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You suck at cooking, yeah you totally suck.
你的厨艺弱爆了，完全弱爆了。
Instant ramen noodles were invented by Momofuku Ando in 1958 in his shed.
方便面是安藤百福于1958年在他的一个简陋小屋里发明的。
Since then dozens of packets of instant ramen have been consumed every year throughout the world.
从那以后，全世界每年都要吃掉很多包方便面。
For this modied ramen, we're going to start by adding an egg to already gently boiling water.
今天做改良泡面，首先在已经微微沸腾的水中加入一个鸡蛋。（注：modied是modified的口语简称。）
Some people think boiling water will cause the egg to crack, but that actually only happens if the water is overly angry.
一些人认为沸水会导致鸡蛋破裂，但实际上只有在沸水过于愤怒的情况下才会让鸡蛋破掉。
Boil the egg for 6 minutes. Then put it inside an ice bath to increase the egg's endorphins.
把鸡蛋煮6分钟，然后将其放入冰水中，从而增加鸡蛋中的内啡肽。
Then after 10 to 15 minutes we'll use the power of kinetic vibration to loosen the shell and peel it off.
冰镇10到15分钟后，用振动的力量使外壳松开并把蛋壳剥掉。
We're boiling water and we only want to cook these noods for around a minute.
现在正在烧水，泡面只用煮一分钟左右就够了。（注：noods是noodles的口语简称。）
Then we can drain them and let them sit there and think about what they've done.
然后把水滤掉，让泡面待在一边，好好反思它们犯了什么错。
Don't let the eggs see how hot the noodles are, or it might get jealous.
不要让鸡蛋看到泡面有多热辣，不然鸡蛋会嫉妒泡面的。
In a saucepan we're going to add some butter, some milk, and the seasoning pack.
在平底锅里加一些黄油、牛奶和泡面调味包。
Make sure you don't accidentally have your heat turned up to 11. Medium low is good.
千万不要一不小心把火调到最大。中低档的火就可以了。
Then the noods can go in there and soak up that sauce while it thickens like a stringy edible sponge.
然后把泡面放进去，让它吸收酱汁，变得像一团粘稠的能吃的海绵一样。
And you know what they say: when the sauce starts to thicken in, it's time to get interested in possibly eating it because it's ready to eat.
那句话怎么说来着：当酱汁开始变稠，就可以开始考虑吃面了，因为那个时候面条已经可以吃了。
Then we're going to add the noods to our bowl, and top with a slice of extremely melty cheese.
然后把泡面倒进碗里，上面放一片超容易融化的芝士。
Then we'll fold the noods over to create a cheese furnace so that it melts and becomes part of the sauce.
然后用泡面把芝士卷进去，形成一个芝士熔炉，这样芝士就会融化进酱汁。
We'll throw on a drizzle of chili oil, a smattering of scallions, then the egg can go on top.
再撒上一点辣椒油，少许葱花，然后鸡蛋就可以放在上面了。
And I also modified this bowl, so that you can more easily manage your utensils by sticking them to the side with the power of magnets,
我还改良了一下这个碗，这样更方便你收纳餐具，你可以借助磁铁的力量把餐具都吸在碗边，
even though nobody knows how they work and whether or not they're bad for your skin.
虽然没有人知道具体原理是什么，也没有人知道它们是否对你的皮肤有害。
And if you have trouble gripping an egg with chopsticks, I modify these ones to more easily pick up the egg,
如果你不太会用筷子夹鸡蛋，我也对筷子进行了改良，可以让你更轻松地夹起鸡蛋，
and also to more easily add injuries to the lips and/or mouth region of the face.
当然也更容易对嘴唇/嘴巴附近的区域造成伤害。
Ow, that's so good.
哇，太好吃了。
Here's a couple simple things you can add to almost any ramen to make it way better.
还有几个很简单的原料，几乎什么泡面都可以加进去，都会变得更好吃。
The first is sesame oil made from sesame seeds, which come from the sesame tree.
第一个是用芝麻树上的芝麻籽制成的芝麻油。
The next is chili crisp, which comes from the chilaquiles region of Guizhou province in China.
第二个是辣椒酱，来自盛产辣椒的中国贵州省。
And if you are not on the chili crisp train yet, I highly suggest you get chugging.
如果你还没有搭上辣椒酱这趟火车，我强烈建议你快快上车。
And the next is crispy shallots, which are made from soggy shallots, which will slice very thinly, then sprinkle on some salt.
第三个是焦脆的大葱，用湿湿的新鲜大葱制成，先切成薄片，然后撒上一些盐。
Then after a few minutes remove the excess moisture, then we're putting them in this peanut oil, which is on medium low,
过几分钟后把多余的水分吸掉，然后把它们倒进花生油中，用中低火，
and we'll cook them until all of that moisture bubbles away.
慢慢煎，直到所有水分都被煎干。
Once they stop bubbling, they're done and you can dry them out.
大葱片不再冒泡后就煎好了，可以吸去多余的油。
Then the real challenge is not immediately stuffing them all into your face.
然后真正的挑战是忍住不要一下子把它们全吃光了。
For this next recipe, I'm going to chop up some ginger and some scallion, then get those into a pan with some neutral oil.
