评论
打印
He can still feel it there, a lump of concrete inside, scraping him raw from the inside out. And Jack's face isn't smug, either.
他仍然能感觉到那里有一块混凝土，从里到外把他刮得生疼。 杰克的脸上也没有沾沾自喜。
He'd expected at least defensiveness, maybe fear, but in Jack's eyes he sees nothing of that.
他本以为杰克至少会有所防备，也许会感到害怕，但在杰克的眼里，他什么也看不见。
Instead Jack looks at him almost tenderly, as if he's sorry for him. As if he wants to reach out and put his arms around him.
相反，杰克几乎是温柔地看着他，好像他在为他难过。好像他想伸出手来拥抱他。
"Come on," Nath shouts. "Are you too ashamed to hit back?" He grabs Jack by the shoulder and swings again and Hannah looks away just before his fist meets Jack's face.
“来啊，”纳大喊，“你是不敢回击吗？”他抓住杰克的肩膀，又挥了一下，汉娜看向别处，然后他的拳头碰到了杰克的脸。
This time, a trickle of red drips from Jack's nose. He doesn't wipe it away, just lets it drip, from nostril to lip to chin.
这一次，一滴红色的水滴从杰克的鼻子上滴落下来。他不擦，只是让它滴落，从鼻孔到嘴唇到下巴。
"Stop it," she screams, and only when she hears her own voice does she realize she's crying, that her cheeks and her neck and even the collar of her T-shirt are sticky with tears.
“住手，”她尖叫着，只有当她听到自己的声音时，她才意识到自己在哭，她的脸颊，她的脖子，甚至她的T恤领口都沾满了泪水。
Nath and Jack hear it too. They both stare, Nath's fist still cocked, Jack's face and that tender look now turned on her.
纳和杰克也听到了。他们都盯着汉娜，纳的拳头仍然翘着，杰克的脸和那温柔的目光转向了她。
"Stop," she screams again, stomach churning, and she rushes between them, trying to shield Jack, battering her brother with her palms, shoving him away. And Nath doesn't resist.
“住手，”她又叫了一声，胃里翻腾着，她冲到他们中间，试图保护杰克，用手掌打她的哥哥，把他推开。纳没有反抗。
He lets her push him, feels himself teetering, feet slipping on the worn-smooth wood, lets himself fall off the dock and into the water.
他让她推他，感觉自己摇摇欲坠，脚在光滑的木头上打滑，让自己从码头上掉到水里。
So this is what it's like, he thinks as the water closes over his head. He doesn't fight it.
所以这就是当水在他头上合拢时，他所想的样子。他不反抗。
He holds his breath, stills his arms and legs, keeps his eyes open as he plummets. This is what it looks like.
他屏住呼吸，保持手臂和腿不动，在垂直下落时眼睛睁得大大的。看起来就这样。
He imagines Lydia sinking, the sunlight above the water growing dimmer as he sinks farther, too.
他想象着莉迪亚下沉，随着他下沉得越来越深，水面上的阳光也越来越暗。
Soon he'll be at the bottom, legs and arms and the small of his back pressed to the sandy lake floor.
很快他就会沉到湖底，腿和胳膊，后背的一小部分压在沙质湖底上。
He'll stay there until he can't hold his breath any longer, until the water rushes in to snuff out his mind like a candle. His eyes sting, but he forces them open.
他会一直呆在那里，直到他不能再屏住呼吸，直到水冲进来像蜡烛一样熄灭他的思想。他的眼睛刺痛，但他强迫他们睁开。
This is what it's like, he tells himself. Notice this. Notice everything. Remember it. But he's too familiar with the water.
他告诉自己，情况就是这样。注意到这一点。注意到每一件事。记住这种感觉。但是他太熟悉水了。
His body already knows what to do, the way it knows to duck at the corner of the staircase at home, where the ceiling is low. His muscles stretch and flail.
他的身体已经知道该做什么，就像它知道躲在家里的楼梯角落里一样，那里的天花板很低。他的肌肉伸展和连枷。
On its own, his body rights itself, his arms claw at the water. His legs kick until his head breaks the surface and he coughs out a mouthful of silt, breathes cool air into his lungs.
他的身体自动恢复了平衡，双臂抓着水面，双腿踢动，直到他的头露出水面，他咳出一口淤泥，把冷空气吸进肺里。
It's too late. He's already learned how not to drown. He floats faceup, eyes closed, letting the water hold his weary limbs. He can't know what it was like, not the first time, not the last.
那太迟了。他已经学会了如何不被淹死。他脸朝上漂浮着，闭着眼睛，让水托着他疲惫的四肢。他不知道那是什么感觉，不是第一次，也不是最后一次。
He can guess, but he won't ever know, not really. What it was like, what she was thinking, everything she'd never told him.
他可以猜测，但他永远不会知道，不是真的。那是什么样子，她在想什么，她从来没有告诉过他一切。
Whether she thought he'd failed her, or whether she wanted him to let her go. This, more than anything, makes him feel that she is gone.
是她认为他辜负了她，还是她想让他让她走。最重要的是，这让他觉得她已经走了。
"Nath?" Hannah calls, and then she's peering over the side of the dock, her face small and pale.
“纳？”汉娜喊道，然后她朝码头那边望去，她的脸又小又苍白。
