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You suck at cooking, yeah you totally suck.
你的厨艺弱爆了，完全弱爆了。
Haters are gonna say it's fake, that it's not real bacon, just a fake carrot.
杠精会说这是假的，不是真的培根，是胡萝卜做的冒牌货。
But if you look a little closer, you'll find that carrots have the same leathery skin, the same tube-like shape, and the same breathing mechanism as pigs.
但如果你仔细观察，你会发现胡萝卜和猪一样有粗糙坚韧的皮肤、圆滚滚的形状，以及同样的呼吸机制。
We'll start by shaving the carrot's external skin.
我们先把胡萝卜的外皮刮掉。
Now you can throw out those external strips if you like wasting things, or you can make a nice translucent window decoration.
如果你喜欢浪费东西，就可以把这些外皮扔掉，或者你可以用它们做一个漂亮的半透明窗户装饰。
If you've got self-peeling carrots, congratulations on being rich, but we're going to do this the way they used to make bacon in the olden days.
如果你有会自己剥皮的胡萝卜，那么祝贺你，你很富有，但我们还是用做培根的老办法。
Now keep on slicing until you've got long slender carrot paper.
继续切片，直到把胡萝卜切成又长又薄的胡萝卜纸。
Someone really ought to make this into a beautiful wallpaper.
真应该把这做成漂亮的墙纸。
I think this goes without saying, but make sure you're using American carrots and not Swiss carrots.
我觉得不用说就知道吧，确保你用的是美国胡萝卜，而不是瑞士胡萝卜。（有洞的胡萝卜很像瑞士奶酪。）
So we're gonna combine one tablespoon of a neutral oil like sunflower, a tablespoon of maple syrup, one teaspoon of soy sauce,
现在倒入一勺中性的油，比如葵花籽油，一勺枫糖浆，一勺酱油，
one teaspoon of liquid smoke, a teaspoon of garlic powder, and a teaspoon of smoked paprika, some salt, some pepper pepper pepper.
一勺液体烟雾，一勺大蒜粉，一勺烟熏辣椒粉，一些盐，以及一些胡椒。
Then we'll wang-jangle that together into thick edible tar.
然后把它搅拌混合成可食用的浓稠焦油。
Now we'll throw that carrot paper into a wide bowl.
现在把胡萝卜纸扔进一个大碗里。
Then pour that smoky elixir into all the cracks and crevices, and give them a nice dirty tar bath for a few minutes.
然后把烟熏料汁倒入胡萝卜的所有缝隙中，让它们洗几分钟脏脏的焦油浴。
They say pigs are really smart, but have you ever seen a pig make a cup of tea? Neither have I.
人们说猪很聪明，但你见过猪泡茶吗？我也没有见过。
Now we'll lay our soggy carrot paper on a wire rack so they don't pool in their own grease because we're making real crispy bacon here.
现在把浸湿的胡萝卜纸放在铁丝架上，这样胡萝卜就不会浸在一滩油里了，因为我们要做很脆的培根。
Now don't forget to thoroughly wash that carrot grease off your hands, so you don't get carrot bacteria all over your house.
别忘了把手上的胡萝卜油洗干净，免得房子里到处都是胡萝卜细菌。
Undoes on three fundo and we'll put these in for around 10 minutes.
烤箱300度，放进去烤大约10分钟。
You hear that? It's sizzling. That's how you know it's real bacon.
你听到了吗？滋滋滋的声音。这就说明是正宗培根。
And for the best results possible, you want to make sure you burn that first batch just to practice the limits.
为了烤出最好的效果，首先要先烤糊一批，让自己知道火候极限在哪里。
Then you want to burn that second batch a bit less because we're steadily improving.
然后要把第二批烤糊但不全糊，因为进步是一点一点发生的。
Then we'll make a batch that's really soggy, retaining the carrots flappy essence.
然后再做一批软哒哒的胡萝卜，保留胡萝卜柔软的精华。
Then we'll get one that's just about right.
再然后我们就会烤出恰到好处的一批。
You have to borderline char it to get it crispy.
一定要烤到似焦非焦的程度，才足够脆。
Or maybe wick away any excess oil on some paper towel, or probably use an air fryer.
可以用纸巾吸去多余的油，或者直接用空气炸锅。
And if that doesn't work, just add some crisping gel.
如果这些都不起作用，只需加一些脆脆凝胶。（crisping谐音crespine，crespine gel是一种药物。）
Okay, but can you honestly tell the difference between this piece of carrot bacon and this piece of pig bacon?
老实说，你能找出这块胡萝卜培根和这块猪肉培根的区别吗？
You can't cause this one's carrot, too.
你不能，因为这一块也是胡萝卜培根。
And there you have it: real authentic 100 actual bacon that totally exists.
现在就做出来了：现实存在的真正的百分百培根。
You know what, they say if it looks like bacon, it sounds like bacon, and it tastes like a smoky carrot, then it's definitely bacon.
你知道吗，人们说如果它看起来像培根，听起来像培根，尝起来像烟熏胡萝卜，那么它肯定就是培根。
When they tell you that it's not real bacon, tell them nothing's real because we live inside a simulation.
当他们告诉你这不是真培根时，你就告诉他们没有什么是真的，因为我们都生活在模拟世界。
They'll tell you bacon only comes from pigs.
他们会说只能用猪肉做培根。
Tell them pigs eat carrots, so they can make the motherf*ker.
那就告诉他们，猪吃胡萝卜，所以胡萝卜也能做培根。
