Dating has never exactly been easy.
约会从来都不是件容易的事。
In the past, say the '90s and prior, the majority of people met their partners through their communities- either through friends and family, or maybe through their work or their church or their school.
在过去,比如说90年代及以前,大多数人都是通过社区认识的另一半——要么是通过朋友和家人,要么可能是通过工作、教堂或学校。
But then dating apps and online dating appear, and there's an incredible shift.
但后来约会软件和在线约会出现了,并且发生了令人难以置信的转变。
The number of people who meet their partners online shoot up. And in some ways, this is a really good thing.
从网上结识伴侣的人数激增。在某些方面,这确实是好事。
Online dating and dating apps have helped a lot of people.
在线约会和约会软件帮到了很多人。
And I think that the added freedom that online dating has provided has been especially helpful for people in marginalized groups who might not have found their partners otherwise.
而且我认为,在线约会所提供的额外自由,对那些处于边缘化群体的人尤其有帮助,否则他们可能就找不到伴侣了。
But there are some alarming negative trends that are impacting the way that we live our romantic lives today.
但它也存在一些令人担忧的负面趋势,正在影响我们今天的恋爱生活方式。
For pretty much all of history, people met their partners through their community, their family, or friends- dating apps has changed all of that.
在历史上的大部分时间里,人们都是通过他们的社区、家庭或朋友来结识伴侣的——而约会软件改变了这一切。
You can meet someone totally independent of your normal circles, and you can date them without supervision.
你能遇到与你的圈子完全没有交集的人,你可以在无人监督的情况下与他们约会。
But there is something of a downside to all of this privacy too.
但是,这些私密性也带来了一些不利之处。
There's a distinct lack of accountability. You can ghost someone or be ghosted.
存在明显的缺乏问责制的情况。你可以“幽灵”别人,也会被别人“幽灵”。
You can send someone a pic of your genitalia and know that they can't tell anyone about it because who would they tell?
你可以给别人发送你的生殖器照片,而且你知道他们不能告诉任何人,毕竟他们能跟谁说呢?
People behave, I would say, worse when they're online dating, in part because they're not afraid that their behavior will get out.
我想说,人们在线上约会的时候,行为表现会更差,部分原因是他们不担心自己的行为会被曝光。
And some of the stats bear this out.
一些统计数据也能证明这一点。
In a recent survey by Pew Research, 56% of women say that they had been sent a sexually explicit image or an image that they otherwise didn't ask for while dating online.
皮尤研究中心最近的一项调查显示,56%的女性表示,她们在在线约会时曾收到过露骨的性图片或其他她们没有要求的图片。
And over 40% of women say that they had been contacted persistently by somebody who they had attempted to cut off contact with before.
超过40%的女性表示,她们曾被之前试图屏蔽的人继续联系。
37% of women say that they've been called an offensive name while online dating.
37%的女性表示,她们在在线约会时被人起过冒犯性的称呼。
And 11% say that they've actually received threats of physical harm.
而且11%的人表示他们真的收到了身体伤害的威胁。
Of course, it isn't just women feeling the downsides of dating app pressures.
当然,约会软件不仅仅只给女性带来了负面的压力影响。
64% of men say that they've been made to feel insecure by the lack of messages that they've received.
64%的男性表示,他们因收到的信息不足而感到不安。
And I think that there's something about the level of rejection and constant negativity that some people feel experiencing the apps that actually contributes to a sense of, sort of, malaise when it comes to online dating.
我认为,有些人在使用在线约会软件时,会感受到拒绝和持续的负面情绪,这会让他们产生不适感。
I'm not sure that humans were really built to receive the amount of 'in-your-face rejection' that a dating app can give.
我不确定人类是否真的能够承受约会软件中“当面拒绝”所带来的压力。
The number of people you simply don't match with who- it's easy to internalize- just don't like you as a person.
你合不来的那些人本来就不喜欢你,关于这一点,人们很容易走心。
And then there are also what I would call 'the habits of mind' that using dating apps tends to inculcate.
还有我所说的“思维习惯”,使用约会软件往往会助长这种习惯。
Dating apps like Tinder and Bumble and Hinge are set up to sort of 'gamify' dating: swipe left or swipe right on this deck of cards covered in hot people.
像Tinder、Bumble和Hinge这样的约会软件,它们的设计是“游戏化”的约会方式:在一副满是帅哥美女的卡片上向左或向右滑动。
And it can foster this feeling that there are hundreds, thousands, millions of people out there, so why settle for anyone who doesn't match your specifications perfectly?