改良泡面第二个做法，先切一些生姜和大葱，然后把它们放进平底锅，加一些中性油。
If you have a serious scallion problem, you can chop up a concerning amount of scallions, then put them in an airtight container and your molecule slower downer.
如果你非常讨厌葱，可以很多很多葱花，然后把葱花放进密封的容器里，再放进分子减速器（冰箱）。
That way you can add them to your ramen, your toast, your ice cream, or your wrist, anytime you're having a scallion attack.
当你的厌葱症发作的时候，就可以把葱花倒进泡面、吐司、冰淇淋中，或者放在手腕上（进行脱敏治疗）。
We'll saute the ginger and these scallions for a couple minutes on medium heat, and make sure you don't accidentally add rapscallions because they always ruin the vibe.
把生姜和大葱用中火炒几分钟，千万不要混入什么讨厌虫，因为他们总是会破坏气氛。
Now we'll add some sesame oil and around 1/3 of the flavoring pack, so that it doesn't eclipse the ginger scallion sesame sauce.
现在加入一些芝麻油和大约三分之一的调味包，免得调味料盖过了姜葱芝麻的香味。
We'll cook the noodles for a minute, and then drain them and throw them in the pan.
把泡面煮一分钟，然后滤掉水，扔进锅里。
Now add them to a bowl, and then realize the bowl is too big and move them to a different bowl with all of that oily sauce, which is going to lubricate your entire body.
现在把泡面倒进碗里，然后发现碗太大，再把沾满酱汁的泡面倒进另一个碗里，这酱汁上的油肯定非常润肠。
Then hit that with some chili crisp and some crispy shallots and we're talking about a multi-dimensional flavor experience you might not ever fully recover from, so be careful.
然后撒一点辣椒酱和焦脆的大葱，在你眼前展现的是一次多维味觉体验，你将对此永远无法忘怀，所以要小心了。
This is also a great ramen to use my patent pending Precision Chopsticks, so that you can enjoy a bite of scallion, chili crisp, crispy shallot, or an individual noodle at a slow and relaxing pace.
吃这个泡面也正好可以用上我正在申请专利的“精准筷子”，这个筷子可以让你以缓慢悠闲的节奏，一点一点地吃到葱花、辣椒脆、焦葱和一根面条。
On the other hand, you can use my 90-degree chopsticks if you prefer to eat the entire bowl in one bite.
另一方面，如果你想一口吃完整碗泡面，你也可以用我的90度筷子。
If you're concerned about how many calories there are in ramen, simply eat it with drumsticks, which makes the portion look smaller and tricks your brain into processing fewer calories.
如果你担心泡面的热量太高，那就直接用鼓槌来吃，鼓槌会让泡面显得更小，从而欺骗你的大脑，让身体少吸收一点热量。
I'm so clumsy.
我真是笨手笨脚。
This last ramen has very simple mods that involve cooking the noodles, draining off most but not all of the water, crack an egg straight in there, then wangjangle it, add in some butter, and wangjangle that.
最后这个泡面的改良做法非常简单，只需煮泡面，把大部分但不是全部的水滤掉，把鸡蛋直接打进去，然后搅拌，加入一些黄油，然后继续搅拌。（注：mods是modification的口语简称，wangjangle是wangle和jangle混合而成的词。）
And then add the seasoning pack and some garlic powder, and finally do some wangjangling.
然后加入调味包和一些蒜粉，最后再搅拌一下。
We'll sprinkle some scallions on top of that.
上面可以撒些葱花。
And if you have a hard time lifting as many noodles as you want, you could try my fork-chops, which have heavy-duty noodle lifting power.
如果你觉得一次夹很多面条太难了，那么你可以试试我的“叉筷”，这种筷子有重负荷面条夹力。
But if the long prongs scare you, then you can try my miniature spork-chops instead, which have moderate but reliable noodle clamp ability.
但如果你觉得长长的叉子有点吓人，那么你可以试试我的“迷你叉勺筷”，它的面条夹力适度且稳定可靠。
And if you find the noodles are just too long and heavy, I modified these chopsticks to allow you to cut the noodles down into smaller bites.
如果你觉得面条太长太重了，我改良了这种筷子，让你可以把面条切短。
I call them chop-sticks.
我称之为“筷剪”。（注：chop的意思是切碎。）
If you enjoy slurping your noodles but leaning down to the bowl makes you feel like a beta, I invented this ramen lift to help adjust the height of the bowl to perfect slurping altitude.
如果你喜欢嗦面条，但趴在碗上吃面条让你感觉很没气势，那么我发明了这款泡面升降器，可以把碗调整到适合嗦面的完美高度。
You can also control the angle of the bowl to easily access any specific noodle.
你还可以控制碗的角度，从而轻松地吃到任何角度的面条。
This is powered by an 18 GHz four train induction motor with fly train suspension and triforce thruster, and definitely isn't just my friend moving a pole up and down
这个升降器由一个18千兆赫兹的四驱感应电动机驱动，且带有飞轮悬挂和三力推进器，绝对不是我的朋友在上下移动杆子，
because Devon isn't my friend.
因为戴文不是我的朋友。
