Topic（题目）：

Do you agree or disagree? Telephone has had greater effects on people’s lives than television.

Target text（文章正文）:

Although television is relatively rent invention and it becomes more and more prevalent in our life, I still believe that telephone influences our daily life in a more profound way than television. Among countless reasons which can support my situation are following noes.

First and foremost, telephone can reach far more places than television. In modern times, almost every family has telephone, even in remote villages. Telephone has became a basic device for people. But not every family has television, in some poor villages, television is luxury. For instance, in Gansu province of China, there are many people is struggling below the poverty line. In there, even several villages share one television. In fact, in many remote places, compared with television, telephone can reach far more places and make people who lives in remote villages to keep in touch with other people.

Second, telephone is a necessary communication tool among people and it is more useful than television. By using telephone, people can exchange feelings and ideas freely. In many places, such as offices and families, telephone is requisite. In contrast, television is a way to entertain and watching TV is largely passive. In addition, cell phone will continue revolutionize people’s life. With the development of advanced technology, cell phone has had more functions, sometimes it can supercede television. For example, many young people prefer watching TV shows or movies in cell phone, since it is more convenient and there is no limitation of location. So telephone has greater influence on people’s life as communication tool and recreational device.

Taking into account all these factors, I may reach the conclusion that telephone has greater effects on our daily life than television, because of its far-reaching, practicality of communication and capacity of entertainment.

Revised essay（批改后）：

Although television is relatively rent invention[这是什么意思] and it becomes more and more prevalent in our life, I still believe that telephone influences our daily life in a more profound way than television. Among countless reasons which can support my situation are following noes.[ones]

First and foremost, telephone can reach far more places than television. In modern times, almost every family has[a]telephone, even in remote villages. Telephone has became[become] a basic device for people. But not every family has[可数名词要表现他的单复数]television, in some poor villages, television is[a] luxury. For instance, in Gansu province of China, there are many people [who are]is struggling below the poverty line. In there, even several villages share one television. In fact, in many remote places, compared with television, telephone can reach far more places and make people who lives[live] in remote villages to keep in touch with other people.

Second, telephone is a necessary communication tool among people and it is more useful than television. By using telephone, people can exchange feelings and ideas freely. In many places, such as offices and families, telephone is[a]requisite. In contrast, television is a way to entertain and watching TV is largely passive. In addition, cell phone will continue revolutionize people’s life. With the development of advanced technology, cell phone has had more functions, sometimes it can supercede [拼写错误]television. For example, many young people prefer watching TV shows or movies in cell phone, since it is more convenient and there is no limitation of location. So telephone has greater influence on people’s life as communication tool and recreational device.

Taking into account all these factors, I may reach the conclusion that telephone has greater effects on our daily life than television, because of its far-reaching, practicality of communication and capacity of entertainment.

预估分数：21

学习建议：

1、尝试用反面观点来进行论证。

2、写文章前先制定写作大纲。

3、写作是需要注意使用的论证方式，写好之后要回看修改。

4、注意论据和论点之间的关系要紧密。

5、论证方式要多样化。

6、注意论据要多用细节。看是否有更多的论据来支撑观点。