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You suck at cooking, yeah you totally suck.
你的厨艺弱爆了，完全弱爆了。
You asked for it, and now it's here.
你要的食谱，我写出来了。
If you didn't ask for it, it's still here.
就算你不要，我也写出来了。
You Suck At Cooking, available everywhere books are sold.
《你的厨艺弱爆了》，各大书店均可购买。
Now let's make some soup.
现在我们来做个汤吧。
We're gonna start by hunting down some wild deciduous cheddar.
首先去野外采集一些落叶切达干酪。
It's getting pretty close to the end of the season, so just get whatever you can.
干酪的季节快要过去了，所以能找到什么就算什么吧。
If you're lucky, you might be able to still get some nuggets.
运气好的话，可能会找到几个大块的。
Oh, yeah, look at that nug. Perfectly ripe.
哦，不错，看看这一大块。已经熟透了。
Now let's try to find some broccoli.
现在试着找一些西兰花。
A lot of people don't realize broccoli's from the evergreen tree, because broccoli's not from the evergreen tree.
很多人都不知道西蓝花长在冬青树丛里，因为西兰花确实不是长在冬青树丛里。
It's a fungus that grows on old fallen logs. Bingo.
西蓝花是一种生长在朽木上的真菌。找到了。
Now we're gonna extract some fresh veggie broth.
现在要萃取一些新鲜的蔬菜汤汁。
We need 4 cups in total.
总共需要4个杯子。
I've never used one of these broth extractors before, but I think you just...
我以前从来没有用过这种汤汁萃取器，我觉得只需要......
Yeah, attach that. 'kay then.
安上这个，好的。
It will start by extracting from the carrot. Perfect.
首先吸胡萝卜。完美。
Okay, we'll extract some yam broth. Ope! Okay, whoa! I think that's good.
再吸一点红薯汁。哦，好的，啊，我觉得可以了。
Hey Siri, turn off the broth extractor.
嘿，Siri，关掉汤汁萃取器。
I'm not sure what you mean, could you rephrase that?
我不太明白你的意思，你能换个说法吗？
No, no, no, no, no! Stop!
不，不，不！快关掉!
Come on, come on. Alright, alright.
快点，快点。好的，好的。
Turn it off! Somebody call somebody!
快关掉它！有没有人？来人啊！
Okay, I panicked.
好吧，我吓坏了。
I...I forgot about the switch.
我......我忘了开关在哪里。
You know, there's nothing wrong with buying broth or using bullion cubes.
其实，去买点肉汤或者用浓汤宝也可以。
Nothing wrong with that at all.
这样做完全没问题。
Now we're gonna take some time to repair the broccoli's self-esteem, since most kids are raised to think broccoli is bad.
现在要花一些时间来恢复西兰花的自尊心，因为大多数孩子从小就认为西兰花不好吃。
Hey, look. You're okay and you're enough.
嘿，听我说，你很好，没有什么不如别人的。
You're smart, I think. And you're green enough to do anything you want, especially be in a soup.
我觉得你很聪明，你也很绿，你想做什么事情都能做到，特别是做成一碗汤。
You think cookies are better than you?
你觉得饼干比你好吗？
Just because everyone likes them better than you, doesn't mean anything other than everyone likes them better than you.
比起你大家都更喜欢饼干，这说明不了任何事，只能说明大家都更喜欢饼干。
And you're way better than that jackass kale.
而且你比那个混蛋羽衣甘蓝强多了。
And don't even get me started on crispy water, So you got that going for you? Amen.
更别说包菜了，所以你感觉好些了吗？阿门。
Now that the broccoli is feeling better about itself, gently lay it on the cutting board and give it a good smash,
现在西蓝花自我感觉好些了，那就把它轻轻地放在切菜板上，一拳砸上去，
or pretend it's the 1930s, or get out your yellow belt.
或者假装是在20世纪30年代，或者拿出你的跆拳道黄腰带。
You want to break those down pretty small, and we'll need six cups total fungus.
要把西蓝花切成得很碎，一共需要六杯。
Now we're gonna heat up that broth until it starts to boil, then reduce it to low and add the broccoli.
现在把肉汤加热到沸腾，然后把火调小，然后加入西蓝花。
We'll leave that in there for 25 minutes.
