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Hey kids, let me talk to you about dog breeding.
嘿，小孩，让我和你聊聊狗的育种。
Nowadays dogs are mostly around just to be a cute companion, right?
现在的狗大多都是作为可爱的伙伴而存在，对吧？
So breeding has gone from functionality to cuteness.
所以育种已经从功能性转向了可爱性。
And that's fine as long as it stays within the bounds of nature.
只要保持在自然界限内，那就没问题。
But that's not enough for today's breeder.
但是这对于现在的育种员来说不够。
So how do you make a dog cuter?
那么怎样才能让一只狗更可爱呢？
Apparently, by giving it disgusting genetic deformities.
显然是赋予它可怕的先天畸形。
And chances are you, the listener, agree with that. You just don't know you do.
而且很有可能你，作为听众，会同意这种做法。你只是不知道你同意了。
Let me show you what I mean.
请让我说明我的意思。
See this? This is a relatively normal dog.
看到这个了吗？这是一只相对正常的狗。
Notice the snout, the eyes, the shape of the head --not too far gone from the wolves that today's dogs come from.
注意它的嘴筒子、眼睛、头部形状，它与狗的祖先——狼——相差不远。
Now let me take you through some other breeds.
现在让我带你了解一些其他品种。
First is the bull terrier.
首先是斗牛梗。
100 years ago, still look pretty normal, right?
100年前，看起来还算相当正常，对吧？
Now here's today's version.
这是现在的版本。
Jesus, who needs snouts, right?
老天爷，谁需要嘴筒子？
Let's just give it a long continuous Boomerang-shaped head with two tiny holes at the end.
不如给它一个长长的、连续的、回旋镖形状的头，然后两个小洞当眼睛。
Seriously, it looks like Toucan Sam is trying to fit inside a dog costume.
说真的，它看起来就像巨嘴鸟山姆试图穿上狗的玩偶服。（注：巨嘴鸟山姆是一个麦片品牌的吉祥物。）
And look at its eyes.
再看看它的眼睛。
They're permanently pointed up at the sky as if to say God, why did you let me become this? Please kill me.
眼睛永远望向天空，仿佛在说：上帝啊，你为什么让我变成这样？请杀了我算了。
Do you guys remember Spuds MacKenzie, the old Bud Light mascot?
你们还记得斯巴德·麦肯锡吗？就是百威昕蓝啤酒的吉祥物。
Well, I just realized why they chose a bull terrier of all dogs.
嗯，我刚刚明白为什么他们在所有狗中选择了斗牛梗。
It's because he looked like his mom drank nothing but Bud Light for her entire pregnancy.
因为他看起来就像他妈妈在怀孕期间只喝百威淡啤。
Next up is the pug.
接下来是哈巴狗。
I'll probably get some hate for this one. But I don't care.
我可能会因为下面的话而被人骂。但我不在乎。
They've been bred specifically to look like they've been smashed in the goddamn face with a frying pan.
它们就是专门培育得像是被一个平底锅砸扁了脸。
And because of this, because of their fact that their skull is shaped like a f* tuna can, they can barely breathe their whole lives.
正因如此，因为他们的头骨像金枪鱼罐头一样，所以他们一生都无法正常呼吸。
Ever been around a pug?
你在哈巴狗身边待过吗？
Constantly, no matter the temperature or the weather, they sit there going.
每时每刻，不管气温或天气如何，他们都坐在那里呼哧呼哧地喘气。
And people think this sh* is cute.
而人类认为这玩意儿很可爱。
If my baby came out with a flat nose, harelip, cylindrical head and no neck going.
如果我的孩子生下来是塌鼻子、兔唇、圆柱头、没有脖子，还呼哧喘气，
I'd be like Jesus f*, put it back in. It's clearly not done yet.
我会说：老天爷啊，快把它放回肚子里重造。它显然还没有长好。
Next is the dachshund.
接下来是腊肠犬。
Now there is no excuse for this one.
这个没有借口了。
The head is fine, right?
头还行，对吧？
But the body, good God.
