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All I've ever wanted is for Juli Baker to leave me alone. For her to back off - you know, just give me some space.
我只有一个愿望：让朱莉安娜·贝克别来烦我。快点给我走开！- 我只想让她离我远点。
It all started the summer before second grade when our moving van pulled into her neighborhood. And since we're now about down with the 8th grade, that, my friend, makes more than half a decade of strategic avoidance and social discomfort.
故事从二年级暑假，从我家的卡车停在她家隔壁那一刻开始。眼下，我们都快上完八年级了，也就是说，整整五年，我不得不忍受着社交上的不便，对她实行"战略性回避"。
She didn't just barge into my life. She barged and shoved and wedged her way into my life. Did we invite her to get into our moving van and start climbing all over boxes? No! But that's exactly what she did, taking over and showing off like only Juli Baker can.
她可不只是"闯入"了我的生活，她是千方百计非要在我的生活里占领一席之地不可。难道是我们邀请她爬进搬家的卡车里，在箱子上爬来爬去的吗？才没有！可她就是不请自来，好像这是她的家，是她朱莉安娜·贝克的特权似的。
My dad tried to stop her. "Hey!" he says as she's catapulting herself on board. "What are you doing? You're getting mud everywhere!" So true, too. Her shoes were, like, caked with the stuff.
爸爸试图阻止她，"嘿！"她在车里跳来跳去的时候，爸爸喊道，"你在干什么？你把烂泥弄得到处都是！"没错，她的鞋上糊满了泥巴。
She didn't hop out, though. Instead, she planted her rear end on the floor and started pushing a big box with her feet. "Don't you want some help?" She glanced my way. "It sure looks like you need it."
可她根本没想从车上下来。正相反，她一屁股坐在车厢里，开始用脚推起一个大箱子。"你难道不需要帮忙吗？"她朝我这边瞥了一眼，"我觉得你真的需要别人帮忙呢。"
"No, no, no!" my dad says, then pulls her up by the arm. "Why don't you run along home? Your mother's probably wondering where you are."
"不，不，不用！"爸爸把她抱起来，"你是不是应该回家看看？你妈妈也许正在担心你跑到哪儿去了。"
This was the beginning of my soon-to-become-acute awareness that the girl cannot take a hint. Of any kind. Does she zip on home like a kid should when they've been invited to leave? No.
这是我头一次见识到这姑娘到底有多么不识趣，毫无自知之明。作为一个孩子，当别人礼貌地请她离开的时候，难道不是应该立刻乖乖地回家吗？她才不会。
She says, "Oh, my mom know where I am. She said it was fine." Then she points across the street and says, "We just live right over there."
她说："哦，妈妈知道我在哪儿，她说没关系。"然后她指着街对面说，"我家就住在那儿。"
My father looks to where she's pointing and mutters, "Oh boy." Then he looks at me and winks as he says, "Bryce, isn't it time for you to go inside and help you mother?"
爸爸看着她所指的方向，念叨着："唉，上帝啊。"然后他看着我，边眨眼边说，"布莱斯，你是不是该进去跟妈妈帮把手了？"
I knew right off that this was a ditch play. I smiled and said, "Sure thing!" then jumped off the lift gate and headed for my new front door.
我马上明白过来，这是个甩掉她的小花招。我笑了，答道："没错！"然后跳出车门，冲向我们的新家。
I heard her coming after me but I couldn't believe it. Maybe it just sounded like she was chasing me; maybe she was really going the other way. But before I got up the nerve to look, she blasted right past me, grabbing my arm and yanking me along.
我听见她跟了上来，但我不敢相信。也许只是听上去很像她追上来了，也许她只是走向另一个方向。但是，在我鼓足勇气回头之前，她已经赶上来，猛地抓住我的胳膊。
This was too much. I planted myself and was about to tell her to get lost when the weirdest thing happened. I was making this big windmill motion to break away from her, but somehow on the downswing my hand wound up tangling into hers. I couldn't believe it. There I was, holding the mud monkey's hand!
