原文：

Personal Statement

By XXX

Just a week ago,in her speech delivered to the faculty and students at Peking University, USFirst Lady Michelle Obama underscored the importance of global education andsupported studying abroad for “bridges of understanding”, which isinspirational and impressive to me. I aspire to reach out to the world, beexposed to ideas and innovations and, much more than improving my own future,take up responsibility for my family, my city, even my country. And I firmlybelieve that Columbia University is the enormous stage on which I can soarfreely and eventually fulfill my dream.

I was born in aworking-class family. My mother was a kindergarten teacher and my father workedfor a company that was reluctantly operating. In order to provide me withbetter conditions, my mother taught herself accounting and got a certificateand my father left the company and started his own business. They both workedand sacrificed so that I could get a chance to be guaranteed to ShanghaiInternational Studies University. I know exactly how significant my certificationis to them and I also know the vital importance of working hard. My parentsdidn't get a chance to attend college. Through me, they are realizing the dreamthey had that never materialized. I will keep struggling, making efforts andachieving more, to love them, support them and make them proud.

The idea ofstudying abroad first occurred to me when I was still in elementary school. Alovely foreign teacher named Bob came to teach us English. His sharing partshave always been the motive for me to have real experience with the world beyond theborders. Since then I formeda habit of cherishing every chance to talk with foreign guests and share ourexperience and make good friends. Cathy Ball in junior high, Mr. Goodrich insenior high, and David Björnhagein university, we still keep in touchvia email. Later on, the ambition strengthened after my uncle's family moved toMiami, and when my cousin and I chat on the Internet, her amazing experience inAmerica attracts me with irresistible charm. I set up my mind to get touniversity to study business management and in the near future, search furthereducation abroad and evolve into better self.

There are a fewwords that come to mind when I think about the past two years of campus life:challenging, rewarding, transformative—they roll off the tip of my tongue in aninstant. Life on campus has so many lessons to teach me. And sometimes lessonscome dressed up as detours or roadblocks and sometimes as full-blown crisis. Businessmanagement appeared as not what I have imagined and, at first, it made meoverwhelmed and frustrated. I felt like that my endeavor would not have beenworthwhile. Gradually I examined my efforts and sacrifices, consultedprofessors and scholars, and I spent more time and energy on my major coursesthan ever before. And the secret I have learned to getting ahead is being opento the lessons. I really enjoy the feeling that when you resolve to conquer ahuge problem and you finally made it. Time and again, I found myself gainingthis kind of gratification from overcoming difficulties and moving on fromsetbacks and adversities. Because as B. B. King put it, “The beautiful thingabout learning is that no one can take that away from you.” Among the diversesubjects, I love learning economics, for the simple reason that it has so muchto do about our daily life. I found the charts and graphs so interesting that Ican stare at it for long and imprint on my mind. At weekends, I attended economicsclasses in Fudan University as an auditor, from which I have gained a lot moreknowledge about stock market and current economic situation. I also lovelearning languages. One who can speak many languages is so admirable andcharming to me. That's why I signed up for minor course on German. I have beenlearning German for a year now, I may not be a master yet and I know I stillhave a long way to go, but I am determined to work on German literature, speakfluent German language and use it as a second foreign language.

Apart fromschoolwork, I am also a versatile. Why would I say so? From the first day ofcollege, I have taken part in different kinds of activities to broaden myhorizon, get to know more elites and enrich my personal experience. As the Chinesesaying goes: “It's better to travel ten thousand miles than to read tenthousand books.” By developing the habit of cooperation, I immersed myself inone another's culture and learned each other's stories. One person cannot getmuch done, a lot of person can get a lot done, that's what I always believe. Andto quote Sir Isaac Newton, if I have seen further it is only by standing on theshoulders of Giants. By creating opportunities for other people, they carriedme on my shoulders from victory to victory.

Two years of servicein Students' Union, one year in the Arts Department and another in Sports, haveoffered me a great platform to train my comprehensive ability. It taught to bepatient and respectful, dedicative and innovative. One thing that impressed methe most is that last year's school gala, which is hosted by our Artsdepartment, happened to be on the same day as commencement ceremony of Class2013. I was part of both these two big events, which meant I would beunimaginably busy since these two activities almost have the same schedule and Iwas not supposed to quit either of them. I worked together with my senior onthe commencement, making sure I have done everything as planned, and meanwhilescanning the flow of activities of the gala, making every effort to familiarizewith the process. Time is limited and efficiency is vital. Thanks to that thesites of the two events are not far from each other and my running speed iscompetitive enough and, most significantly, our team is powerful and united,both the gala and ceremony were flawlessly operated and we had a great fun.