但是身体， 天哪。
It's got a torso shaped like a godamn doorstop with those pointless legs just kind of stapled on.
躯干形状就像一个门挡，然后没有关节的腿就像是被钉在上面一样。
Now it's been a little while since I reminded you what a normal dog looks like so here,
距离我上次向你展示一只正常的狗长什么样已经有一段时间了，
now let me go into Photoshop real quick,
所以现在让我快速P一下图，
and do all the changes necessary to make this dog look like a dachshund.
进行所有必要的修改，让这只狗看起来像一只腊肠犬。
Look at that.
看看吧。
That's not okay.
这样不行。
Why even have legs at this point？
都这样了，还要腿干嘛？
Might as well just keep going until it's just a drumstick from the neck down.
不如直接让腿退化，让它从脖子以下就是一根大鸡腿的样子。
And there's no reason. It's just one day someone was like: People like dogs, and people like ferrets.
而且这样做没有理由。只是有一天有人说：人们喜欢狗，人们也喜欢雪貂。
So why don't we make some chimera abomination halfway in between the two?
那么为什么不把狗和雪貂拼成一个杂种怪物呢？
And see what happens.
然后看看会发生什么。
My least favorite breed, though, out of all of them it's just straight up f* in every way.
不过，在所有品种中，我最不喜欢的品种从头到尾都是畸形的。
A testament to humankind's never-ending corruption of the natural world.
这是人类无休止地破坏自然造物的证据。
I'm talking about the chihuahua.
我说的就是吉娃娃。
It's like somebody took a normal dog,
它就像有人把一只正常的狗焯了水，
and boiled away every aspect except for anger and neuroticism, leaving this tiny hell creature behind.
过滤掉除了愤怒和神经质之外的所有方面，然后剩下了这个小小的地狱坏种。
And this is one of of the nicer pictures I could find.
这还是我能找到的比较好看的照片。
Take a look at this.
你可以看看这张照片。
Someone call a priest,
哪个好心人去把神父叫来吧，
and we let these things inhabit our homes.
我们竟然让这种东西住进了我们家里。
This poor woman's going to wake up with her f* nose chewed off and just be like "Oh, Mr Wiggles was a little hungry this morning, wasn't he?"
这个可怜的女人醒来时会发现她的鼻子被狗咬掉了，而她只会说：“哦，小狗狗今天早上有点饿了，是吗？”
Meanwhile the dogs just sitting there like. Bloodlust.
与此同时，这狗只会坐在那里狂吠，嗜血地狂吠。
The only time they're not being needlessly aggressive towards people it's when they're off pissing, shitting and vomiting all over their surroundings.
它们唯一不会毫无理由地对人有攻击性的时候，就是他们去随地大小便和呕吐的时候。
And you would think such a small dog would at least produce manageable waste.
而且你会以为这么小的狗至少拉不出太大的屎。
But much like the creature itself, the small things it does expel are straight up toxic.
但就像这种生物本身一样，它排出的小东西也是有毒的。
It's like some of the chihuahua's pent-up hatred for the mortal plane manifests itself in every dump it takes.
就好像吉娃娃对人间世界的压抑的仇恨在它的每一次排泄中表现出来了。
I would rather clean up a full-grown man's shit from my floor than wipe up the septic nightmare that is chihuahua's squirts.
我宁愿清理地板上一个成年人的粪便，也不愿擦掉吉娃娃喷出的脓毒般的粪便。
The only good thing about owning a chihuahua is that if it ever gets rabies, it'll be fine.
养吉娃娃的唯一好处是，如果它得了狂犬病，也没事。
Cuz you won't be able to tell the goddamn difference.
因为你根本无法分辨出得没得病的区别。
It'll still be sitting there.
它依然会坐在那里狂吠。
Business as usual.
一切照旧。
So that's my little rant about the monstrosities that live right beneath our noses.
这就是我对那些生活在我们眼皮底下的怪物的小小咆哮/吐槽。
I'm Sam O'Nella, and thank you for watching.
我是山姆·奥内拉，感谢你的观看。
