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Ever since I was a child, I have known my destiny. Not in the subtle ways that some believers in fate know, but in the very unsubtle way that many Hindus know.
从小时候起，我就知道自己的命运。不是像一些相信命运的人那样隐隐地知道，而是像很多印度教徒那样清楚地知道。
I have what we call a janmakshar, a premium personalized horoscope. Based on the positions of the stars at the exact time and location of my birth, my janmakshar provides a map of my life that Indian astrologers can use to predict — for a fee, of course — everything, including my temperament (“She will be sharp-tongued and stubborn”) and my career (“She will have great success and be well respected in government”).
我有一份优质的个性化星象图。基于某一时刻的群星位置和我的出生地点，它提供了一种人生图谱，印度占星家根据图谱预测一切，包括我的性情（“她将言语刻薄而顽固”）和事业（“她将获得巨大成功，在政府里深受尊敬”）——当然，这些是要收费的。
Some astrologers are naturally gifted, while others rely on software programs to do their divining. I have read that India may be home to more astrologers than the rest of the world combined because so many people there seek astrological advice on questions large and small: When is an auspicious time of day for the wedding? Should I take this job? Will I win the case?
有些占星家很有天赋，而另一些则依靠软件程序来占卜。我读过一篇报道说，印度的占星家比世界其他地方所有的占星家都多，因为很多印度人无论大事小事都想听听占星家的建议：哪天是结婚吉日？我应该接受这份工作吗？我会打赢这场官司吗？
When my parents came to America, they brought their astrological beliefs with them. Over the years, they would return from their annual trips to India with updated readings in Gujarati or Hindi about my siblings and me from astrologers boasting famous clientele.
我的父母来到美国时，把对占星的信仰也一并带来了。这些年，他们每年去印度度假都会带回关于我们几个孩子的最新预言，那些预言是用古吉拉特语或印度语写的，他们找的占星师据说都为著名客户服务过。
After rifling through my parents’ bags for new clothes and junk from the bazaar, we children would gather around the kitchen table as my mother put on her glasses to translate our fates.
我们几个孩子从父母的旅行袋中翻出新衣服以及从巴扎集市上买来的杂货之后，就聚集在餐桌旁，等妈妈戴上眼镜，翻译我们的命运预言。
She would sometimes pause and skip entire paragraphs, at which point we would try to guess the bad news from which she was shielding us. She claimed that she did not want the predictions to unduly influence our decisions.
有时，她会停下来，跳过好几段，我们就会努力猜测她隐瞒了什么坏消息。她说那是因为她不想让预测过分影响我们的决定。
Over the years, several of those predictions did seem to come true. My brother did get sick enough at 25 to require a kidney transplant. My sister did marry at 30.
这么多年，有些预言似乎真的应验了。我的哥哥（或弟弟）的确在25岁时病得很重，换了肾。我姐姐的确是在30岁时结婚了。
And though I had been painfully shy as a teenager, I did grow into a sharp-tongued lawyer well respected in government. I’m not sure we thought too much of those predictions when we were living them. If we did, we chalked them up to coincidence.
虽然我十几岁时非常害羞，但后来我真的成为在政府里很受尊敬的言语刻薄的律师。我觉得我们在生活中并没有过多考虑那些预言。我们想到那些预言时，也只会认为那是巧合。
Being Indian by way of New Jersey, I often railed against this determinism, pointing to the variations among the readings as evidence of their falsity, even if a few did come true.
作为住在新泽西州的印度人，我经常嘲笑这种宿命论，指出这些预言一直在变就证明它们是假的，虽然有些的确应验了。
The lawyer in me prized rationality and logic, and the idea that outcomes were predetermined ran contrary to all my work, education and ambition. I found my parents’ belief in fate unnerving and un-American.
作为律师，我重视理性和逻辑。一切都已注定的观念与我的工作、教育和抱负背道而驰。父母信命这件事曾经让我苦恼，让我觉得他们很不像美国人。
My father would say: “Ami, it’s not that your fate changes with each reading. That is fixed. It’s just that some astrologers are better at telling your story than others.”
对此，老爸的解释是：“艾米(Ami)，每次的预言不同，不是说你的命运在变。命运是不变的。只是因为有些占星师比其他占星师更擅长预测你的命运。”
One of the many stories that my parents — and eventually I, too — wanted to change with each telling was that of my marriage.
我的父母——最终还有我自己——希望新预言中会改变的一项就是我的婚姻。
When I was 27, my fiancé broke off our engagement after two years of us trying to buoy our relationship, which sank not so much from a lack of love but from a comedy of errors involving suspicions of “black magic” by members of our feuding families that led to distrust between my fiancé and me, ultimately unraveling our plans and dreams.
