评论
打印
My mom didn't understand why it was so awful that "that cute little girl" had held my hand. She thought I should make friends with her.
我妈妈并不理解为什么“那个可爱的小女孩”拉了我的手很糟糕。她认为我们应该成为朋友。
"I thought you liked soccer, honey. Why don't you go out there and kick the ball around?"
“我以为你喜欢足球，亲爱的。为什么不去那儿和她一起踢球呢？”
Because I didn't want to be kicked around, that's why.
因为我并不想被粗暴地对待，这是原因。
And although I couldn't say it like that at the time, I still had enough sense at age seven and a half to know that Juli Baker was dangerous.
虽然当时我还不能说这些话，但是我七岁时已经有了足够的理智，并且对一件事一知半解，那就是朱莉·贝克很危险。
Unavoidably dangerous, as it turns out. The minute I walked into Mrs. Yelson's second-grade classroom, I was dead meat.
结果是，不可躲避的危险。当我走进叶尔森小姐的班里时，我就知道死定了。
"Bryce!" Juli squeals. "You're here." Then she charges across the room and tackles me.
“布莱斯！”朱莉尖叫到。“你在这儿！”然后她从教室另一边冲过来并且擒住了我。
Mrs. Yelson tried to explain this attack away as a "welcome hug," but man, that was no hug. That was a front-line, take-'em-down tackle.
叶尔森小姐试图把这次进攻解释为“欢迎的拥抱”，但是天啊，那根本不是拥抱。那是个冲在最前线把人压倒的擒拿。
And even though I shook her off, it was too late. I was branded for life.
而且尽管我甩掉了她，已经太晚了。我一辈子都贴上了那样的烙印。
Everyone jeered, "Where's your girl friend, Bryce?" "Are you married yet, Bryce?"
每一个人嘲笑道：“你的女朋友在哪儿呢，布莱斯？”“你结婚了吗，布莱斯？”
And then when she chased me around at recess and tried to lay kisses on me, the whole school started singing, "Bryce and Juli sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G... "
当她在课间休息时追着我试图强吻我的时候，整个学校开始唱道，“布莱斯和朱莉坐在一棵树上接吻。”
My first year in town was a disaster. Third grade wasn't much better.
我在镇上的第一年是场灾难。三年级也没有什么好转。
She was still hot on my trail every time I turned around. Same with fourth. But then in fifth grade I took action.
我每一次回头的时候都会看到她跟踪我。四年级也是一样。但是五年级的时候我有了行动。
It started out slow -- one of those Nah-that's-not-right ideas you get and forget.
一开始我只是想想--那是一个并不正确的主意，你只是想想一会儿就忘了。
But the more I played with the idea, the more I thought, What better way to ward Juli off?
但是我想来想去，有什么更好的主意能甩掉朱莉呢？
What better way to say to her, "Juli, you are not my type"?
有什么更好的方法对她说：“朱莉，你不是我喜欢的类型？”
And so, my friend, I hatched the plan. I asked Shelly Stalls out.
所以，我的朋友，我实行了计划。我开始和雪莉·斯塔尔斯约会。
To fully appreciate the brilliance of this, you have to understand that Juli hates Shelly Stalls. She always has, though it beats me why.
要完全地认识到这个计划的高明之处，你必须理解朱莉恨雪莉·斯塔尔斯。一直以来都是，虽然我不知道为什么。
Shelly's nice and she's friendly and she's got a lot of hair. What's not to like?
雪莉漂亮、友善还有一头漂亮的长发。为什么不喜欢她？
But Juli hated her, and I was going to make this little gem of knowledge the solution to my problem.
但是朱莉恨她，而且我要把这个小小的了解作为解决问题的办法。
What I was thinking was that Shelly would eat lunch at our table and maybe walk around a little with me.
我想到的是雪莉可以和我们同桌吃饭，然后也许可以和我一起散散步。
That way, anytime Juli was around, all I'd have to do was hang a little closer to Shelly and things would just naturally take care of themselves.
