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You suck at cooking, yeah you totally suck.
你的厨艺弱爆了，完全弱爆了。
Today we're making pizza, also known as single layer lasagna, which is an open-faced grilled cheese sandwich that originally comes from southern Europe.
今天我们做披萨，也被称为单层千层面，即一种源自南欧的单片面包烤奶酪三明治。
For the dough, you're going to need two cups of wheat dust, three quarters cup of warm water, 1.5 teaspoons of sea salt,
做面团的话，需要两杯小麦粉、四分之三杯温水、1.5茶匙海盐、
1 teaspoon of instant yeast, 2 teaspoons of olive grease, and a metric f* ton of elbow grease.
1茶匙速发酵母、2茶匙橄榄油和超多的胳膊油（英语习语，指苦干、体力重活）。
Since we're not weighing the flour, make sure you pour it into your cup rather than scooping it.
因为面粉没有称重，所以一定要把面粉倒进杯子，而不是用杯子把面粉舀出来。
And don't tap or push it down, or you'll have too much.
不要敲杯子，也不要把面粉压实，否则面粉就太多了。
We're just going to throw those dry ingredients into a bowl.
把这些干的配料都倒进碗里。
Give it a quick wanjangle, then add the wet stuff and hanjangle that until you've got some nice baking cement.
快速搅拌一下，然后加入湿的配料，继续搅拌，直到变成干湿适度的烘焙泥浆。（wanjangle和hanjangle均为自创词）
No need to proof the instant yeast.
速发酵母不需要加温水活化。
In one of these pizzas I also added a teaspoon of garlic powder to give it a little pizzazz.
在其中一个披萨里，我还加了一茶匙大蒜粉，给它添了一些滋味。
It's important to take a picture of the dough all over your hand, so you can show it to whoever you feed this pizza to later when they take their first bite.
一定要把你沾满面糊的手拍一张照片，然后把披萨给别人吃，等他们咬第一口的时候给他们看这张照片。
Okay. This wasn't enough flour, so I'm going to take it to the powder room until I get this handleable clump of sticky dough.
好吧，面粉不够，要再加点面粉，直到面团可以拿起来，而且黏黏的。
Now I've got a wheat-dusted work surface and I'm gonna dust my hands and start kneading.
现在把工作台上撒些面粉，再在手上沾点面粉，然后开始揉面。
One way you can tell if the dough is too sticky is if you touch it and it sticks too much.
有一种办法可以判断面团是否太黏，就是如果摸了面团就会粘在手上，那就是太黏了。
So just keep adding bits of flour as you work.
只要一边揉面一边加点面粉就行了。
Got a little piece of something in there.
里面有一小块渣滓。
Just keep doing that wrist workout and don't be afraid to show that dough who's boss.
继续做这个手腕锻炼，不要怂，要让面团知道谁才是老大。
Bad news, you're gonna have to work through the weekend.
坏消息，你整个周末都必须加班。
You're aiming for this really soft-feeling dough, almost like a bag of goo.
我们想要的是这种手感非常柔软的面团，几乎就像一袋粘液一样。
Oop, got another little piece of debris here.
哎呀，又发现了一小块渣滓。
If your pizza dough doesn't feel like a bag of goo, you might have too much flour in it or I might not know what I'm talking about.
如果你的披萨面团的手感不像一袋粘液，那可能是面粉太多了，或者我的做法不对。
Now I'm gonna put a layer of olive grease in another bowl, and transfer the dough over.
在另一个碗里涂一层橄榄油，然后把面团放进去。
Gonna wrap that up tightly and leave it for a couple hours to expand two to three times its original size.
紧紧封住口，放几个小时，让它膨胀到原来大小的两到三倍。
Or throw it in the fridge overnight, or even for a few days, if you're into pizza delay.
或者把它扔在冰箱里放一整晚，甚至放好几天，如果你喜欢送餐超时的披萨的话。
Whoa, it's boiling. It looks angry.
哇，开始膨胀了。它看起来气呼呼的。
Now we're to prepare the toppings.
现在我们要准备配料了。
You want all of your toppings to be smaller than the circumference of your pizza dough.
所有的配料都要小于比披萨面团的周长。
You can use a pair of pizza topping scissors or a pizza hammer or a pizza topping smithereener.
可以用披萨配料剪刀、披萨锤子或披萨配料粉碎刀。
Speaking of circumferences, why is it called pizza instead of paisa when pie is used to calculate the area of a circle, which is the shape of pizza.
说到周长，为什么要叫“披”萨而不是“派”萨？毕竟披萨是圆的，圆形的周长是用派来计算的啊。
Just goes to show you how much southern Europeans hate mathematics.
这说明了南欧人有多讨厌数学。
My strategy for pizza toppings is to make them really small.
