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You suck at cooking, yeah you totally suck.
你的厨艺弱爆了，完全弱爆了。
Today we're making a chicken salad sandwich, also known as tuna of the land salad sandwich.
今天我们做鸡肉沙拉三明治，也被称为陆地金枪鱼沙拉三明治。
Chicken salad is a great thing to make for corporate gatherings or to celebrate the death of your loved ones.
公司聚会或者庆祝亲人去世的时候很适合做鸡肉沙拉三明治。
Making chicken salad starts with chicken.
做鸡肉沙拉首先从鸡肉开始。
You can use any kind of chicken you want, including farm raised chicken.
你可以用任何你喜欢的鸡肉，包括农场饲养的鸡肉。
You can use foraged chicken.
在野外找到的鸡肉。
You can use porridge chicken.
浇了粥的鸡肉。
You can use hoarder chicken.
之前囤的鸡肉。
Or you can use Mordor chicken.
你还可以用魔多的鸡肉。
My precious.
我的宝贝。
I'm using regular chicken, which I'm going to pat dry, then season with flavor glitter and pepper pepper pepper, then cover with a thin layer of olive oil.
我用的是普通鸡肉，把它拍打吸干水分，然后用盐和胡椒调味，然后淋一层薄薄的橄榄油。
Some people think painting chicken with olive oil makes you less of an artist than someone using paint on canvas.
一些人认为用橄榄油在鸡肉上画画不如在帆布上用油彩画画那么有艺术气质。
But I'm painting in three dimensions, so suck at Picasso.
但我画的是三维的画，所以只能说毕加索弱爆了。
Then we'll put it on a parchment-papered pan and bake it for 20 minutes on four hundo.
然后把鸡肉放在铺了油纸的烤盘上烤20分钟，温度400。
Baking it hot and quick makes sure it ends up juicy as I have demonstrated previously.
快速高温的烘烤可以确保鸡肉很多汁，就像我之前展示的那样。
So juicy, so juicy.
好多汁，好多汁。
Now we're going to pickle some red onion, which takes them from brill pad abrasiveness to delightful sponge tastiness.
现在要腌一些红洋葱，把它们从脆脆的口感变成海绵般的绵软口感。
We'll put a cup of water, one cup of vinegar, a tablespoon of coarse salt, a tablespoon of sugar into the lava maker.
在岩浆生成锅里加入一杯水，一杯醋，一勺粗盐，一勺糖。
Get that bubbling, let it cool a bit, and then pour that over the onions and leave them for around half an hour or so
把水煮沸，然后让水冷却一点，然后把水倒在洋葱上，泡半个小时左右，
until the red onions, which are actually purple, become this beautiful shade of pink. Just like the prophecy foretold.
直到红洋葱，实际上是紫洋葱，变成美丽的粉色。正如预言所说。
Now I'm going to chop those up a bit more so that we don't get an overwhelming amount of onion crunchiness in any specific bite.
现在我要把洋葱再切碎一点，这样任何一口都吃不到太多脆洋葱。
Now we're going to dice a dill pickle.
把腌黄瓜切碎。
If you've ever made a sandwich, you know that pickles are an integral part; and if you don't know that, then you've never made a sandwich.
如果你做过三明治，你就知道腌黄瓜是不可或缺的一部分；如果你不知道这一点，那么你就从来没有做过三明治。
You've just put some stuff together on bread with a vacant hole where the pickle should be, much like the hole in your heart where your life purpose should go.
你只是把一些东西放在面包上，在本来属于腌黄瓜的地方留下了一个空洞，就像你心灵上的空洞一样，那里本来应该有你的人生目标。
Your life's purpose is pickles.
你的人生目标就是腌黄瓜。
All right, the chicken is done, and we're going to take that out and let it cool.
好了，鸡肉烤好了，把它拿出来冷却。
And we'll make it cool faster by putting it on a plate that's cooler than the pan, which is called physics.
把它放在比烤盘温度更低的盘子里，可以让它更快地冷却，这被称为物理。
And we'll make it cool faster than that by adding these sunglasses, which is called raysics.