用这样的方法，每一次只要朱莉在场，我只需要离雪莉近一点，接下来所有的事情都会自然发展。
What happened, though, is that Shelly took things way too seriously. She went around telling everybody -- including Juli -- that we were in love.
但是事实呢，雪莉实在太认真了。她告诉了所有人--包括朱莉--我们爱上了对方。
In no time Juli and Shelly got into some kind of catfight, and while Shelly was recovering from that, my supposed friend Garrett -- who had been totally behind this plan -- told her what I was up to.
没多久朱莉和雪莉就发生了激烈的战争，当雪莉终于又恢复过来的时候，我所谓的朋友加瑞特--他完全知道这个计划--告诉了雪莉我的计划。
He's always denied it, but I've since learned that his code of honor is easily corrupted by weepy females.
他每一次都否认，但是从那以后我了解到他的原则在眼泪汪汪的女生面前根本不堪一击。
That afternoon the principal tried cross-examining me, but I wouldn't cop to anything.
那个下午校长试着审问我，但是我拒绝招供。
I just kept telling her that I was sorry and that I really didn't understand what had happened. Finally she let me go.
我只是告诉她我很抱歉，还有我真的不知道发生了什么事。最后她终于让我离开了。
Shelly cried for days and followed me around school sniffling and making me feel like a real jerk, which was even worse than having Juli as a shadow.
雪莉哭了很久并且在学校里跟着我，对我嗤之以鼻，让我觉得我是个真正的坏蛋，这比有一个朱莉作为影子更加糟糕。
Everything blew over at the one-week mark, though, when Shelly officially dumped me and started going out with Kyle Larsen.
一个礼拜之后一切都停息了，雪莉正式甩掉了我并开始和凯勒·拉森约会。
Then Juli started up with the goo-goo eyes again, and I was back to square one.
然后朱莉又开始故技重施，于是我又回到了原点。
Now, in sixth grade things changed, though whether they improved is hard to say.
不过，在六年级的时候有了些改变，虽然进步在哪里很难说。
I don't remember Juli actually chasing me in the sixth grade. But I do remember her sniffing me. Yes, my friend, I said sniffing.
我不记得朱莉在六年级时追过我。但是我记得她闻我。是的，我的朋友，我说的就是闻。
And you can blame that on our teacher, Mr. Mertins. He stuck Juli to me like glue.
你可以把一切都怪罪到我们的老师，马丁斯先生身上。他把我和朱莉像胶水黏在一起。
Mr. Mertins has got some kind of doctorate in seating arrangements or something, because he analyzed and scrutinized and practically baptized the seats we had to sit in.
马丁斯先生可以在安排座位方面得到博士学位，因为他分析、详审并考察了我们的座位。
And of course he decided to seat Juli right next to me.
结果当然是他决定让朱莉坐在我旁边。
Juli Baker is the kind of annoying person who makes a point of letting you know she's smart.
朱莉·贝克是那种讨厌的人，总是特意地想让你知道她很聪明。
Her hand is the first one up; her answers are usually complete dissertations; her projects are always turned in early and used as weapons against the rest of the class.
她的手总是最先举起来；她的答案就像是完整的专题论文；她的课题总是先交上去，并且把它作为反对其余学生的武器。
Teachers always have to hold her project up and say, "This is what I'm looking for, class. This is an example of A-plus work."
老师总是把她的课题举得高高的说，“这才是我所期望的，同学们。这是个能得优秀的例子。”
Add all the extra credit she does to an already perfect score, and I swear she's never gotten less than 120 percent in any subject.
把她所有多得的学分加起来她可以拿到个满分，而且我发誓她从来没有在任何一个学科上低于120分。
But after Mr. Mertins stuck Juli right next to me, her annoying knowledge of all subjects far and wide came in handy.
但是在马丁斯先生把朱莉插在我边上后，她所了解的关于所有学科的烦人知识变得唾手可得。
See, suddenly Juli's perfect answers, written in perfect cursive, were right across the aisle, just an eye-shot away.