I am a boy whowants to be outgoing and outstanding, who cares less about losing face, whodares to sing, to dance, and to present in public. My friends say I am sociable,more suitable for public relations. I agree to some extent. Three times hostingexperience, two times dancing, two times singing, and several timespresentation, that does not mean I would muddle through all these dauntingwork. Instead, I would collect and accumulate abundant and sufficient relatedmaterials and papers, add my own thoughts and comments, put it into a completewhole article, and finally keep them in mind. At the beginning of thissemester, I was invited to MBA Alumni Sharing Session to present my hometown corporationTsingtao Brewery, my performance is highly appreciated by Vice President of theStudents' Union for I behaved generously on the stage and alertly raisingquestions off stage. I enjoy the feeling of standing on the stage in front ofmany people, showing the best of myself. I also focus on being attentive andcontributive in class and lectures. Sing and dancing make me bold and active,or to say, develop in an all-around way. It helpfully builds bridges and establishesconnections between people who don't know each other and people from differentracial backgrounds. I will keep presenting, singing and dancing, to bring theChinese style to people I meet, because I believe that diversity makes usvibrant and strong.

I am now applyingfor CYDP admission to Columbia University and financial aid. I believe thatonce I am lucky enough to get the privilege to attend this prestigious academicinstitution, I would try my best to learn from professors and students alike, dedicateto the class and show the best of our delegation and myself. I believe Columbiawould prove to be a land of wonders to us. Woodrow Wilson once wrote, aspresident, the future is clear and bright with the promise of the best things. Weshall advance with a new spirit. And I know I will.

Sincerely yours.

批改后：

Personal Statement

By XXX

Just a week ago,in her speech delivered to the faculty and students at Peking University, USFirst Lady Michelle Obama underscored the importance of global education andsupported studying abroad for “bridges of understanding”, which isinspirational and impressive to me. I aspire to reach out to the world, beexposed to ideas and innovations and, much more than improving my own future,take up responsibility for my family, my city, even my country. And I firmlybelieve that Columbia University is the enormous stage on which I can soarfreely and eventually fulfill my dream. (什么专业最好也要写清楚)

I was born in aworking-class family. My mother was a kindergarten teacher and my father workedfor a company that was reluctantly operating. In order to provide me withbetter conditions, my mother taught herself accounting and got a certificateand my father left the company and started his own business. They both workedand sacrificed so that I could get a chance to be guaranteed to ShanghaiInternational Studies University. I know exactly how significant my certificationis to them and I also know the vital importance of working hard. My parentsdidn't get a chance to attend college. Through me, they are realizing the dreamthey had that never materialized. I will keep struggling, making efforts andachieving more, to love them, support them and make them proud.

The idea ofstudying abroad first occurred to me when I was still in elementary school. Alovely foreign teacher named Bob came to teach us English. His sharing partshave always been the motive for me to have real experience with the world beyond theborders. Since then I formeda habit of cherishing every chance to talk with foreign guests and share ourexperience and make good friends. Cathy Ball in junior high, Mr. Goodrich insenior high, and David Björnhagein university, we still keep in touchvia email. Later on, the ambition strengthened after my uncle's family moved toMiami, and when my cousin and I chat on the Internet, her amazing experience inAmerica attracts me with irresistible charm. I set up my mind to get touniversity to study business management and in the near future, search furthereducation abroad and evolve into better self.(如果这段是写你出国读书的MOTIVATION，太长了，缩减!!而且不要光从生活文化的角度，也要从自己的人生规划方面来入手讲，顺便加点你的FUTURE计划)

There are a fewwords that come to mind when I think about the past two years of campus life:challenging, rewarding, transformative—they roll off the tip of my tongue in aninstant. Life on campus has so many lessons to teach me. And sometimes lessonscome dressed up as detours or roadblocks and sometimes as full-blown crisis. Businessmanagement appeared as not what I have imagined and, at first, it made meoverwhelmed and frustrated.(负面的东西不用写那么多，如果是BM专业，你这个地方的重点就是多写点你在这方面取得的成就---成绩课业方面的，实践方面的，个人理解见解等等) I felt like that my endeavor would not have beenworthwhile. Gradually I examined my efforts and sacrifices, consultedprofessors and scholars, and I spent more time and energy on my major coursesthan ever before. And the secret I have learned to getting ahead is being opento the lessons. I really enjoy the feeling that when you resolve to conquer ahuge problem and you finally made it. Time and again, I found myself gainingthis kind of gratification from overcoming difficulties and moving on fromsetbacks and adversities.(一样的，说这么多全是空话~加点具体的东西咧~) Because as B. B. King put it, “The beautiful thingabout learning is that no one can take that away from you.”(这种引用的句子，在正文里就算了吧，不用出现) Among the diversesubjects, I love learning economics, for the simple reason that it has so muchto do about our daily life. I found the charts and graphs so interesting that Ican stare at it for long and imprint on my mind. At weekends, I attended economicsclasses in Fudan University as an auditor, from which I have gained a lot moreknowledge about stock market and current economic situation. I also lovelearning languages. One who can speak many languages is so admirable andcharming to me. That's why I signed up for minor course on German. I have beenlearning German for a year now, I may not be a master yet and I know I stillhave a long way to go, but I am determined to work on German literature, speakfluent German language and use it as a second foreign language.(这一段这一段!!才是这一部分真正最有用的!扩大这部分的篇幅吧~前面那些空话就让他浮云吧)