而且它会让人们觉得有成百上千、成千上万、数以百万计的人可供选择,那我为什么还要凑合选一个不能百分百符合预期的人呢?
Of course, there may be millions of people out there, but that doesn't mean that you can or should date all of them.
确实,外面可能有数百万人,但这并不意味着你可以或应该和他们所有人约会。
But dating apps do give the illusion that there is always something better out there; that there's no reason to put work into one relationship that isn't perfect when you could just find another one and start over again.
但是约会软件确实会给人一种错觉,让人觉得总有更好的人;如果你可以新找一个人重新开始,那就没必要去努力维持一段不完美的关系。
And I think that that may contribute to a delay in settling down for some people.
这一点可能会让一些人迟迟不愿安定下来。
And then of course, with dating apps, pictures are incredibly prominent, and often people are judging based on just appearance.
当然,在约会软件中,照片极其重要,人们往往仅根据外表去判断一个人。
If you have a flattering profile pic, if you can take a good selfie, you're much likely to get a positive swipe.
如果你的头像很吸引人,如果你能拍出好看的自拍照,你就更有可能得到认可的滑动。
But this really cuts against people who, hey, may not be great with a camera, but have other excellent qualities that don't necessarily show up well on a dating app.
但这确实不利于那些不擅长拍照的人,但其实他们有其他优秀的品质,而这些品质不一定能在约会软件上很好地体现出来。
And it's actually men who complain the most about this.
实际上,男性对这一点尤为抱怨。
When people filter, often thoughtlessly, for things like height, say, somebody who doesn't meet those exact specifications, but could be great and perhaps a perfect match in many other areas, never gets a chance to shine.
人们往往在不假思索地筛选身高等条件时,那些不完全符合标准的人可能在其他很多方面都很出色,也许是完美的匹配者,但他们永远没有机会发光。
And then finally, when you think about dating apps and how you are sort of looking through people's kind of marketing bios of themselves: the best picture, their maybe one line of text that a Tinder or Bumble allows, you begin to look at people as objects.
最后,想想约会软件,以及你是如何浏览人们的营销简历的:最好看的照片,或者是Tinder或Bumble允许设置的一行文字,这时候,你是把别人当成物体看待的。
And at the same time, if you're on a dating app, you may be marketing yourself as an object too.
同时,如果你也在使用约会软件,那你也是在把自己当做物体去营销。
So, how can we be more ethical when we're dating and having sex?
那我们在约会和发生性行为时,怎样才能更有道德呢?
In my book "Rethinking Sex," I talk about the idea of 'willing the good of the other,' which I think of as kind of a broad ethic for romantic and, frankly, other partnerships.
在我的书《重新思考性》中,我谈到了“愿意为他人的利益着想”的观点,我觉得这是一种广泛的伦理,适用于浪漫关系,坦率地说,也适用于其他伙伴关系。
The idea is that you try and think of the other person's good, and rank it as highly as you would your own.
这个想法是,你要试着去想别人的好,并且把它看得和你自己的好一样重要。
It's something of the 'golden rule,' but kind of an omnibus.
这有点像“黄金法则”,但又比较笼统。
I think that we have to work really hard to treat people as ends, and not just means.
我们应该把人当作目的,而不仅仅是手段,在这一点上,我们还得加倍努力。
We can think more about emotional intimacy.
我们可以更多地思考情感上的亲密关系。
We can have more respect for commitment, and more respect for other people's boundaries; to respect them as humans, not just images on a screen.
我们可以更加尊重承诺,更加尊重他人的界限;把他们当人去尊重,而不仅仅是屏幕上的图像。
And I will also say, that online dating doesn't necessarily have to take the place of meeting someone in person.
我还要说的是,在线约会不一定非得取代当面约会。
Yes, it is hard to approach someone in the supermarket or at a bar.
没错,在超市或酒吧接近某人是很难的。
The idea of building up the bravery and the social ability that it takes to talk to strangers, that's a healthy thing, whether you're using it for dating or not.
要建立起与陌生人交谈所需的勇气和社交能力,这是一件健康的事情,无论你的目的是不是约会。
Or, you could just keep swiping, and see if anything turns up.
或者,你也可以继续滑动,看看是否能有任何结果。
If you've ever used a dating app yourself, what was the experience like?
如果你自己用过约会软件的话,是什么感觉?
Oh, God, it's a dumpster fire.
哦,天哪,感觉就像垃圾箱着火了一样。