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[00:00.17]You tell yourself that you’re fine, that everything’s all right.
你告诉自己你很好，一切都很好。
[00:04.22]After all, that can happen: it’s normal, desirable even.
毕竟，这是可能发生的：这是正常的，甚至是令人向往的。
[00:09.50]You know it won’t last for ever, but when it happens you have every reason to be happy and not to tell yourself that it’s a trap.
你知道这不会永远持续下去，但当它发生时，你有充分的理由感到高兴，而不是告诉自己这是个陷阱。
[00:16.07]In my case, however, there’s a good chance that it is a trap, another blow that the disease has in store for me.
然而，对我来说，这很可能是一个陷阱，这是疾病为我准备的另一次打击。
[00:23.20]Because it’s no longer me but the disease that wields power over me.
因为控制我的不再是我，而是疾病。
[00:29.72]In the morning, all I want is the ketamine shot that will send me to heaven for at least half an hour.
早上，我只想打一针氯胺酮，让我至少在天堂待半个小时。
[00:35.62]I want it so much that, fearing I won’t be given it if I confess to my psychological state, I say in the questionnaire that I didn’t sleep well and that I had some dark thoughts but that in fact I’m fine.
我非常想要它，我担心如果我承认自己的心理状态就不会得到它，所以我在调查问卷中说我没有睡好，我有一些黑暗的想法，但实际上我很好。
[00:47.20]The drip begins.
点滴开始了。
[00:49.60]I welcome with gratitude the blissful liquefaction, and then very quickly things take a turn for the worse.
我满怀感激地欢迎这种幸福的液体，然后很快事情就变得更糟了。
[00:57.82]I’m heading for death.
我正走向死亡。
[00:59.87]It’s clear: I’m heading for death.
很明显：我正走向死亡。
[01:03.62]The doctors murmur softly to the right of my bed, I don’t understand what they’re saying but they must be reciting verses from the Tibetan Book of the Dead to accompany me to the Bardo.
医生们在我床的右边轻声喃喃地说：我听不懂他们在说什么，但他们一定是在背诵《西藏亡者书》中的诗句，陪我去摆渡。
[01:17.55]There’s a light above me.
我头顶上有一盏灯。
[01:19.97]I have to go there.
我必须去那里。
[01:21.57]I have to go there.
我必须去那里。
[01:23.20]I mustn’t miss the exit.
我不能错过出口。
[01:24.70]I mustn’t remain in this in-between state, this bad life.
我不能再停留在这种中间状态，这种糟糕的生活。
[01:29.37]Everything must end and the suffering must stop, for good.
一切都必须结束，痛苦必须停止，永远停止。
[01:33.75]Several times I go to the enormous effort -- when you’re on ketamine, every word costs you dearly -- of repeating “I want to die, I want to die.”
有几次，我付出了巨大的努力--当你服用氯胺酮的时候，每句话都让你付出了沉重的代价--重复说：我想死，我想死。
[01:45.72]Instead of two doctors there are now four or five in my room, which becomes too small, much too small, a small box that shrinks even more, and, stuck to the ceiling, I start to cry.
现在我的房间里不是两个医生，而是四五个医生，我的房间太小了，太小了，就像一个小盒子，还会缩小，贴在天花板上，我开始哭了。
[01:57.90]I cry, I cry, I say that I want to die, that I know very well that it’s not their job to kill me, but I beg them to do it anyway.
我哭了，我哭了，我说我想死，我很清楚杀我不是他们的工作，但我恳求他们无论如何都要杀了我。
[02:06.60]Finally, in response to my moans and my begging that they kill me, or failing that, that they at least turn off my mind, that’s what they do, and quickly.
最后，为了回应我的抱怨，我恳求他们杀了我，或者如果做不到，他们至少让我别再想了，这就是他们所做的，而且很快。
[02:17.27]One shot, the fuses blow, everyone’s gone.
开一枪，保险丝就会断，所有人都死定了。
