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When people announce that they're going to have children, the normal reaction that you get is, "Congratulations!"
当一个人宣布自己将要有小孩的时候，他得到的回应通常是“恭喜你呀！”
When you announce that you're going to adopt, you can get a slightly different reaction.
而如果这个人说自己准备领养一个小孩，得到的回应通常会有点不一样。
And when you're a gay couple and announce that you're going to adopt children, you can get a very different reaction.
而如果说是一对同性恋人说自己准备收养一个小孩，得到的反应就会完全不同。
My partner Emma and I got to a stage in our relationship where we wanted to start a family, like lots of people do.
我和我的同性伴侣爱玛相处得很好，像大部分恋人一样，我们准备组建一个家庭。
Because we're two women, we had to look into the options,
但因为我们都是女性，就需要考虑各种可能性，
and the options that we wanted to focus on were about adoption or fostering, but at the time, we didn't really know much about either.
我们主要在考虑收养或者领养一个孩子，但问题是我们对两种方式的了解都不多。
And so, what I want to talk to you about
今天我想跟大家分享的，
is the journey that we took to becoming the first openly gay couple to be approved for adoption here, in Bristol, with Bristol City Council.
就是我们成为第一对成功获得布里斯托尔市政府公开批准领养小孩的同性伴侣的经历。
That was 11 years ago, and then, it subsequently led to us having our son Steven.
事情发生在11年前，之后我们拥有了自己的儿子史蒂芬。
So, you'll hear me talking about him as well. Thank you. Thank you.
所以后面我也会讲到他。谢谢你们的掌声。谢谢。
Now, opinions on gay adoption run very, very deep, and it's a complicated mix,
如今，关于同性恋领养的问题讨论地很深入，这是个很复杂的问题，
I find, of a number of things, kind of the idea of upholding "family values."
我还看到了一些讨论，有人称要坚持“家庭价值观”。
There are assumptions about gender roles, there are misunderstandings about actually the process of adoption,
有人设想性别在其中扮演的角色，有人误解了收养流程，
and there's a kind of slight level of panic about the idea of putting children into "gay lifestyles."
还有人对让孩子接受同性恋的生活方式有轻微的恐慌。
So, what I want to do is try and pick a few of those things and then explain some of the things that are different
所以，我想选择其中几个问题，说明一下跟他们设想不同的地方，
and some of the things that are exactly the same about having a family with two moms.
以及生活在一个有两个妈妈的家庭里，有哪些是跟普通家庭一样的。
So, we made that first call to Bristol City Council, that was 12 years ago,
12年前，我们首先给布里斯托尔市政府打了电话，
and they sent around a social worker and we said, you know, "Adoption, fostering, what's all that about?"
政府派了一个社工过来，我们问他：“领养和收养分别是怎么回事呢？”
And they said, "Well, let me put one question to you, firstly. Would you like a job, or would you like a family?"
他们说：“我先问你一个问题。你是想要一个工作，还是想要一个家庭呢？”
And we said, "No, we definitely want a family."
我们回答：“我们当然是想要一个家庭了。”
So, they said, "Fine, the permanent nature of adoption is for you."
然后他们说：“很好，你们很适合领养小孩。”
So we said, "Great, that's the first sort of simple thing there's to decide. So, what do we do next?"
我们说：“好啊，这是第一件好解决的事。我们接下来要做什么？”
They said, "We'll book you on a workshop. Go and find out more about it.
他们说：“我们会在讲习班给你们预订位置。你们先去多了解一下。
Come back to us, we'll put you through the application process, and you'll move on to become approved."
然后你们走申请流程，等着批准就行了。”
So, it was great! That was it. It seemed all so simple.
太好了！我们就只做了这些。感觉都很简单。
And so, we kind of skipped off and we started to tell friends and family that we wanted to adopt,
于是我们开始通知朋友和家人我们要领养小孩了，
and this was where we didn't necessarily get the "Congratulations!" that we might have expected.
此时我们并没有听到我们所期待的“恭喜你们！”
We got a lot of concerned looks, and we got a lot of questions.
而是收获了很多担忧的目光，还有很多问题。
We got people who said to us, "Are you even allowed to do that?"
