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Hey, little Jimmy.
嘿，小吉米。
Yeah, what's up?
啊，怎么了？
Do you like Pirates of the Caribbean?
你喜欢电影《加勒比海盗》吗？
Yeah, it's all right.
喜欢，电影挺好的。
So do you think it'd be fun to be a pirate?
那么你觉得当海盗会很有趣吗？
Yeah.
会吧。
Well, guess what, you couldn't be more wrong.
你猜怎么着，你大错特错了。
Oh, f*.
啊，该死。
Yeah, I know.
是，我懂。
First, we'll talk about the food.
首先，我们来谈谈食物。
So one staple of the pirate diet was salted meat, usually wild oxen or pork.
海盗吃的主要食物之一是咸肉干，通常是野牛肉或猪肉。
And I love jerky as much as the next guy, but this wasn't like a bag of Jack Link's.
我和其他人一样喜欢吃肉干，但这咸肉干可不像杰克林肉干。（注：杰克林是零食品牌。）
In fact, it was probably closer in texture to your shoes than any meat you've ever eaten.
事实上，它的口感可能更接近你的鞋子，而不是你吃过的任何肉。
In those days you couldn't just Snap Into a Slim Jim.
在那个时候，你没办法直接撕开一袋肉干。（注：这是杰克林的广告语。）
That's a modern luxury that we take for granted.
那是一种现代奢侈品，只是被我们当成了理所当然。
Back then the slogan was: Gnaw on a slim jim for minutes on end,
那个年代的肉干广告是：持续咀嚼肉干几分钟，
grinding it between your molars while the gallons of salt turn your mouth into a desert
用你的大牙把肉干磨碎，同时超级多的盐会把你的口腔变成沙漠，
until the mangled hunk of flesh in your mouth is just soft enough to be shoved down your greasy f* pirate throat without tearing a hole.
直到你嘴里那块被嚼烂的肉变得足够柔，吞进你的海盗喉咙里时不会把你的喉咙划破一个洞。
Another essential food item was known as hardtack.
另一种基本食物被称为压缩饼干。
This was essentially just flour and water baked into a cracker-like brick.
这本质上就是面粉和水烤成的饼干形状的砖。
Beyond the fact that it was totally flavorless, hardtack was also extremely dense.
除了没有任何味道之外，压缩饼干也非常硬，
to the point where pirates would often have to slam their fist down on it in order to break it into pieces small enough to fit in their mouth.
以至于海盗们不得不用拳头砸它，才能把它分解成能吃进嘴里的小碎片。
As long as it was kept dry, hardtack almost never spoiled,
只要保持干燥，压缩饼干几乎永远不会变质。
although it often became infested with weevils.
虽然它经常会长象鼻虫。
Um excuse me, sir, I'm a vegan, so like can I have a new piece?
嗯，不好意思，先生，我是素食主义者，所以可以给我换一块饼干吗？
One without any of Mother Nature natur's beautiful creatures in it? Thanks.
换一块没有大自然的美丽生物的饼干，谢谢。
Wait a minute, is this gluten-free?
等一下，这是无麸质的吗？
This better be hemp rope.
绑我最好也用麻绳。
Now the weevils didn't make you sick or change the taste all that much, so...
象鼻虫不会让你生病，也不会改变饼干的太多味道，所以......
And this is true, the crew would just eat it in the dark
船员们会摸黑吃饼干，这是真的，
so that way they couldn't tell if they were eating a normal chunk or a weevily one.
这样一来他们就不知道自己吃的是正常的饼干，还是长了象鼻虫的饼干。
Then there's the crowding.
然后就是拥挤的问题。
So pirate ships typically packed in as many crew members as possible.
海盗船通常会尽可能多地装满船员。
because more pirates means more manpower when you go to board an enemy ship.
因为登上敌船时，有更多的海盗就意味着有更多的人力。
Of course, the downside to that is that you're basically like a bunch of hairy unwashed sardines.
当然，这样做的坏处是，你们基本上就像一群长毛的、没洗过澡的沙丁鱼。
Let me illustrate what a typical night below deck was like.
让我来说明一下甲板下的典型夜晚是什么样的。
So you're sprawled out on the damp musty wood floor.
你四仰八叉地躺在潮湿发霉的木地板上。
Everything's pitch black, you can't see a thing.
周围漆黑一片，你什么也看不见。
The smell of the filth and the mold forces you to only breathe through your mouth.
污秽和发霉的气味迫使你只能用嘴呼吸。
Suddenly your left hand feels wet.
突然你感觉左手湿了。
Probably just sea water leaking through the hole.
可能只是海水从洞里渗进来。
You sniff your hand, nope no, that's piss.
你闻了闻你的手，不，不是海水，是尿。
You feel something furry rub up against your elbow.
你感觉到有什么毛茸茸的东西在蹭你的胳膊肘。
It was either the body of a diseased rat or the beard of your diseased crewmate.
要么是一只有病毒的老鼠尸体，要么是你患病的船员的胡子。
Either way that's probably where the piss came from.
不管是什么，那个毛茸茸的东西可能就是尿液的来源。
Some guy is moaning loudly in the next room.
