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So we've all had that moment where you're at a bar, you're maybe dancing a little bit, moving around
我们都经历过这样的时刻，就是你在一个酒吧的时候，你可能在跳舞，四处走动，
and you see someone looking at you out of the corner of your eye
这时你看到旁边有人在看着你，
and then your movements become a little more constricted,
然后你的动作就会收敛一点，
you become a little more in your head, you're worried about what they might think about you.
你的想法开始多起来，你会担心他们是怎么看你的。
So that's an external motivation.
这就是一种外在驱动力。
In any moment you can ask yourself. Am I doing this because I want to or because I think people will like it?
在任何时刻你都可以问自己，我做这件事是因为我想做还是因为我觉得这样做别人会喜欢?
If we're basing it off of the reality that someone else will like it we'll never really know.
如果我们把它建立在别人会喜欢它的事实之上，我们就永远不会知道答案。
We open ourselves up for that social anxiety, the fear of negative judgment, the unknown of external validation.
我们对社交焦虑，对负面评价的恐惧，对外界认可的未知敞开心扉。
So we can always ask ourselves what do I want to do right now?
所以我们总是可以问自己，我现在想做什么?
What is interesting to me? What will feel good to me?
我感兴趣的是什么?什么会让我感觉好?
And act off of that to eliminate social anxiety to bring more confidence into our conversations.
并以此答案为基础采取行动，消除社交焦虑，从而为我们的谈话带来更多的自信。
So that's how we find our authentic voice and use it.
这就是我们如何找到并使用我们真实的想法。
And your authentic voice is a deep down understanding of who you are, what you care about and what you believe.
你真实的想法就是对你是谁、你关心什么、你相信什么的深刻理解。
And it's only when we have that foundational understanding that we're able to bring confidence into social situations.
只有当我们有了这种基本的理解，我们才能把自信带入社交场合中。
Because if we're not basing our actions off of this internal understanding we're constantly looking for external validation,
因为如果我们的行为不是建立在这种内部理解的基础上的，我们就会不断地寻求外部的认可，
for other people to tell us what is cool, what is acceptable, what is appropriate.
让别人告诉我们什么是酷的，什么是可以接受的，什么是合适的。
And if you look at the actual definition of social anxiety it's literally the fear of negative judgment,
如果你看看社交焦虑的实际定义，它其实就是对负面评价的恐惧，
so again, it's based in that external validation.
所以，再说一次，这是基于外部验证的情况。
And I love Carl Sagan who says we can judge our progress by the courage of our questions and the depth of our answers.
我爱卡尔·萨根，他说我们可以通过问问题的勇气和答案的深度来判断我们的进步。
And so to find our authentic voice we need to ask ourselves these courageous questions.
因此，为了找到我们真实的想法，我们需要问自己这些勇敢的问题。
Ask yourself what's the dream if I could not fail? what would I do with my time?
问问你自己，如果我不能失败，我的梦想是什么?我将如何利用我的时间?
Ask yourself what am I not doing that I would like to be?
问问你自己，有没有什么想做的事我还没做?
Ask yourself what is most challenging for me right now?
问问你自己，现在对我来说最具挑战性的是什么?
And we can trust questions in conversation, just ask yourself the last time someone asked you a question,
我们可以相信在对话中问问题的作用，只要问问你自己，上一次别人问你问题的时候，
looked you in the eyes and listened to you, how did it feel? Universally good, it always will.
那个人看着你的眼睛，聆听着你的话语，那感觉怎么样？都非常好，总是这样的。
So whenever we're asking questions we can trust that we're learning and growing and that we're leaving a good impression.
所以每当我们问问题的时候，我们可以相信我们正在学习和成长，我们正在给对方留下一个好印象。
And there's one simple question we can ask ourselves to fundamentally transform our conversations.
我们可以问自己一个简单的问题，它会从根本上改变我们的对话。
So 60 seconds, whether it's going on a date, whether it's going into a big conference,
只需要60秒，不管它是一次约会，或是一次大型会议，
whatever it may be, ask yourself what am I most excited to learn about the people that I will meet?
不管是什么社交场合，问问你自己，对于我要遇见的这个人，我最想知道的关于他的事情是什么？
What am I most excited to learn about the people that I will meet?