Apart fromschoolwork, I am also a versatile. Why would I say so?(自问自答不适合申请文。) From the first day ofcollege, I have taken part in different kinds of activities to broaden myhorizon, get to know more elites and enrich my personal experience. As the Chinesesaying goes: “It's better to travel ten thousand miles than to read tenthousand books.” By developing the habit of cooperation, I immersed myself inone another's culture and learned each other's stories. One person cannot getmuch done, a lot of person can get a lot done, that's what I always believe. Andto quote Sir Isaac Newton, if I have seen further it is only by standing on theshoulders of Giants. By creating opportunities for other people, they carriedme on my shoulders from victory to victory.(例子例子!!你用再多华丽的辞藻和高大上的引用或者foreign language让人会很没耐心，早点进入主题，举例子~)

Two years of servicein Students' Union, one year in the Arts Department and another in Sports, haveoffered me a great platform to train my comprehensive ability. It taught to bepatient and respectful, dedicative and innovative. One thing that impressed methe most is that last year's school gala, which is hosted by our Artsdepartment, happened to be on the same day as commencement ceremony of Class2013. I was part of both these two big events, which meant I would beunimaginably busy since these two activities almost have the same schedule and Iwas not supposed to quit either of them. I worked together with my senior onthe commencement, making sure I have done everything as planned, and meanwhilescanning the flow of activities of the gala, making every effort to familiarizewith the process. Time is limited and efficiency is vital. Thanks to that thesites of the two events are not far from each other and my running speed iscompetitive enough and, most significantly, our team is powerful and united,both the gala and ceremony were flawlessly operated and we had a great fun.(亲，告诉我这个例子你想突出什么亮点?意义有点不明~~是可以完美平衡学习和课外活动，还是你的领导力，还是你的亲和力还是你的执行力?)

I am a boy whowants to be outgoing and outstanding, who cares less about losing face, whodares to sing, to dance, and to present in public. My friends say I am sociable,more suitable for public relations. I agree to some extent. Three times hostingexperience, two times dancing, two times singing, and several timespresentation, that does not mean I would muddle through all these dauntingwork. Instead, I would collect and accumulate abundant and sufficient relatedmaterials and papers, add my own thoughts and comments, put it into a completewhole article, and finally keep them in mind. At the beginning of thissemester, I was invited to MBA Alumni Sharing Session to present my hometown corporationTsingtao Brewery, my performance is highly appreciated by Vice President of theStudents' Union for I behaved generously on the stage and alertly raisingquestions off stage.(这一点，其实可以写的高大上一点，来突出你在BM专业上面的理解和素养，而不是就这样放在最后打酱油) I enjoy the feeling of standing on the stage in front ofmany people, showing the best of myself. I also focus on being attentive andcontributive in class and lectures. Sing and dancing make me bold and active,or to say, develop in an all-around way. It helpfully builds bridges and establishesconnections between people who don't know each other and people from differentracial backgrounds. I will keep presenting, singing and dancing, to bring theChinese style to people I meet, because I believe that diversity makes usvibrant and strong. (空话少点。)

I am now applyingfor CYDP admission to Columbia University and financial aid. I believe thatonce I am lucky enough to get the privilege to attend this prestigious academicinstitution, I would try my best to learn from professors and students alike, dedicateto the class and show the best of our delegation and myself. I believe Columbiawould prove to be a land of wonders to us. Woodrow Wilson once wrote, aspresident, the future is clear and bright with the promise of the best things. Weshall advance with a new spirit. And I know I will.

Sincerely yours.(这一段结尾也不要马虎，如果是要拍马屁，请更加具体点，学校到底好在哪里，什么地方是最吸引你，你什么特质是最能让自己适应哥大的。。)

TPO小站综合点评及批改意见：

这篇文章行文流畅，英语功底不错。但申请哥伦比亚大学的PS的学生中，从来就不缺多才多艺的学生，所以，写申请时注意体现自己的专业水平、思想深度、人生经历。建议改动下。