我27岁时，在我和未婚夫努力维持关系两年之后，他最终取消了婚约。这段关系的结束不是因为我们不爱对方，而是因为两家人合不来，经常做出令人啼笑皆非的错事，简直让人怀疑存在“黑魔法”，导致我和未婚夫互相不信任，最终毁掉了我们的计划和梦想。
As I lay catatonic on my parents’ couch in the aftermath, my mother, heartbroken, tried to comfort me. As she stroked my hair, she told me there always had been a prediction that I would have a “broken relationship” at this age.
婚约解除后，我精神恍惚地躺在父母家的长沙发上，心碎的母亲努力安慰我。她一边抚摸我的头发，一边说，一直有预言说，我会在这个年纪“分手”。
She had wanted to tell me earlier, when things weren’t going well, that it may be better to break it off, but that was one of the many times she had hoped the astrologers were wrong.
之前我和未婚夫关系不好时，她就曾想告诉我，也许分手会更好，但是她又一直希望这是占星师弄错了。
She reassured me that none of this was anyone’s fault: not mine, my fiancé’s, his family’s or ours. It was simply our fate, which had been written long before he and I met.
她向我保证，这不是谁的错：不是我的错，不是我未婚夫的错，也不是他家人或我家人的错。这只是我和他的命运，在我们相遇之前很久就已经有人预言过了。
I couldn’t make sense of the fact that despite how much we loved each other and how well we got along, we had not ended up together. I had grown tired of replaying every wrong move and angry word. I couldn’t silence my inner voice, which kept nagging, “If only … ” and “Maybe if you hadn’t. …”
我想不通，为什么我们这么相爱，这么合得来，最后还是没能在一起。我受够了回想自己做过的每一件错事，说过的每一句气话。我无法平息内心的声音，它一直在念叨：“要是……就好了”，“要是我们没有……也许……”。
Instead, I tried to relax into the great comfort that none of our behavior had mattered. I told myself I had been trapped in a choose-your-own-adventure book in which all paths led to the same sad ending.
我努力让自己获得解脱，相信我们做的一切都无关紧要。我告诉自己我陷入了一个迷宫，不管我选哪条路，最终都是悲剧。
And in this way, I finally managed to peel myself from the couch and return to my life in New York, where I had to study for the bar exam.
用这种方法，我最终把自己从沙发上拉起来，返回纽约，继续准备律师资格考试。
A few weeks later, I was back in New Jersey for lunch with my parents, where they presented me with an envelope and a small plastic bag containing a pendant with a translucent blue-tinged, tear-shaped stone.
几周后，我返回新泽西州和父母共进午餐，他们交给我一个信封和一个小塑料袋，里面装着一个泪珠状淡蓝色透明宝石吊坠。
“It’s a moonstone,” my father said.
爸爸说：“那是月长石。”
“It’s expensive and rare,” my mother chimed in.
妈妈插话说：“它很珍贵。”
I glanced at the envelope. In red typeface on the upper left corner were the words: “Matri Vision, specializing in matrimonial counseling and rituals.” It was addressed (with my name misspelled) to “Ms. Amita Patel USA.”
我瞟了一眼信封。左上角用红字写着：“马特里预言中心(Matri Vision)，擅长婚姻咨询和仪式。”收信人写的是（他们把我的名字拼错了）：“美国艾米塔·帕特尔(Amita Patel)”。
My heart sank as I remembered ads from some other matrimonial counseling outfit that had appeared constantly on Indian satellite television: “Love life not working out? Health problems? Everything going wrong? You may be under black magic. Contact us and all your problems will be solved.”
我想起经常出现在印度卫星电视上其他那些婚姻咨询机构的广告，心就沉了下去：“爱情生活不顺利？有健康问题？一切都不对劲？你可能正被黑魔法控制。跟我们联系，你所有的问题都会得到解决。”
I had always pitied the desperate fools targeted by those ads. Now it seemed the desperate fool was me.
以前我一直很怜悯那些广告所针对的绝望的傻瓜。现在，我似乎就是那个绝望的傻瓜。
My parents explained that the astrologer had predicted a bright marital future for me once an obstacle was removed.
我的父母说，那位占星师预言，只要清除一个障碍，我就会拥有光明的婚姻前景。
Apparently, the position of two Vedic planets in my chart — Rahu and Ketu — was troubling, and my parents should have done a prayer ritual to rid me of the effects when I was born. Instead, they had let these two mischief-making planets have their way with me.
显然，我星象图中的两颗吠陀星（Rahu和Ketu）的位置有问题，父母应该在我出生时举行祈祷仪式，消除它们的影响。可他们却任由这两个捣乱的星球困扰我。
The absurdity of the whole thing made me laugh, but I was eager to read the instructions and glad they were in English so my parents would not be able to skip the bad parts.