这太过分了。我停下脚步，想告诉她快滚开，这时却发生了最最诡异的事情。我抡起胳膊想摆脱她，可是手臂落下来的时候却变成了挽着她的姿势。我简直不敢相信，我竟然挽了这只"泥猴"的手！
I tried to shake her off, but she just clamped on tight and yanked me along, saying, "C'mon!"
我想甩开她，但她把我的手攥得紧紧的，拉着我说："来吧！"
My mom came out of the house and immediately got the world's sappiest look on her face. "Well, hello," she says to Juli.
我妈妈从屋里走出来，立刻摆出了一副最神经质不过的表情，"嗨，你好！"她跟朱莉打招呼。
"Hi!"
"你好！"
I'm still trying to pull free, but the girl's got me in a death grip. My mom's grinning, looking at our hands and my fiery red face. "And what's your name, honey?"
我还在挣扎着想摆脱她，但她死死地拽着我。看到我们握在一起的手，还有我又红又热的脸，妈妈笑了，"你叫什么名字，亲爱的？"
"Julianna Baker. I live right over there." she says, pointing with her unoccupied hand.
"朱莉安娜·贝克。我家就住在那儿。"她用那只空着的手指点着。
"Well, I see you've met my son." she says, still grinning away.
"哦，我想你已经见过我儿子了。"妈妈还在笑着。
"Uh-huh!"
"对啊！"
Finally I break free and do the only manly thing available when you're 7 years old - I dive behind my mother.
我终于挣脱出来，做了一件七岁男孩唯一能做的充满男子汉气概的事--我躲到了妈妈身后。
Mom puts her arm around me and says, "Bryce, honey, why don't you show Julianna around the house?"
妈妈用手臂环着我，"布莱斯，亲爱的，你是不是应该请朱莉安娜参观一下我们的新家？"
I didn't exactly give her a tour. I locked myself in the bathroom instead. And after about 10 minutes of yelling back at her that no, I wasn't coming out anytime soon, things got quiet out in the hall. Another 10 minutes went by before I got the nerve to peek out the door.
我没有认真地带她参观，而是把自己反锁在厕所里。我冲她叫喊了将近十分钟的"不，我决不出来"之后，客厅里终于安静下来。又过了十分钟，我鼓足勇气从门缝里往外看去。
No Juli.
没看到朱莉。
I snuck out and looked around, and yes! She was gone.
我蹑手蹑脚地走出来，看了一圈，没错，她走了！
Not a very sophisticated ditch, but hey, I was only 7.
这一手不算太高明，但我毕竟才七岁嘛。
My troubles were far from over, though. Every day she came back, over and over again. "Can Bryce play?" I could hear her asking from my hiding place behind the couch. "Is he ready yet?" One time she even cut across the yard and looked through my window.
不过，我的麻烦还远远没有结束。她一次又一次地来找我，每天都来。"布莱斯能出来玩吗？"我藏在沙发背后，听见她这样问道。"他准备好了吗？"有一次她甚至穿过院子从窗户往里看。
I spotted her in the nick of time and dove under my bed, but man, that right there tells you something about Juli Baker. She's got no concept of personal space. No respect for privacy. The world is her playground, and watch out below - Juli's on the slide!
我恰好观察到她的动向，马上潜伏到床底下。不过朋友，我得告诉你一些关于朱莉安娜·贝克的事。她完全不知道"私人空间"为何物，不尊重别人的隐私。全世界都是朱莉的地盘，当心--她只会越来越过分！
Lucky for me, my dad was willing to run block. And he did it over and over again. he told her I was busy or sleeping or just plain gone. He was a lifesaver.
幸运的是，我爸爸希望保护我。他徒劳地试了一次又一次，他告诉朱莉说我很忙，说我在睡觉，或者说我不在家。他真是我的大救星。
My sister, on the other hand, tried to sabotage me any chance she got. Lynetta's like that. She's four years older than me, and buddy, I've learned from watching her how not to run your life. She's got ANTAGONIZE written all over her.
