A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such successful kids. They are baffled that these parents produce so many children with an abundance of talent and whether they too could raise such a child.

The fact is that Chinese parents do things that seem provocative, unimaginable, even illegal, to opinionated Westerners. Chinese mothers can dispense with formal courtesies and say to an obese child who gorges on food, "Hey fatty, lose some weight." By contrast, Western parents must be humane, tiptoe around the issue, talk in terms of "health", and never ever mention the f-word. And still their kids end up in therapy for eating disorders and a negative self-image. I've thought long and hard about how Chinese parents can get away with what they do, and I think there are three ideological differences between Chinese and Western parents.

First, I've noticed Western parents cradle their children's self-esteem to insulate them from criticism. They worry about how their children will feel if they fail, and constantly try to solve their children's worries, regardless of how badly they perform. The presumption is that the child is tender, not strong, and as a result Western parents behave very differently than Chinese parents.

For example, if a child comes home with an A-minus on a test, a Western parent will most likely praise the child. For a Chinese mother an A-minus is no milestone; she will gasp in displeasure and ask what went wrong. If the child comes home with a B, some Western parents, though hesitant, will still praise the child. Other Western parents will express disapproval, but they won't question the child's intellect or risk insecurities a Chinese mother in the West calling the child "stupid", "worthless" or "gross". Privately, Western parents may worry about their child, but they will never tell the child.