隔壁有人在大声呻吟。
Hopefully he's just jerking off cuz if he's dying, that's one more body to deal with in the morning.
希望他只是在打手枪，因为如果他是要死了，那么明天早上又要多处理一具尸体。
Rinse and repeat for 8 hours and then it's daytime.
被不明液体冲洗并反复循环8小时，然后就是白天了。
The poor diet and cramp conditions led to disease being a huge problem aboard pirate ships.
劣质饮食和拥挤的环境导致疾病成为海盗船上的一个大问题。
The most well-known of these diseases is scurvy, where you don't get enough vitamin C.
其中最广为人知的是坏血病，这是维生素C摄入不够导致的。
When scurvy first begins, you just kind of feel tired all the time -- no big deal.
当坏血病刚开始的时候，你只是一直感到疲倦，这没什么大不了的。
Then you get weird spots on your skin and your gums start bleeding.
然后你的皮肤上会出现奇怪的斑点，牙龈也开始出血。
This progresses until all your teeth fall out and all of your body's mucous membranes start gushing blood and pus, causing you to die.
病情不断发展，直到你所有的牙齿脱落，身体的所有黏膜开始流出血和脓液，从而让你死掉。
So that's a lot of fun.
这个阶段挺有意思。
There were tons of other diseases too.
此外还有无数的其他疾病。
I won't go through them all, but here's a few honorable mentions.
我不一一列举了，但这里有几个值得一提。
Also, some people say that alcoholism is a disease.
也有一些人说，酗酒是一种疾病。
I might just be disturbed.
我可能会感到担心。
But that's one sickness I could definitely get down with.
但这是一种我肯定会染上的病。
If it is a disease, then yeah, just about every pirate had this one.
如果酗酒是一种疾病，那么是的，几乎每个海盗都有这种病。
If anything, though, I'd call that one of the few upsides of pirate life.
如果说是病的话，我倒会把它称为是海盗生活为数不多的好处之一。
Finally, there's the combat.
最后是打仗。
So you've gone through all these disgusting horrible living conditions.
你经历了所有这些恶心的、可怕的生活条件。
But at least you could enjoy the thrill of battle, right?
但是至少你可以享受战斗的刺激，对吧？
Swinging from rope to rope, sword in your mouth, long intense saber duels, that kind of thing.
抓着绳子荡来荡去，嘴里叼着剑，用长剑大战几个回合的决斗，诸如此类的事。
But that's typically not how it went down.
但情况通常不是这样的。
For one thing, when pirates boarded a ship, nine times out of ten they just surrender immediately.
首先，当海盗登上一艘船时，十有八九船上的人会立即投降。
Because what are a bunch of well-groomed merchants going to do against a horde of disgusting barbarians?
因为一群衣着光鲜的商人能对一群恶心的野蛮人做什么呢？
If the defending ship did decide to fight back, though,
不过，如果防守的船只真决定反击，
the resulting brawl wouldn't be anything like the movies; it'd be way worse like immediate R-rating.
那么由此引发的打斗不会像电影中那样，而是会更暴力，会立即被定为限制级电影。
Because Pirates rely a lot on brutality.
因为海盗在很大程度上靠残暴取胜，
Both because they don't have much real training and because it scares the shit out of people.
这一方面是因为他们没有太多的实际训练，也因为残暴行为可以直接把人吓尿。
If you were a deck hand on an invaded ship and you were stupid enough to fight back, you wouldn't be dancing around doing flips and shit, none of that.
如果你是一艘被入侵船只上的水手，而且你愚蠢到进行反击，那么你不会跳来跳去地翻跟头什么的，这些都没有。
Instead they'd probably shoot you in the stomach with a flintlock pistol,
相反，他们可能会用燧发手枪朝你的肚子开枪，
kick you to the ground,
把你踢倒在地，
chop off your shoulder blade with a hand axe,
用手斧砍掉你的肩胛骨，
gouge out your eyes with a marlin spike
用马林鱼叉挖出你的眼睛，
wind your intestines around the prow,
把你的肠子缠在船头，
and then toss your twitching body overboard.
然后把你抽搐的身体扔到海里。
And that's only a slight exaggeration.
这个描述只是稍微夸张了点。
Honestly, if Jack Sparrow got attacked by actual pirates, he wouldn't last a second.
说实话，如果杰克船长被真正的海盗袭击，他连一秒钟都撑不住。
It's kind of like a used-car salesman going to prison, like:
就像二手车推销员进了监狱说：
I'll be fine if anybody tries intimidating me.
如果有人试图恐吓我，我不会有事的。
I can get out of it with my quick wit and charming personality.
我可以用我的机智和魅力摆平一切。
Boy, you look real pretty from behind.
小子，你从后面看挺漂亮的。
Oh wow, I'm boned.
哦哇，我不直了。
So yeah, in short, if you're thinking about pulling a Captain Phillips anytime soon, I'd advise against it.
所以，简单说，如果你近期有扮演菲利普船长的想法，我建议你不要这么做。
That's all for today till next time.
今天就到这里，下次再见。
I'm Sam andella, and thank you for watching.
我是山姆·奥内拉，感谢您的观看。