有人问我们：“你们这样做是合法的吗？”
We got people who just said to us, "Why? Why would you want to do that? That is going to be so hard."
甚至还有人说：“你们为什么要领养小孩？后面会很麻烦的。”
And one of my colleagues at the time took me to one side and said, "Lynne, you need to not tell people that you're doing this.
还有一个我的同事把我拉到一边跟我说：“林恩，你不应该告诉身边的人你要领养孩子。
There are an awful lot of people out there who will disapprove of this very, very strongly, and you need to be careful."
有很多人会非常、非常强烈的反对的，你要小心一些。”
And he was right. Media headlines still to this day, just last month,
他是对的。新闻头条到现在还在关注这件事，就像事情是上个月发生的一样，
will talk about the views such as people believing that gay adoption is just morally wrong;
它们讨论着人们的种种看法，比如有人觉得同性情侣收养小孩就是一种道德问题；
that gay people who want children do it because they want some sort of "trophy" in order to mimic heterosexual lifestyles;
有人觉得同性情侣收养小孩是为了模仿异性情侣的生活方式，小孩是他们的战利品；
that gay people will turn their children gay. Good luck with that.
还有人说同性情侣会把他们领养的孩子也变成同性恋。我只能说祝你好运。
And some people even believe that placing children with gay parents is a form of abuse.
甚至还有人认为把小孩交给同性情侣抚养是在虐待他们。
And one of the things that I want to do today, kind of just for the record, is to say to you I am not on some sort of mission to undermine family values.
我今天想做一件事，我想解释一下，我并没有背负着什么要弱化家庭价值观的任务。
Steven is my son. He is not some sort of lifestyle accessory for me.
史蒂芬是我的儿子。他并不是为了模仿某种生活方式而存在的装饰品。
And not only do we not abuse him,
我们不仅没有虐待他，
we support him in dealing with the very difficult early years that he had which led to him being in the care system in the first place.
还帮助他去面对他艰难的幼年时期，正是那段经历让他住进了福利院。
But, back to the story. We skipped off to our workshop. We were so excited.
接着前面的讲。我们根据安排进了讲习班。彼此都很兴奋。
We were apprehensive, but we were like so enthusiastic, we wanted to go on. We were like, "Woohoo!"
我们一方面充满忧虑，一方面又满怀期待，甚至激动地想要吹口哨。
And of course, we walked into a room with people
当然，我们在讲习班也看到很多人
who had already been through the very long, the very difficult, and the very exhausting journey of having fertility treatment, but without success.
接受了漫长、艰辛、令人身心俱疲的不孕不育治疗，最后却没有得到想要的结果。
Those people were at the end of the road, and for those people, adoption can be a last choice.
那些人已经走到了路的尽头，对他们来说，领养就是最后的办法。
Now, I'm not suggesting that that affects their ability to be fantastic parents, but for Emma and I, we came to adoption very differently.
我并不是说因为这种原因而选择领养的父母不会是好父母，只是我和爱玛选择领养是因为完全不同的原因。
For us, it was our first choice, and it was an exciting new beginning.
对我们来说，领养就是第一选择，也是激动人心的新开始。
And the research into gay adopters is now showing that this is one of the common themes:
对同性情侣收养者的研究也发现了同样的现象：
gay adopters often choose adoption as their first choice, unlike many heterosexual couples,
与异性情侣不同，同性情侣通常把领养作为自己的第一选择，
and because of that, it means we come with a different set of more positive expectations at the beginning.
正因如此，我们从一开始就抱着更多期待。
Now, the other thing that that workshop gave us was an incredibly eye-opening view into the kids in our care system, who were then up for adoption.
此外，讲习班还让我们看到了福利院里很多正在等待领养的孩子。
And this is where we have a number of assumptions that get made, and misunderstandings about the adoption process itself.
很多人就是因为这个才产生了很多假想和对收养流程的误解。
Now, adoption has changed a lot over the years, but there are still sort of characters and, I'd say, myths around,
这些年来，收养小孩这件事已经发生了很多变化，但人们还是对它有着很多固定的看法，
like the kind of "Orphan Annie," like that sort of little children, just waiting for people to come along and kind of scoop them up.
