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What's interesting is high-conflict personality seemed to we've really boiled it down to four key characteristics.
有趣的是 高冲突个性的人 我们把它归结为四个主要特点
The first and maybe the most stunning is a preoccupation with blaming other people.
第一个也是最惊人的一个就是不遗余力地责怪他人
It's really it's all your fault and you may have experienced this.
都是你的错 你可能经历过这种感觉
And it's not at all my fault that's zero.
根本就不是我的错 我一点错也没有
My part of the problem is zero.
我什么毛病都没有
And that's how high-conflict people talk.
这就是高冲突的人讲话的方式
And they'll say don't you get it it's all your fault.
他们会说 你不明白吗？都是你的错
The second is a lot of all-or-nothing thinking.
第二个就是非黑即白的极端思想
Of course it's all your fault but my way or the highway solutions to problems are there's all good people and there's all bad people.
当然了 都是你的错 唯我独尊的解决方式就是人们要么是好的 要么是坏的
So they have this kind of all-or-nothing perspective.
他们会有这种非黑即白的极端思想
A third is often but not always unmanaged emotions.
第三个是常常但不一直都是的失控情绪
And you may see that people that just start yelling or just start crying or just storm out of a room.
你会看到他们大喊大叫 哭闹 或者摔门而出
That kind of behavior we're seeing but it's emotions that they're not managing.
我们会看到这种行为 但其实是他们无法管理自己的行为
And the fourth is extremes of behavior.
第四个就是极端行为
And one thing I talk about in the book Five Types of People is this 90 percent rule
我在《五种人》这本书里面提到的一点就是90%规则
that ninety percent of people don't do some of the things that high-conflict people do.
即90%的人不会做高冲突的人会做的事
So if you see some shocking behavior and then the person makes an excuse for it that's often the tip of the iceberg.
所以如果你看到令人惊诧的行为 而那个人还找借口解释 那只是冰山一角
So it's preoccupation with blaming others, all-or-nothing thinking, unmanaged emotions and extreme behaviors.
所以就是不遗余力地责怪他人 非黑即白的极端思想 失控情绪和极端行为
That seems to be the pattern for high-conflict personalities.
这似乎就是高冲突人们的典型模式
People that have those we call high-conflict people.
有这些特点的人 我们称之为高冲突人
But by the way don't tell them that you think that.
但是要说一下 不要告诉他们你这么想
That will blow up in your face.
他们会当面爆发的
So target of blame seems to be why these folks can become so difficult.
而责怪对象会让这些人难以相处
If you're the target of blame your life may be ruined by one of these folks.
如果你是责怪对象 那你的生活就可能被这种人毁掉
And that's what people need to become aware of.
人们需要注意这一点
So the target of blame each of these five high-conflict personalities tends to zero in generally on one person.
所以责怪对象 这五种高冲突性格特点往往会聚焦在一个人身上
It could change over time but they see that person as the cause of all their problems.
它可能会随着时间有所改变 但他们会觉得这个人就是他们所有问题的症结所在
And so they want to control that person or eliminate that person or destroy or humiliate that person.
所以他们想控制这个人 消除这个人的本性 毁灭这个人或者羞辱这个人
It's a fixation on one person and all of their life problems they emotionally focus on that person.
他们会固定针对一个人 会很情绪化地把生活中所有问题都归结在这一个人身上
So you don't want to be one of those folks.
所以你肯定不想成为这样的人
How to avoid being a target of blame?
那如何避免成为责怪对象呢？
First of all if you see warning signs of this behavior don't get too close to such a person.
首先 如果你看到这些行为的警告标志 千万不要跟这个人走太近
You may be a friend but don't be the closest friend, you may be a co-worker but don't be the closest co-worker.
你可以是朋友 但不要做最亲密的朋友 你可以是同事 但不要做关系最好的同事
Because what seems to happen is the people they get really close to are the ones that are most at risk of becoming their targets of blame.
因为似乎是那些跟他们走的最近的人才最容易成为他们的责怪对象
But it could be anybody.
不过也可能是任何人
They tend to target intimate others and people in authority.
他们比较倾向于针对身边亲密的人和执掌权力的人
So this could be boyfriends girlfriends, husbands wives, parents children, co-workers, neighbors they get close to.
所以可能是男女朋友 夫妻双方 父母孩子 同事 关系较好的邻居
It also could be police could be government agency or a government official could be their boss could be the company owner.
也可能是警察 政府机构或政府官员 可能是他们的老板 可能是公司老总
So they tend to focus on intimate others and/or people in authority.
他们喜欢瞄准亲密的人和/或当权人士
Now the way to avoid becoming a target of blame not getting too close to them but also not engaging in conflict with them.
避免成为责怪对象的方法 不要跟他们走太近 也不要跟他们起冲突
They often invite conflict like they'll say outrageous things and you may feel like you've got to persuade them that they're wrong.
他们经常会主动挑事 比如 他们会爆粗口 让你感觉得说服他们 让他们知道自己错了
And that's what I call a forget about it.
这就是我所说的想都别想
Just forget about it. You're not gonna change their mind.
不要想这个事儿 你无法改变他们的想法
If they're a difficult person high-conflict person this is who they are and you may not really even exist for them.
如果他们很难相处 是个高冲突的人 那这就是他们的本色 你对他们来说可能无关紧要
So if you argue with them they're not going to change.
所以如果你跟他们争论 他们不会有任何改变的
So save yourself the trouble.
所以省省吧
But when people challenge them is often when they turn against you and they see you in they're all or nothing eyes as all bad.
但是当人们挑战他们的时候就是他们对你倒戈相向的时候 他们会用那非黑即白的视角把你当成一个大坏人
And so you don't want to have that kind of relationship.
所以你肯定不想有这种关系
So if you're in a personal relationship family relationship neighbor co-worker etc you can manage relationships with these folks but usually at an arm's length.
如果你处于这样的私人关系 家庭关系 邻居 同事关系中 你可以勉强跟这些人为伍 但通常都会保持一定距离
And don't make it too confrontational don't say they have a high-conflict personality.
不要起正面冲突 不要告诉他们有高冲突人格
Don't argue with them try to convince them don't try to give them insight into themselves.
不要和他们争吵 不要试着说服他们 不要试着让他们自我反省
You can just say "Oh well that's interesting. Hey I've got to go now." something like that.
你可以直接说“哦 挺有意思的 嘿 我得先走了”之类的话
