my hand here.
哦，糟了，我忘了我手里有薯片。
Anyway, trust me bro, these potatoes not only taste good, they also taste delicious and they taste good.
不管怎样，相信我，兄弟，这些土豆不仅味道好，而且也很美味，而且也很好吃。
