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Mom sat in a brown leather recliner, Carnie in his white lacquered cage a foot away from her-almost always within sight. She was losing weight and I worried she wasn't eating well. I brought cartons of cottage cheese and chicken salad, only to find them spoiled the following month.
妈妈坐在一个棕色皮斜躺椅上。卡尼就在离她一步不到的白漆笼子里，基本就在她眼皮底下。她越来越瘦了，我担心她不好好吃饭。我买了奶酪和鸡肉沙拉，但妈妈根本不吃，最后都坏了。
Are you trying to sell my house? She said. Are you giving realtors my number? They're' calling with offers.
你要卖我房子？你给房屋经纪人我的电话了？已经有人来报价了。她说。
There's a shopping center going in next door, I said. This may be your chance to sell.
旁边正在建一个购物中心。也许房子更好卖了。
I placed Ike in her arms.
我把艾克放在她怀里。
It's not hard to lose the baby weight, Mom said, eyeing my waistline, if you try.
其实减掉怀孕时增加的体重不难，看看我的腰围，你也能，妈妈说。
I was determined not to fight back. There was heat between us, long-standing arguments we could still feel burning. Shouldn't we sell Dad's tools? Should she go to the eye doctor? Who would care for hergoddamned bird? Didn't know how hard they'd worked to give me the right opportunities? Our disagreements were so sharp, sointense that we'd become afraid to engage with each other, and when we stopped fighting, we lost something.
我决定不还嘴。我们俩总是不停地吵架。我们是不是该卖掉爸爸的工具？她是不是该去看看眼科医生？谁来照顾这只该死的鸟？难道我不知道抓住正确的机会？我们俩的分歧太多了，以至于我俩都不敢和对方待在一起。每次我们吵完了，都感觉失去了点什么。
You're like your father now, she said. You never get mad, even when you wat to.
你现在越来越像你爸爸了。虽然特别生气，你也从来不轻易发火，她说。
It was true-Dad was hard to anger even when I'd wasted $15,000 of his hard-earned money my freshman year of college at a private school they couldn't afford. The night I came home for the summer, he'd sat with his hands in his lap and a look on his face that was more sad than disappointed. Mom stood behind him, silent and threatenin. I knew later she'd berate him for taking it easy on me, and I hated her for it.
爸爸确实不爱生气。即使我在他们根本负担不起的私立大学里上学，并且第一年就花光了爸爸辛辛苦苦挣的15000美元。那年暑假我回家，看见爸爸坐在那，手放在腿上，他的脸上不是失望，更多的是伤心。妈妈在他身后，什么也没说，一脸凝重。我知道她抱怨爸爸太不严格管教我，因为这个，我恨她。
I guess you'll need to get a job, he said.
我想你得去找个工作了，他说。
Dad, I said. I made a lot of mistakes this year—
爸，我知道我这一年犯了好多错误。
I wanted to give you good chance, he said, looking down at his fingers.
我想给你一个好机会，他说，低头看着他的手指。
I remember feeling relieved that he' yelling at me. Now I wish he had.
我当时还很庆幸他没冲我喊。但是现在我希望他把不开心都说出来。
I'd do it again, he said. But you understand, there just isn't enough money.
我想供你读大学，但是你得明白，我们没有那么多钱，他说。
I tortured myself imagining each of his hours. He worked at the same plant for twenty-six years making industrial-quality tools-hammers, chisels, clamps. Every day he ate a cold lunch on bench caked with pigeon shit. I could almost hear the echoes of men moving and talking, their spoken lives bouncing from the plant rafters as their hands worked. The black hole of his effort, the way it would never be enough, or easy-is hung over me, a debt I couldn't pay.
我一想到爸爸每天的生活就感觉是种折磨。26年来他一直在一个车间里做工具，锤子、凿子、钳子。每天中午在一个都是鸽子屎的凳子上吃凉饭。我甚至能听见工人走动和聊天的声音。他们一边谈着有的没的话题，一边工作。可是无论他怎么努力都养不起每天宿醉的我。我欠爸爸的永远也还不清。
Mom ran her fingers over Ike's cowlick I emptied the trash can in the kitchen, then the living room.
妈妈弄着艾克的头发，我把卧室和厨房的垃圾桶倒了。
