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在本期四六级考试专栏中，全国四六级考委会的夏国佐教授对读者题为“Recreational activities”的作文进行了讲评和改写。这是2008年6月份的四级作文试题。按照四级作文评分标准，作文部分满分15分，这篇文章得9分。如果你希望自己的文章得到夏教授的点评，请按下面要求写出一篇短文，发到elt@21stcentury.com.cn。
Directions: For this part, you are allowed 30 minutes to write a short essay entitled “Recreational activities”. You should write at least 120 words following the outline given below.
1.娱乐活动多种多样。 2.娱乐活动可以使人们受益，也可能带来危害。 3.作为大学生，我认为……
读者原文
Having finished a day’s hard work, we head home, with our exhausted body. At this moment, we need recreational activities to help us to relax and release our pressure. Fortunately, with the rapid development of ecnomic, there have a variety of recreational facilities here and there. So, we students have chances to participate in all kinds of activities as we like.
However, while as the old saying goes, every coin has two sides. When we enjoy ourselves, we may lose control of ourselves. For example, many students are so interested in playing computer games that they even lose interest in their study. One of my roommate is such a person. He became interested in computer games in the first year of our university. And now, he is crazy about it and spent most of time before the computer. To play games, he doesn’t take classes, doesn’t do his homework and even doesn’t take tests. I think it is very dangerous for him. I worry he might be driven out of the university if he continues to do this. I once talk to him and ask him not to play truancy but he said the teaching is so boring. He liked the games.
From my roommate’s example, I know recreational activities can do us good but it can also do harms. Personally, as college students, we should be aware of what we should do and should not do clearly. Above all, study is the first. Only strike a balance between recreational activities and study, can we live a happy life.
修改后的文章
After finishing a day’s hard work, we often go home feeling exhausted. At this time, we need recreational activities to help us relax and find release. Fortunately, with the rapid development of our economy, there are now a variety of recreational facilities available to us. So, we students have many chances to participate in all kinds of recreational activities.
However, as the old saying goes, every coin has two sides. While we are enjoying these activities, we can lose control of ourselves. For example, many students are so interested in playing computer games that they lose interest in their studies.
Among them is one of my roommates. He became interested in computer games in his first year of university. And now he is crazy about them and spends most of his time in front of the computer. Now completely addicted to computer games, he doesn’t go to class, do his homework, or even take tests. I am afraid he will be expelled from the university if he continues to act like this. I once talked to him and tried to persuade him not to skip school, but he said the lectures were boring and he liked games better.
From my roommate’s example, we can see that recreational activities can do us good and also do us harm. As college students, we should be fully aware of what we should and should not do. Whether you like it or not, study should come first. Only by striking a balance between recreational activities and study can we hope to make great achievements and live a happy life.
夏老师的点评
这篇作文写得还算可以，达到了英语四级写作的起码要求，即基本能够用英语书面表达自己的思想。文章内容丰富，观点明确，例证也有说服力。不足的是语言基本功不够扎实，句子结构、单词拼写及习惯搭配上都有相当多的错误。建议该生写完初稿后，自己再多读两遍，尽量将语言错误自己改掉。没有把握的地方可以查一查词典，慢慢养成严谨的学习习惯。 下面是几点具体的修改建议，供习作者参考
adj. 吸引人的，显著的
n. 打击