比如“孤儿安妮”这种，比如很小的孩子可怜巴巴地等着人来把他们带回家等等。
There is still the very real fear that social workers somehow have the ability to waltz into families and just take children away, without any hint of concern.
人们仍然非常担心，社工会突然冲进家里，一声不吭把孩子带走。
Now, all cases are different, but the majority of children who are up for adoption are there because of abuse or neglect, or both.
现在情况不一样了，但是等待领养的孩子大部分都是因为受到虐待或者不受父母重视才进的福利院，或者两者都有。
And because of that neglect or abuse, they can have learning difficulties, they can have attachment disorders and they can have developmental delays.
正因为受到虐待和被忽视，他们学东西会有障碍，还可能会有情感障碍或者发育迟缓的问题。
And those things are then made worse if they are bounced around the care system.
而如果一堆有这种问题的孩子聚集在福利院，问题就会更严重。
These kids are special. These kids are different. And this is where the research into gay adopters is coming up with a common theme.
这些孩子都很特别。他们与众不同。所以，针对同性情侣收养者进行的调查也注意到这个问题。
For very different reasons, gay people know what it's like to be different,
因为一些原因，同性恋者更了解与众不同是什么感觉，
and because of that, the research is showing that we come to adoption with a greater level of empathy,
因此调查显示，同性情侣在领养小孩时会表现出强烈的同理心，
and we come with a greater level of flexibility in our parenting.
在养育子女方面会有更大的灵活性。
So, we got through the workshop. We were then off into the application process.
后来我们接受完培训，开始走申请流程。
So, we were matched up with a social worker, she was absolutely fantastic, and she quite rightly grilled us on every single question in that form.
我们匹配了一位社工，她很专业，她就表格上的每一个问题询问了我们。
We were given homework to do, our parents were interviewed, our friends were interviewed,
我们还要做家庭作业，我们的父母、朋友也接受了拜访，
and it was all around our ability to be assessed to provide what's called "therapeutic parenting."
他们评估了我们各方面的能力，以此判断我们是否可以进行治疗性育儿。
Now, there was one question in that form that we didn't spend hours soul-searching about,
表格上有一个问题，我们没有花上好几个小时搜肠刮肚就给出了答案，
and that question was: "If you have a child who then turns out to be gay, how would you feel?"
那个问题是：“如果你们的孩子将来变成了同性恋，你们会怎么想？”
And we were able to say, "I think we'll be fine."
我们回答说：“我们觉得没问题。”
And the social worker said, "Yes, I think you'll be fine, too. Let's move on."
那个社工说：“嗯，我也觉得你们没问题。我们继续。”
So, our application went in, and we headed off to the approval panel.
之后我们的申请流程继续推进，来到了审批小组环节。
Again, we were asked a great number of questions, but one of those questions was:
同样的，又有人问了我们一大堆问题，其中一个问题是：
"Boys, especially, need dads. If you have a boy, how are you going to provide the support that dads do?"
“男孩子尤其需要父亲的陪伴。如果你们收养了一个男孩，你们准备怎么给他父爱？”
And again, this is a very good question, and this is an important question, but this is one that involves assumptions about gender roles.
这个问题很好也很重要，但这个问题为不同性别在家庭中扮演的角色做了限定。
So, my answer was kind of in two parts.
我的回答分为两部分。
Firstly, I said to them, "Well, it depends on what you mean when you say 'what dads do.'
首先，我对他们说：“这取决于你们说的父爱是指什么。
If you mean who will take a child down a park on a Saturday afternoon and kick a ball around;
如果你说的是需要有人周六下午带孩子去公园踢球、
who will fix a puncture on a bicycle; who will tinker with a computer, my answer to that is, we will.
给破了的自行车胎补胎，还有修电脑，那么我的答案是，这些我们会去做。
We will do those things. Emma and I do those things. Women can do dad things." Thank you.
我们会做这些事情。爱玛和我都能做。女性也能担任父亲的角色。”谢谢。
And that is in exactly the same way that men can do mom things.
同样的，男性也可以担任母亲的角色。
Over the years, Emma and I have been quad-biking, we've been parascending, we've been to tank museums.