整件事的荒谬令我发笑，但是我很想看看里面的指导，我很高兴它是用英文写的，这样父母就不能跳过不好的部分。
I was to light incense and meditate on Lord Chandra, the god of the moon. I was to wash my moonstone in milk and the waters of the Ganges (luckily my parents always have some in the refrigerator) while repeating the Chandra Mantra 108 times. I was to wear the moonstone for 90 days while trying to be “active, cool and health conscious.”
我需要焚香，冥想月神。我需要用牛奶和恒河水清洗月长石（幸好我父母的冰箱里总是存放着一些恒河水），同时念诵月神咒语108次。我需要佩戴月长石90天，同时努力保持“积极冷静，并注意健康”。
Meanwhile, back in India, Matri Vision’s Brahmins would do a separate moonstone prayer ritual for me, and I would need to fast until 4 p.m. on the day they performed it, which would take place in 60 days.
与此同时，60天后，马特里预言中心的婆罗门也将在印度为我举行单独的长月石祈祷仪式。祈祷当天，我要禁食至下午4点。
What did I have to lose? I wore my moonstone religiously and hoped Rahu and Ketu would stop messing with me.
我又没有什么损失。所以，我虔诚地佩戴长月石，希望Rahu和Ketu不要再困扰我。
After taking the bar exam, I headed off on a seven-week adventure to Southeast Asia. I was in Laos on that 60th day of the moonstone prayer ritual, which I had completely forgotten about.
律师资格考试之后，我前往东南亚进行为期7天的探险。长月石祈祷仪式举行那天，我在老挝，完全忘了这事。
But as fate would have it, I had given morning alms to the monks in Luang Prabang, and the ritual made me want to fast, just as I sometimes did at home when my mother asked me to do so for religious reasons, so I had.
但是机缘巧合，那天我在琅勃拉邦(Luang Prabang)向僧人们进行清晨布施，那个仪式让我想斋戒，就像有时在家里，为了一些仪式，妈妈让我斋戒那样，所以那天我也碰巧禁食了。
After 90 days, my life had improved drastically. I no longer awoke feeling frustrated and angry. My Hindi movie melodrama had stopped replaying itself in my dreams.
90天后，我的生活好了很多。清晨醒来，我不再觉得沮丧而愤怒。印度电影中的闹剧不再在我梦里反复上演。
I still wasn’t sure I would love again, but it didn’t matter as much because I now believed there was nothing more I could have done to save that relationship.
我仍不确定我是否会再次恋爱，不过这变得不重要了，因为我开始相信，本来我也不可能再做什么去挽回那段恋情了。
My father called and said that he had spoken with the counselor from Matri Vision and that a final step remained, which I could complete the next time I visited.
爸爸打电话来说，他跟马特里预言中心的顾问谈过了，只差最后一步了，我下次回家时可以完成。
When I went to New Jersey that weekend, my parents handed me a basket shrouded in black cloth. In order to move on from my broken engagement, I would need to place the basket in the branches of a leafless tree and not look back.
那个周末，我回到新泽西州，父母交给我一个用黑布遮住的篮子。为了从取消的婚约中走出来，我需要把篮子放到一棵没有叶子的树的枝杈上，并且不要回头看。
On my way out to the yard, I peeked inside the basket and saw two bangles, a cheap necklace, earrings, a tin of kohl and a handkerchief. I reached up, placed it securely between two branches and walked away. I was tempted to look back but had come far enough that I was not going to spoil it in the homestretch.
在去那个院子的路上，我偷偷往篮子里瞄了一眼，看见两只手镯、一条廉价的项链、一对耳环、一盒眼影粉和一块手帕。我踮起脚尖，把它稳稳地放在两个枝杈之间，转身走开。我很想回头看，但是我已经走了这么远，不想在最后一步功亏一篑。
Soon after, just as predicted by Matri Vision, I met my next marital “opportunity,” an Orthodox Jewish man three years younger, as improbable a match for me as my fiancé had been probable. But now I was more open to improbable, because, you know — fate.
不久之后，就像马特里预言中心预测的那样，我遇到了我的下一个婚姻“机会”，一个比我小三岁的正统犹太人，他很不像我的婚配对象，就像我曾经的未婚夫很像我的婚配伴侣一样。不过现在，我不再认为有什么事情是完全不可能的，因为你知道，这都是命。
And as I slid into love with him against all of my better judgment, I felt liberated, not constrained, by the fact that our story, too, had already been written.
完全出乎我的理性判断，我慢慢爱上了他。我们的故事也已经被写好了——这个事实让我觉得自由，而不是感到受束缚。
But I kept wearing my moonstone just in case.
不过，为了以防万一，我一直戴着月长石。
