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For years, I had resisted medication, making many, many efforts to get off.
这些年来，我一直反对用药，为此会付出一切。
I felt that if I could manage without medication,
我感觉到我不服用药物也可以保持
I could prove that, after all, I wasn't really mentally ill, it was some terrible mistake.
我想要证明，毕竟我精神上没问题，只不过是诊断上犯得错误而已
My motto was the less medicine, the less defective.
我的理念是服药越少,瑕疵就越少
My L.A. analyst, Dr. Kaplan, was urging me just to stay on medication and get on with my life,
我的分析师Kaplan博士,当时劝我坚持服药并且就这样生活下去
but I decided I wanted to make one last college try to get off.
但是我决定我想要最最后一次尝试
Quoting from the text:
从文中引用:
"I started the reduction of my meds, and within a short time I began feeling the effects.
"我开始减少我的用药量,而在短时间之内，我就感觉到了一些变化
After returning from a trip to Oxford, I marched into Kaplan's office,
在从牛津旅行回来后,我冲进了Kaplan的办公室,
headed straight for the corner, crouched down, covered my face, and began shaking.
冲向角落,蹲了下来，捂住我的脸,开始颤抖
All around me I sensed evil beings poised with daggers.
在我周围我感觉到了拿了匕首的恶魔
They'd slice me up in thin slices or make me swallow hot coals.
他们把我切成了碎片，或者让我吞下滚烫的煤球
Kaplan would later describe me as 'writhing in agony.'
Kaplan后来把我当时情景描述为"在撕心裂肺的痛苦中蠕动"
Even in this state, what he accurately described as acutely and forwardly psychotic,
即使在这个状态下,他准确地描述为急性神经病
I refused to take more medication.
我拒绝服用更多的药物
The mission is not yet complete.
因为任务还没有完成
Immediately after the appointment with Kaplan,
在与Kaplan的面会结束后,
I went to see Dr. Marder, a schizophrenia expert who was following me for medication side effects.
我去看了Marder医生,一位精神分裂症专家，他是负责观察我用药的副作用的
He was under the impression that I had a mild psychotic illness.
他觉得我可能有一定程度上的精神分裂
Once in his office, I sat on his couch, folded over, and began muttering.
一次在他的办公室,我坐在沙发上,蜷缩起来,然后开始喃喃自语
'Head explosions and people trying to kill.
"头破血流,人们试图杀戮,
Is it okay if I totally trash your office?'
我能不能把你的办公室彻底当垃圾处理?"
'You need to leave if you think you're going to do that,' said Marder.
"如果你那么想的话,你需要现在离开." Marder说
'Okay. Small. Fire on ice. Tell them not to kill me. "
好吧.小一点.在冰上的火.告诉他们不要杀我.
Tell them not to kill me. What have I done wrong?
告诉他们不要杀我.我做错什么了?
Hundreds of thousands with thoughts, interdiction.'
成百上千个想法被封锁
Elyn, do you feel like you're dangerous to yourself or others?
Elyn,你是不是觉得你对自己或他人很危险?
I think you need to be in the hospital.
我认为你应该待在医院里
I could get you admitted right away, and the whole thing could be very discrete.'
我可以现在就让你被容纳进来,整个事情会变得十分分散."
'Ha, ha, ha. You're offering to put me in hospitals?
哈哈哈,你想把我放在医院里?
Hospitals are bad, they're mad, they're sad.
医院是不好的,它们都疯了,它们都十分难过
One must stay away. I'm God, or I used to be.'
任何一个人都得远离医院.我就是上帝,或者我以前是.
At that point in the text, where I said "I'm God, or I used to be,"
在那个情况下,当我说"我是上帝,或者我以前是"的时候,
my husband made a marginal note.
我的丈夫在边上记了一笔
He said, "Did you quit or were you fired?"
他问:"那你是退出了还是被开除了?"
"'I give life and I take it away.
"我创造生命然后我拿走他们,
Forgive me, for I know not what I do.'
原谅我吧,因为我不知道该做什么."
Eventually, I broke down in front of friends, and everybody convinced me to take more medication.
最后,我在朋友面前倒塌了,然后每个人都想说服我去继续服用药物
I could no longer deny the truth, and I could not change it.
我再也不能否定事实了,而且我无法改变这样一个事实
The wall that kept me, Elyn, Professor Saks,
那堵隔离我,Elyn还有Saks教授的墙
separate from that insane woman hospitalized years past, lay smashed and in ruins."
与那个疯女人住院的年头所隔离，在废墟中倒塌."