然后给它戴上墨镜，可以让它冷却得更快，这被称为遮光原理。
And we'll make it cool faster than that by taunting it, which is called dissics.
我们还可以通过diss（嘲讽）它来让它更快地冷却，这被称为嘲讽原理。
You don't even know why you crusted, do you?
你都不知道你是怎么烤出了一层焦壳，是吗？
Damn it, too far.
坏了，冷却过度。
Now that's cool enough not to melt my forks, I'll start shredding it, exposing as much surface area as possible.
现在鸡肉的温度已经足够底，不会让我的叉子融化，这个时候我要开始撕碎它，让尽可能多的表面积暴露在空气中。
Okay we're going to start combining the chicken with the other ingredients, including the main ingredient mayo.
现在把鸡肉和其他配料结合起来，包括主要配料蛋黄酱。
Now you don't want enough mayo to kill a horse, but you do want enough mayo to give a horse night mares, meaning mares of the night, meaning the horse could trade the mayo for...Never mind.
你不需要用能咸死一匹马的蛋黄酱，但你要有足够让马做噩梦的蛋黄酱，噩梦的意思是晚上的母马，意思是吗可以用蛋黄酱换......算了不说了。
We'll add some more pepper pepper pepper, but we're going to hold off on additional flavor glitter since we put a good amount on the chicken.
再加一些胡椒，但不要再添加更多盐了，因为我们在鸡肉上已经加了很多盐。
And now for the part that really elevates this chicken salad sandwich to the next level: seasoning.
现在是真正让鸡肉沙拉三明治的味道升级的部分：调味。
Let's go to my seasoning cabinet, and I keep forgetting how white I am.
来我的调味柜看看，唉，我总是忘记我是个多么纯正的白人。
Hey man, do you have any spices I can borrow?
嘿，兄弟，你有调味料可以借给我吗？
Like anything with flavor maybe?
味道比较重的那种？
Chicken salad, sounds good I assume.
鸡肉沙拉，听起来不错。
All right all right, we got some smoked paprika. Sounds interesting.
好的，我们有了烟熏辣椒粉。听起来不错。
Let's add half a teaspoon I guess.
我觉得加半勺吧。
We got some cumin, whatever that is I love the color.
还有一些孜然，不管是什么，我喜欢这个颜色。
Let's add a whole teaspoon and we'll just wang-jangle that all together.
加一勺孜然，然后把它们搅拌一下。
Now we'll add in those diced pickles and also the pickled red onions.
现在加入切碎的腌黄瓜和腌制的红洋葱。
Careful not to have any pickles touch the pickled onions, so the pickling doesn't cancel out.
小心，不要让任何腌黄瓜碰到腌洋葱，免得正正得负，把腌制的味道抵消了。
And we'll wang-jangle that all together.
全部搅拌均匀。
Now when I taste something, my genetics always send a signal to my brain, telling me more mayonnaise, and that signal is always correct.
现在，我一尝到什么东西，我的基因就向我的大脑发送一个信号，告诉我需要更多的蛋黄酱，这个信号总是正确的。
And now we're going to get a slab of bread and spread that chicken salad on to the bread, transforming it from a salad into a sandwich as if by magic.
现在拿一块面包，把鸡肉沙拉涂在面包上，把它从沙拉变成三明治，就像变魔术一样。
Throw that other slice of bread on top, give it an angle cut by pressing, not sighing like I am.
把另一片面包盖在上面，对角线切一刀，切的时候按着面包，不要只是像我一样叹气。
And that's the chicken salad sandwich.
鸡肉沙拉三明治就做好了。
Now I always give credit where credit is due, and this would not taste nearly as great if it weren't for the spices.
该表扬的我都会表扬，要是没有那个辣椒粉，味道就不会这么好。
Hey man, I just want to...What? How?
嘿，兄弟，我想说......什么？怎么去世的?
Cumin deficiency?
孜然缺乏症？
[R.I.P. Jacob]
[安息吧，雅各布]