这些年来，我跟爱玛经常骑四轮自行车，我们去跳过伞，还去参观了坦克博物馆。
This time last year, I was with Steven and thousands of other teenage boys and an awful lot of grown men,
去年，我和史蒂芬还有几千个男孩子，以及很多成年男性，
far too many of which were dressed as "Thor," at the Gamer Expo in London.
很多成年男人打扮得像雷神索尔一样，去参加了伦敦的电子游戏博览会。
And so, this is a "dad thing" that I get to do, and I had a fantastic day.
这就是我做的“父亲该做的事”，那天我也玩得很开心。
But what we can't do, and what we don't pretend to be able to do, is to provide a male perspective on things:
但有一件我们做不到，也没法假装自己做得到的事，那就是是针对某件事给出男性视角的看法：
on shaving, on having your voice break, on what it's like to actually communicate with other men when women aren't around.
比如刮胡子、变声以及周边没有女性的时候怎么跟其他男性聊天。
But in those situations, we call upon the fantastic circle of men that we have in our friends and family.
但在这种时候，我们就会拜访我们朋友和家庭里那些优秀的男性。
Steven has lovely granddads, he has amazing uncles, cousins.
史蒂芬有一个可爱的祖父，还有很优秀的叔叔们和堂兄弟。
We rope in the husbands of our friends and we rope in our own male friends, and they advise us on what we might do and they also spend time with Steven.
我们说服了朋友的丈夫和男性朋友，他们也会给我们建议，并且跟史蒂芬一起玩。
So, we got through the approval panel, that was a great day.
就这样 我们顺利通过了审批小组的审核，那天是个好日子。
It was only at that point that we were then told that we were the first gay couple to have gone through that. So that was fantastic.
直到那时候才有人告诉我们，我们是第一对获批领养小孩的同性情侣。真是太美妙了。
So, off we skipped into the next stage, very excitedly, which is the matching process.
接着我们就进入了下一个环节，也就是非常激动人心的匹配环节。
And so, you call local authorities up and down the country to inquire about the children that are in their care systems,
我们联系了全国上下各级政府，询问他们福利院是否有小孩在等候领养，
and this is where we hit a huge wall of negativity.
在这一阶段我们遭受了巨大打击。
We had lots of awkward silences. We had lots of people who said, "I'm sorry. We believe that child needs a dad,"
很多人给我们的回应是尴尬的沉默。很多人说：“抱歉。我们还是觉得孩子需要一个父亲。”
but with no discussion at all about what that actually meant.
然而他们根本就没有跟我们讨论父亲意味着什么。
We had lots of people who actually just said to us, "We believe what you're doing is wrong."
还有很多人直截了当地说：“我觉得你们这样做是错的。”
And that was the worst part for us in the process.
这是我们在整个过程中遇到的最大挫折。
It was incredibly battering, and we really weren't sure that we were ever going to get matched, or get through.
我们觉得很挫败，自己都怀疑到底还能不能匹配到一个适合的孩子，或者熬过这一段。
We thought we might just have to give up. And then, we got a phone call after we had inquired about a five-year-old boy,
我们想可能我们就要这样放弃了吧。但随后，我们从曾问过的一个五岁男孩那里接到了打回的电话，
and after many more meetings and another panel, a matching panel, we were matched with Steven.
又进行了多次会面后，我们组成了一个新的小组，然后我们和史蒂芬匹配成功了。
He was nearly six. He's now 16. And that part of the process for us was made a lot easier because of Steven's foster family being so supportive.
他那时快满六岁了。现在已经16岁了。因为史蒂芬的收养家庭十分配合，我们的领养过程轻松了很多。
They prepared Steven by saying to him that he was such a special little boy he was not just going to get one mom, he was going to get two.
在给斯蒂芬做心理准备的时候，他们告诉史蒂芬，他是个很特别的孩子，所以他会有两个妈妈。
And that was amazing. It was amazing for us, but it was incredibly positive for Steven, at that very difficult time when you're transitioning.
在我们的适应过程进行的很艰难的时候，他们给了史蒂芬大量的正面引导，我们很感激他们。
And I was talking to Steven's foster family this summer, and of course they said, "Yes, but it's created a little bit of a throwback potentially,
我今年夏天和史蒂芬的收养家庭聊天的时候，他们说：“那样说是很好，但是也造成了一点负面影响。
because now we have other foster children who kind of stand there going, 'Well, I am super special too, and I think I want two moms.'"
