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Throughout all of this, what I would ultimately realize
经过这一切，我才恍然大悟
was that each voice was closely related to aspects of myself,
每一个我听到的声音都跟自己密切相关
and that each of them carried overwhelming emotions that I'd never had an opportunity to process or resolve,
而且都带着丰沛的情绪，只是我以前没机会处理那些记忆
memories of sexual trauma and abuse, of anger, shame, guilt, low self-worth.
像是性创伤、性虐待、愤怒、惭愧、罪恶感和妄自菲薄
The voices took the place of this pain and gave words to it,
那些声音取代了伤痛，并把痛苦说出来
and possibly one of the greatest revelations
不过最重要的启示也许是
was when I realized that the most hostile and aggressive voices
当我明白那些最具敌意和侵略性的声音
actually represented the parts of me that had been hurt most profoundly,
其实就代表我受伤最深的那部分
and as such, it was these voices that needed to be shown the greatest compassion and care.
因此，正是这些声音需要最多关爱和同情
It was armed with this knowledge that ultimately
正是这样的领悟让我最后
I would gather together my shattered self,
愿意把那些声音构成的片段拼凑起来
each fragment represented by a different voice, gradually withdraw from all my medication,
找回完整的自我并逐渐摆脱对药物的依赖
and return to psychiatry, only this time from the other side.
我又回到精神科，不过这次是研究
Ten years after the voice first came, I finally graduated,
第一次听到声音已是10年前的事了
this time with the highest degree in psychology the university had ever given,
而这次我终于取得心理学最高学位!是我母校在该领域颁发过的最高学历
and one year later, the highest masters, which shall we say isn't bad for a madwoman.
对一个疯女人来说能取得硕士学历也不差!
In fact, one of the voices actually dictated the answers during the exam,
老实说，考试的时候我还听到报答案的声音
which technically possibly counts as cheating.
这应该算作弊吧!
And to be honest, sometimes I quite enjoyed their attention as well.
坦白讲，我有时还挺享受这种被“关照”的感觉
As Oscar Wilde has said, the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.
就像王尔德说的，唯一比被人议论更糟糕的事就是你这人根本不值一提.
It also makes you very good at eavesdropping,
这经验让我非常善于偷听人讲话
because you can listen to two conversations simultaneously.
因为我可同时听懂两边的对话
So it's not all bad.
算起来也没那么糟!
I worked in mental health services, I spoke at conferences,
我在心理健康部门工作过，也在多场研讨会上发表过演讲
I published book chapters and academic articles, and I argued, and continue to do so,
还出版过专文与书籍专章，到目前我还在争论
the relevance of the following concept:
接下来这个观念的关联性
that an important question in psychiatry shouldn't be what's wrong with you
精神病诊断上，关键问题不应该是：你哪里不对劲?
but rather what's happened to you.
而是发生甚么事了?
And all the while, I listened to my voices,
这段时间我倾听那些
with whom I'd finally learned to live with peace and respect
好不容易得以泰然处之的声音
and which in turn reflected a growing sense of compassion, acceptance and respect towards myself.
而这也反映出我越来越能同情、接纳和尊重自己
And I remember the most moving and extraordinary moment
记得最令我感动的特别时刻是
when supporting another young woman who was terrorized by her voices,
帮助另一个被自己内心声音吓坏的年轻女性
and becoming fully aware, for the very first time, that I no longer felt that way myself
那是我首次意识到，我看待自己的方式改变了
but was finally able to help someone else who was.
而且还有能力帮别人突破