我最想知道的关于他的事情是什么？
So what you will do is you will establish something I call the curiosity compass.
所以你要做的事情就是创建一样东西，我称它为“好奇心指南针”。
You'll establish a series of questions that are authentic to you that you genuinely want to ask these people.
你会想到一系列对你来说是真实的问题，这些问题是你真正想问他人的问题。
And basically what happens now is you're focusing more on being interested than on being interesting,
所以你就会更关注于自己感不感兴趣，而不是聊的东西有没有趣。
which is one of the oldest techniques in the book to actually feel more confident in social situations.
这是书中最古老的技巧之一，它能让你在社交场合更自信。
So when you've identified your curiosity compass it's much easier to exist with anyone and feel comfortable.
所以当你发现了自己的好奇心指南针的时候，跟任何人待在一块都会更加轻松，都会感到舒服。
And so having these questions, just lodged to memory are going to make you feel better when you're in these social situations.
所以把这些问题留在记忆里，会让你在社交场合时感觉更好。
Outside of the question, what do I most want to learn about these people？
除了这个问题，我最想了解这些人的什么？
I also think it's important for people to think about what I call your go to questions.
我觉得还有一个人们要考虑的重要的事情，我称它为“你想提问的问题”。
And so your go to questions are three to five questions that you generally always want to know to people.
“你想提问的问题”指的就是3到5个问题，就是通常你想了解别人的问题。
So this could be what are you most excited about? This could be what's the dream?
所以这些问题可能包括，什么最让你感到兴奋？你的梦想是什么？
What's your priority right now? What's the next big thing you have coming up?
你现在的首要任务是什么？你接下来要做什么大事?
It could be what's something awesome you've learned recently?
可能是你最近学到了什么很棒的东西?
And what happens is you think of Yogi Berra the amazing New York Yankees catcher and he used to say,
你会想到了不起的纽约洋基队的接球手尤吉·贝拉，他曾经说过，
"You can't think and hit at the same time",
“你不能同时思考和击球”，
because hitting is this incredibly fast, just volatile act and so once the ball comes out of that hand
因为击球是非常快的，只是一个挥拍的动作，所以一旦球从手中扔出来，
and it's coming into the batter's box you're not thinking about it.
它就会进入击球区，这个过程你根本来不及思考。
Everything in your body has just been trained to react to it and hit that ball where you want it to go.
你身体里的所有东西都被训练成只是对它做出反应，然后把球打到你想要它去的地方。
And so I think that when you're in conversation there's so many things that we can worry about,
所以我认为当你在谈话的时候，我们会担心很多事情，
many stories we can bring into it, but when we have those questions logged to memory,
我们可以讲很多故事，但是当我们把那些重要的问题存到记忆时，
we're so much more likely to bring those types of things into conversation
我们更有可能把这些事情带入谈话中来引导我们进行更有趣的对话，
to lead us towards more interesting conversations that we're generally going to care about.
这是我们通常会关心的。
And another powerful exercise that we can practice for asking better questions is something called the golden rule of questions.
另一个我们可以用来练习问更好的问题的强大的练习叫做“提问的黄金法则”。
And we all know the golden rule in life, treat others the way that you would like to be treated.
我们都知道生活的黄金法则是什么，那就是己所不欲，勿施于人。
So the golden rule of questions, ask questions to others that you would like to be asked yourself.
所以“提问的黄金法则”就是，问那些你想被别人问的问题。
If you just take some time to identify here are the types of things that I would like to be asked about,
如果你花点时间来确定这些是我想问的问题，
here are the types of things that I want to talk about,
这些是我想讨论的问题，
then now you've also identified some of your authentic passions personally in the form of questions that you can give to someone else.
现在，你也可以通过提问自己的形式，找到自己真正的兴趣所在。
So this golden rule of questions is a great way to, again,
所以“提问的黄金法则”是一种很棒的方式，
further deepen your understanding of the questions that you want to be bringing into conversation and any sort of interpersonal situation.
对你想带进谈话或任何一种交际场合的问题，“提问的黄金法则”会进一步加深你对它们的理解。
