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There are conversations that will intensify conflict or the potential thereof.
有些对话会加剧矛盾或有可能加剧矛盾
And there are conversations who will intensify understanding, potentially even resolution.
还有些对话能够增强了解 甚至有可能增强决心
Conversations that are sure to polarize in which for everything you say I come back with what I have to say, without ever taking into account what you just said.
无论你说什么 我回复给你的都是我想说的东西 而非考虑你刚才说了什么 这样的对话必定会走向极端
You know what happens.
你知道后果是什么
When people disagree they literally have the capacity to listen to ten seconds of what the other side has to say.
当人们持不同意见时 他们只有耐心听对方说十秒
Ten seconds – that’s three sentences.
十秒钟——也就是三句话的时间
And by then they already are busy creating their rebuttal.
那时候 他们早已急不可耐地想要说出自己的反驳
They are no longer listening. They are just preparing their return, their retort.
他们不会再倾听 他们只是在准备自己的回复和辩驳
When you have that kind of conversation here is what happens.
如果你有这样的对话 那事实就是这样
One is I am constantly just going to come back at you.
一是 我一直在想怎么反驳你
I am not integrating what I heard from you and it doesn’t influence anything of what I’m saying.
我完全不在乎你说了什么 它也不会影响任何我想说的内容
So basically you’re saying the same thing over and over again and I’m saying the same thing over and over again and those two never meet.
所以基本就是 你在一遍遍重复着同样的事情 我也在一遍遍重复着同样的事情 而这两者永远不会交汇
And the more I say X, the more I make you say Y.
我说了越多关于X的事 你就会说越多关于Y的事
It’s like I’m going to – it’s me who is reinforcing you saying the fundamental thing with which you disagree with.
就像是——是我在强化你去说一些你不同意的基本的事情
I come with expectations of what I think you think or may say or may want.
我会期待一些我认为的你的想法或你想说想要的东西
All relationships are colored with expectations about myself and about the other.
所有关系都带有关于自己和他人的期待
My expectations influence that which I then see or hear.
我的期待会影响我看到或听到的内容
It is a filter as well as my mood is a filter.
它就像过滤器 我的心情也是过滤器
We in communication have the ability to set the other people up
对话中的我们有能力给别人设置圈套
because we will draw from them the very things with which we expect from them even when it’s the opposite of what we really want.
因为我们会从中获得我们所期望的东西 即便它与我们想要的完全相反
We create the others in relationships and in communication.
我们在关系和对话中会创造别人
It isn’t just that’s who they are and that’s who we are.
这不仅仅是因为他们就是那样的人 或者我们就是这样的人
That is one of the most important things to understand about relationships and communication is how people actually co-create each other in the context of a relationship
而是对关系和对话而言 要理解的最重要的一件事是 人们在一段关系中会如何互相创造出一个彼此
and why we are not the same person with different people.
以及为什么我们和不同的人在一起会是不同的自己
Because those people make part of who we are.
因为这些人会成为我们自己的一部分
When we are in conflictual relationships we will often be prone to negative attributions
当我们处于一段冲突关系中 我们会倾向于负面归因
which is that when you speak to me a certain way it’s because you have a bad temper or you have a nasty personality.
也就是说 当你用某种方式跟我说话时 那是因为你脾气很坏或者你性格很差
When I speak to you in a certain way it’s because I had a lot of traffic getting here this morning and because I’m having a bad day.
当我用某种方式跟你说话时 是因为我今天早上遇到了大堵车 而且这一天都很不顺
You are a bad person, I have just bad circumstances.
你是个坏人 而我只是因为处境不好
I essentialize you and I contextualize me.
我对你的判断很武断 对自己却很客观
All of these things will intensify conflict.
所有这些都会加剧矛盾
It’s the opposite that will create the potential for understanding.
只有完全相反的一面才有可能促进理解
Is my ability to take in what you say, to mull it over, to include it in my response so that I make you feel that you matter,
也就是 我认真听你在说些什么 再三思考 并且把你说的话包含在我的回复中 让你知道你很重要
that what you say makes a difference, that it enters me, that you’re not just talking to the wind.
你说的话有作用 让你知道我听进去了 你并没有对牛弹琴
What is lacking is the ability to see that speaking is entirely dictated by the quality of the listening that is reflected back on us.
我们所缺乏的能力是 看到人们所说的话被反射在我们身上的倾听质量给完全转化了
If I’m talking to someone who is on their phone I will be expressing myself and experiencing the communication completely different
如果我跟一个正在打电话的人说话 那么我的自我表达和对话感受会完全不同于
than if I am speaking to someone who is looking at me in the eyes, who is shaking their head, who says to me I get it, I understand. Not necessarily I agree.
跟一个直视我的双眼 持续摇头 告诉我“听懂了 我理解 我不一定同意”的人的对话感受
So when you listen to me the first thing I need to know is that I have your attention.
所以当你听我说话的时候 我要知道的第一件事就是你的注意力在我身上
The second thing I need to know is that maybe you can acknowledge the validity of my point of view.
我要知道的第二件事是或许你会认同我观点的正确性
That doesn’t mean you agree with my point of view but my point of view makes sense.
这不是说你就得同意我的观点 而是说我的观点也有一定的道理
And potentially you may even empathize with my point of view.
或许你还会同情我的观点
You can understand why I would think or feel or experience things the way I do.
你可以理解我为什么会这么想 为什么会有这种感觉或感受
That reflecting back, acknowledging, validating, empathizing.
这种反射 承认 确认 同情
That sequence is where the depth of communication takes place.
这个过程会引发深入的交流
Because ultimately if I speak to you and in the end I leave feeling even more alone I’m literally in an existential crisis.
因为如果我跟你说了话 最后却感觉更加孤单 那我就身处存在危机中了
There is nothing worse than to be alone in the presence of another.
明明有他人陪伴 却感觉更加孤单 没有什么比这更糟糕的了