放在那里煮25分钟。
This is one instance where boiling is better than baking because we're gonna drink that broccoli water.
这是一个宜煮不宜烤的例子，因为我们要喝煮出来的西蓝花水。
After 25 minutes, take it off the burner and let it cool for 10 minutes.
25分钟后，把它从炉子上取下来，让它冷却10分钟。
Then it's time to use an immersion blender, also known as the spinny stick, also known as the decimation wand, also known as the Rotating Shred-jangler.
然后要用浸入式搅拌机，它也被称为旋转棒、毁灭棒、旋转碎搅机。
How do you use this thing?
这个东西怎么用？
Well, the instructions are built into the name; you immerse it. Otherwise you get molten soup splatter.
名字已经告诉你了，要把它浸入汤里，不然汤会溅出来。
So make sure it's off before you pull it out.
一定要先关掉它，再把它从汤里拿出来。
But if you don't like the smash shaft you can also go to town with the hand masher for a chunkier soup.
如果你不喜欢这个粉碎棒，也可以用捣泥棒手动捣碎汤里的西蓝花，碎块会更大。
But if you don't have a hand masher or a breakdown baton, you can use a blender.
如果你没有捣泥棒和粉碎棒，也可以用搅拌机。
Let it cool for 10 to 20 minutes first before you carefully pour it in, then open or take out the stopper and hold a towel over it.
先让汤冷却10到20分钟，然后小心地倒进去，然后打开或取出盖子，用毛巾盖住它。
This lets the hot air out so it doesn't explode.
这会让热空气放出来，这样就不会爆炸。
But blenders are for smoothies, so let's get back to that rekt sceptre.
但是搅拌机是用来做冰沙的，所以还是用粉碎棒吧。
Once that's broken down to your personal level of non-chunkatude, you can start working in two cups of shredded deciduous.
你觉得这个碎度可以之后，就可以倒两杯碎干酪了。（chunkatude是chunk加后缀-tude构成的新造词）
Don't forget to check for WABS and add more salt or bullion if necessary, and as much Triple P as you like.
别忘了检查WABS（汤不够浓），如果需要的话，可以多加些盐和浓汤宝，以及胡椒胡椒胡椒。
When you serve it don't forget to sprinkle some of that deciduous cheddar into a smiley face, to make the soup look inviting.
把汤端上桌时，别忘了撒点干酪，把干酪摆成笑脸，这样可以让汤看起来很诱人。
This helps win over the cookie-loving broccoli-haters.
能赢得喜欢饼干但讨厌西蓝花的人的欢心。
Four ingredients, tastes great.
四种配料，味道很好。
Super easy, as long as you don't have to clean the pot.
做法超级简单，除了洗锅。
The easiest way to clean cheese on the pot is to put it in a sink, then gently lift it and throw it in the trash.
要清洗锅上的奶酪，最简单的方法是把它放在水槽，然后轻轻地拎起来，扔进垃圾桶。
But if you don't want to throw out your pot, use really hot water and soap with a scrub brush.
如果你不想扔掉锅，可以用很热的热水、肥皂和刷子。
Once that's clean, use another scrub brush to clean the cheese off that brush.
锅洗干净之后，用另一把刷子把这把刷子上的奶酪刷干净。
Okay, that was supposed to be a joke, but it actually worked really well.
好吧，本来是开个玩笑，但实际上效果很好。
Stomach is rumbling.
肚子咕咕叫，
Think I need to fill it with something big.
要吃顿大餐把它填饱。
My hunger is on the brink, but soup's not food.
我要饿晕了，但汤不算食物，
It's just a chunky drink.
只是有固体的饮料。
Need to stock, pretty fast, but something dry.
我要食物，食物快来，来点不带汤的食物。
That doesn't splash. Keep that soup away from me because I want food.
来点不会洒出来的食物。把汤拿走，因为我要食物。
Not Cheddar Broccoli Cheese Soup, isn't food, Cuz you don't have to chew.
不要切达干酪西蓝花汤，这不是食物，因为根本不用嚼。
If you do have to chew, it's still mostly a drink with chunks. Yeah, don't you think?
就算汤也要嚼，它也还是有菜块的汤，你不觉得吗？