现在有待领养的小孩跑到我面前说，‘我也很特别呀，我也想要两个妈妈。’”
But Steven doesn't just have two moms. Steven has a birth family, and we have contact with them.
但史蒂芬不仅有两个妈妈。他还有血缘家庭，我们跟他们也有联系。
Steven has a foster family, and they have become great friends.
他还有收养家庭，他和他们成了很好的朋友。
And Steven has an adoptive family, and that isn't just Emma and myself; it is all of my wider family and it is all of Emma's wider family.
他还有一个领养家庭，这个家庭里不止我和爱玛，还包括我的整个大家庭和爱玛的整个大家庭。
So, 12 years on from that first workshop, how are we all doing?
离进讲习班已经12年了，我们现在都怎么样了呢？
Well, Steven spends an awful lot of time in his bedroom, on his own.
史蒂芬会自己一个人在卧室呆很长时间。
He spends a lot of time on Facebook. It's been like his phone has kind of melded to his hand.
他经常泡在Facebook上。就像手机长在手上一样。
He spends an awful lot of time in front of the bathroom mirror.
他也会花很多时间在浴室照镜子。
He thinks we're totally embarrassing. He doesn't really want to be seen out with us in public.
他觉得和我们在一起很尴尬。也不想和我们一起出门。
He believes our mission in life is to nag him and to stop him from doing everything he really wants to.
他觉得我们在他生命中的意义就是唠叨以及阻止他做各种他想做的事。
So, we kind of feel that really we've raised a pretty normal teenage boy. But more seriously, Steven is doing brilliantly.
所以我们觉得我们真的养大了一个正常的青少年。但是认真说来，史蒂芬是个很好的孩子。
Despite his very difficult start in life, he has always been very intelligent, he has always been very funny.
尽管他人生的开头很艰辛，他却一直很聪明，也很好玩。
He loves computers. He's a great photographer. He's very creative.
他喜欢电脑。还很擅长摄影。创造力也很强。
We are incredibly proud of everything he achieves, and he is an amazing young man.
对于他取得的成绩我们都很骄傲，他是个很好的年轻人。
But he struggles to deal with the consequences of those very difficult early years, and he always will.
但他还是处理不好头几年的折磨造成的痛苦，将来也会如此。
They are a very significant part of who he is, they shape his sense of self and they shape his sense of his future, particularly so during adolescence.
那些经历在他的人生中留下了深刻的痕迹，它们塑造了他对自我和对未来的认知，在青少年时期尤其如此。
Now, what about Emma and I? How are we doing?
那爱玛和我呢？我们怎么样？
Well, just because we might have a bit more empathy and we might have a bit more flexibility, that does not make us perfect parents.
比别人多出的一点同理心和灵活度，并没有让我们成为完美的父母。
In exactly the same way as other parents do, we struggle.
我们就跟其他父母一样面临挣扎。
There are some days where we get it broadly right, there are some days where we mess it up completely,
有时候我们把一切做得尽善尽美，有时候又把生活搞成一团乱麻，
but we love Steven and we tell him that every single day, again, much to his annoyance and embarrassment, really.
但我们爱史蒂芬，我们每天都这样告诉他，这也会让他觉得愤怒和尴尬。
So, is there a moral to this tale? Well, yes, there is.
那么，讲这个故事是有什么想告诉大家的吗？有的。
We should not assume that families are a certain number or a certain gender of people.
不要把家庭限定为某个固定的数字或某种固定性别的人。
Families come in all shapes and sizes. They always have, and they always will.
家庭有多种形态和大小。一直以来都是这样，并且以后也会这样。
And gay adopters, gay parents, we are just actually one very small part of that mix. And that's OK. It really is.
而同性情侣领养人和同性父母只构成了其中的一小部分。这是没问题的，事实也的确如此。
We are not as different and we are certainly not as threatening as the media headlines might have people believe. Thank you.
新闻头条让人们觉得我们十分与众不同，并且会造成威胁，其实并没有。谢谢大家。