作为对立面，我的姐姐却逮住一切机会陷害我。利奈特就喜欢这样。她比我大四岁，从她身上我学会了-做人千万别像她那样。她是个浑身上下写满了"抗议"两个字的家伙。
Just look at her - not cross-eyed or with your tongue sticking out or anything - just look at her and you've started an argument.
只要谁看了她一眼--不用斜着眼睛，或是吐着舌头看--仅仅是看她一眼，就能让她跟你吵起来。
I used to knock-down-drag-out with her, but it's just not worth it. Girls don't fight fair. They pull your hair and gouge you and pinch you; then they run off gasping to mommy when you try and defend yourself with a fist.
跟她在一起，我一向采取消极抵抗的态度，但是这也没有用。女孩子从来不搞公平竞争。她们拽你的头发、抠你、掐你，明明是你挨了打，她们却率先跑到妈妈面前告状。
Then you get locked into time-out, and for what? No, my friend, the secret is, don't snap at the bait. Let it dangle. Swim around it. Laugh it off. After a while they'll give up and try to lure someone else.
然后你被关了禁闭，凭什么？不，我的朋友，诀窍在于千万不能上当，不要跟她们正面交锋。你得不慌不忙地四处迂回，对她们的挑衅一笑置之。过不了多久她们就会放弃了，把注意力转移到别人身上。
My mom didn't understand why it was to awful that "that cute little girl" had held my hand. She thought I should make friends with her. "I thought you liked soccer, honey. Why don't you go out there and kick the ball around?"
妈妈完全不理解为什么被"那个可爱的小姑娘"拉了手，是件糟透了的事。她认为我应该跟朱莉交朋友。"我一直以为你也喜欢足球呢，亲爱的。你怎么不出去在附近踢一会儿呢？"
Because I din't want to be kicked around, that's why. And although I couldn't say it like that at the time, I still had enough sense at age 7 and a half to know that Juli Baker was dangerous.
因为我可不想被人当球踢。在七岁半这个年纪，我也许嘴上说不出来，却已经本能地意识到，朱莉·贝克是个危险的家伙。
Unavoidably dangerous, as it turns out. The minute I walked into Mrs. Yelson's second grade classroom, I was dead meat. "Bryce!" Juli squeals. "You're here." Then she charges across the room and tackles me.
事实证明，她是个无法躲避的危险。当我走进叶尔逊夫人的二年级教室，我就开始任人宰割了。"布莱斯！"朱莉尖叫着，"你也在这儿。"接着，她冲过整间教室按住了我。
Mrs. Yelson tried to explain this attack away as a "welcome hug", but man, that was no hug. That was a front-line, take-'em-down tackle. And even though I shook her off, it was too late. I was branded for life.
叶尔逊夫人想把这次袭击解释成"用拥抱欢迎你"，可是，那根本不是什么拥抱，明明是个真刀真枪、硬碰硬的抢断动作。虽然我把她挣开，但已经晚了，我就此打上了一生的烙印。
Everyone jeered, "Where's your girlfriend, Bryce?" "Are you married yet, Bryce?" And then when she chased me around at recess and tried to lay kisses on me, the whole school started singing, "Bryce and Juli sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G…"
人人都嘲笑我，"布莱斯，你的女朋友呢？""婚结了吗，布莱斯？"课间休息，当她追着我、试图亲吻我的时候，全校学生都唱起了拉拉歌，"布莱斯和朱莉坐在树梢上，K-I-S-S-I-N-G……（kissing,接吻）"
My first year in town was a disaster.
刚搬过来的第一年，简直不堪回首。
Third grade wasn't much better. She was still hot on my trail every time I turned around. Same with fourth.
三年级也好不到哪儿去，她坚持到处堵着我。四年级也是一样。
But then in fifth grade I took action.
到了五年级，我终于决定反击。