看，突然间朱莉用完美的书写写下的完美的答案，就在过道对面，只要一瞥就能看见。
You wouldn't believe the number of answers I snagged from her. I started getting A's and B's on everything! It was great!
你绝不会相信我从她那儿抄到答案的次数。我开始在任何一门学科得到优秀和良好！这太好了！
But then Mr. Mertins pulled the shift. He had some new idea for "optimizing positional latitude and longitude," and when the dust finally settled, I was sitting right in front of Juli Baker.
但是马丁斯先生又做了改变。他有了“优化方位经度和纬度”的新主意，当尘埃终于落定，我坐在了朱莉·贝克前面。
This is where the sniffing comes in. That maniac started leaning forward and sniffing my hair. She'd edge her nose practically up to my scalp and sniff-sniff-sniff.
这就是“闻”的开始。那个疯子开始前倾并且嗅我的头发。她尽可能地把她的鼻子伸向我的头皮开始吸气，吸气。
I tried elbowing and back-kicking. I tried scooting my chair way forward or putting my backpack between me and the seat. Nothing helped.
我试着用肘推和踢她。我试着把我的椅子往前拉或者把书包放在我和座椅之间。都没用。
She'd just scoot up, too, or lean over a little farther and sniff-sniff-sniff.
她也会往前，或者更多地前倾继续吸气，吸气。
I finally asked Mr. Mertins to move me, but he wouldn't do it. Something about not wanting to disturb the delicate balance of educational energies.
我终于请求了马丁斯先生换位子，但是他不肯。这关系到精确的平衡和教育能源。
Whatever. I was stuck with her sniffing. And since I couldn't see her perfectly penned answers anymore, my grades took a dive. Especially in spelling.
无论如何，我已经受够了她的吸气。而且自从我不能再看到她完美的答案，我的成绩开始下降，尤其是拼写。
Then one time, during a test, Juli's in the middle of sniffing my hair when she notices that I've blown a spelling word. A lot of words. Suddenly the sniffing stops and the whispering starts.
有一次，在一个考试期间，朱莉正在闻我的头发，当她注意到我在冥思苦想拼写单词，一大堆词时，突然间吸气停止了，低语开始了。
At first I couldn't believe it. Juli Baker cheating? But sure enough, she was spelling words for me, right in my ear.
一开始我不敢相信。朱莉·贝克作弊？不过足够确切，她在帮我拼写，就在我耳朵边上。
Juli'd always been sly about sniffing, which really bugged me because no one ever noticed her doing it, but she was just as sly about giving me answers, which was okay by me.
朱莉在闻的方面总是很狡猾，这让我很厌烦，因为从没有人注意到她在做什么，但是她在给我答案方面也同样狡猾，这对我来说倒没什么。
The bad thing about it was that I started counting on her spelling in my ear.
糟糕的是，我开始指望她在我耳边拼写。
I mean, why study when you don't have to, right?
我的意思是，为什么要在你根本不需要的时候学习呢？
But after a while, taking all those answers made me feel sort of indebted to her.
不过没过多久，从她那里得到答案让我觉得我欠了她。
How can you tell someone to bug off or quit sniffing you when you owe them? It's, you know, wrong.
当你欠了某人时，你怎么能对他们说让他们走开，不要吸你的气了？你知道，这是错误的。
So I spent the sixth grade somewhere between uncomfortable and unhappy, but I kept thinking that next year, next year, things would be different.
所以我并不舒服和不开心地度过了六年级，但是我不断想着下一年，下一年，一切都会不同了。
We'd be in junior high -- a big school -- in different classes. It would be a world with too many people to worry about ever seeing Juli Baker again.
我们会在中学--一个更大的学校--在不同的班。这会变成一个很多人的世界，根本不用担心再见到朱莉·贝克。
It was finally, finally going to be over.
一切终于，终于要结束了。