我的披萨配料策略是把配料切得非常碎。
We're aiming to create a socialist flavor utopia where every ingredient is in every bite.
我们的目标是创造一个社会主义的味道乌托邦，每咬一口都可以尝到每种配料。
With this one I'm going with bacon, which is pre-cooked because if it's raw, it won't cook enough,
对于这个披萨，我要用培根，培根是已经煎熟了的，因为生培根在烤披萨时烤不熟，
and jalapenos, which are pre-pickled for reasons that shall remain a mystery.
还有墨西哥辣椒，辣椒是已经腌好了的，为什么要腌，这个秘密最好不要让人知道。
And I've also got some pineapple here.
我还有一些菠萝。
The best way to slice it up is to slide your knife beneath it, put some pressure on top, then slide it straight into the trash.
切菠萝最好的办法是，把刀放在菠萝下面，从上面按住菠萝，然后直接把它扔进垃圾桶。
Now we're going to shred some American mozzarella, also known as mozzarella.
现在刮一些美式马苏里拉奶酪，也就叫作马苏里拉奶酪。
Some pizza purists insists you should chop the cheese manually to maximize the fat. I'm just kidding. No one's that dumb, right?
披萨纯粹主义者坚持认为，应该手动切奶酪，这样可以最大限度加入脂肪。我开玩笑的，没人会那么傻到相信我的鬼话，对吧？
Now our dough is ready to go and we're going to start to form our wheat blanket.
现在面团已经准备好了，可以开始做小麦毯子了。
I'm cutting this in half because it'll make two pizzas in a 10 inch pan.
我要把这个面团切成两半，因为这个量够做两个10英寸的披萨了。
Take out your rolling pin, and move it in the space on top of the dough just to clear the air and make sure there's no obstructions.
拿出滚滚棒，把它移到面团上方，把空气擀走，确保没有任何障碍物。
We'll add some olive oil to the pan.
然后在平底锅里加一些橄榄油。
Then throw the dough in there.
把面团扔进去。
Now take your time and push that dough to the edges nice and evenly.
把面团往边缘压一下，要压得均匀，不着急，慢慢来。
Make sure to create a nice big flat earth or ice wall to compensate for the coming contractions.
一定要压出一块又大又平的面饼，稍后烤的时候面饼还会收缩。
Turn your pan on medium low.
把平底锅放在中低火上。
This is stainless, but you can use cast iron, carbon steel, or another oven-safe pan.
这是不锈钢的，也可以用铸铁、碳钢或其他烤箱能用的材料。
I'm making some last-minute adjustments, but I'm not touching the pan because that will not feel good.
我在最后做一些调整，但我没有碰到锅，因为肯定会烫死我。
When the dough starts to bubble, we can add a layer of sauce.
当面团开始冒气泡时，可以刷一层酱。
I recommend going with one that tastes good.
我建议你选味道好的酱。
Now we'll sprinkle on our ingredients nice and evenly.
现在把配料均匀地撒在上面。
Every flavor, every bite.
口口尝尽好味道。
Undos been preheating to four fundo and we'll slide our pizza in there for around 10 to 14 minutes.
烤箱已经预热到400，把披萨放进去烤大约10到14分钟。（undo和fundo都是自造词）
And once that crust is cooked through and the cheese starts browning, you're pretty much done.
面包烤得熟透了，奶酪开始变成棕色了，就说明差不多了。
I like to lay my oven mitt on the handle to remind myself it's hot because I'm a dumbass and I grabbed it once.
我喜欢把手套放在锅柄上，提醒我锅柄很烫，因为我是个笨蛋，有一次竟然直接握了锅柄。
If the bottom isn't as brown as you like, you can always throw the burner back on for a bit until it's perfect.
如果你觉得底部还不够焦，完全可以再打开烤箱，把它烤到完美为止。
Notice the slim, almost imperceptible crust that often disappears behind the ingredients the way Zeus intended.
注意看配料下面有一层薄薄的、几乎看不到的焦壳，宙斯想要的披萨也就是这样了。
It's thin and it's bubbly; it's...what the hell?
这披萨薄薄的，香得冒泡，这披萨......这什么鬼东西？
Oh look, free puzzle.
快看，还可以当拼图玩。
I also did another one with green pepper, pepperoni, and black olives.
我还用青椒、意大利香肠和黑橄榄做了一个披萨。
And we'll just fix our distribution issue here.
处理一下这个配料分布问题。
I hear some of you: "I can't eat pizza. That's too many calories."
我知道有些人会说："我不能吃披萨。热量太高了。"
Don't worry. We got a diet option here.
别担心。还有轻食版披萨可供选择。
Grab some lettuce dough, sauce, throw in the ingredients.
拿一片生菜当饼底，刷上调味汁，加入配料。
Mmm, man I just love pizza.
嗯，兄弟，我可太爱披萨了。
