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I've been doing some thinking. I'm going to kill my dad. I called my sister.
我思考了一阵子。我要杀了我爸爸。我打电话给我姐姐。
"Listen, I've been doing some thinking. I'm going to kill Dad.
“听着，我思考了一阵子。我要杀了爸爸。
I'm going to take him to Oregon, find some heroin, and give it to him."
我要带他去奥勒岗，找一些海洛因，给他用。”
My dad has frontotemporal lobe dementia, or FTD.
我爸爸有额颞叶型失智症，也就是FTD。
It's a confusing disease that hits people in their 50s or 60s.
是种会让人困惑的疾病，通常在五、六十岁时发病。
It can completely change someone's personality, making them paranoid and even violent.
它会完全改变一个人的人格，让他们偏执，甚至暴力。
My dad's been sick for a decade, but three years ago he got really sick,
我爸爸已经病了十年了，但三年前病况恶化，
and we had to move him out of his house -- the house that I grew up in, the house that he built with his own hands.
我们得把他带离他的房子--那间房子是我长大的地方，是他自己用双手建立起来的。
My strapping, cool dad with the falsetto singing voice had to move into a facility for round-the-clock care when he was just 65.
我的魁梧酷老爸，唱歌时会用假声，我们得把他送到有日夜照护的机构，那时他才65岁。
At first my mom and sisters and I made the mistake of putting him in a regular nursing home.
我和我妈妈及姐妹一开始犯了一个错误，把他送到一般的赡养机构。
It was really pretty; it had plush carpet and afternoon art classes and a dog named Diane. But then I got a phone call.
那里很漂亮；有长毛绒地毯，下午有艺术课程，还有只叫戴安的狗。但接着，我接到一通电话。
"Ms. Malone, we've arrested your father." "What?"
“马龙小姐，我们逮捕了你的父亲。”“什么？”
"Well, he threatened everybody with cutlery.
“嗯，他拿着餐刀威胁每个人。
And then he yanked the curtains off the wall, and then he tried to throw plants out the window.
接着他把墙壁上的帘子扯下来，然后他试图把植物丢出窗外。
And then, well, he pulled all the old ladies out of their wheelchairs."
接着，他把所有的老太太都从轮椅上拉下来。”
"All the old ladies?" "What a cowboy."
“所有的老太太？”“好一个牛仔。”
After he got kicked out of there,
在他被赶出去之后，
we bounced him between a bunch of state-run facilities before finding a treatment center specifically for people with dementia.
我们带他去一些公立养护中心，他总是被撵走，最后才找到一家专门为失智症设立的治疗中心。
At first, he kind of liked it, but over time his health declined,
一开始，他还蛮喜欢那里的，但随时间过去，他的健康恶化，
and one day I walked in and found him sitting hunched over on the ground wearing a onesie
有一天，我去那里时，发现他坐在地上缩着身体，穿着连身衣，
those kinds of outfits that zip in the back.
背后有拉链的那种连身服装。
I watched him for about an hour as he yanked at it, trying to find a way out of this thing.
我看了他一个小时，他一直在拉扯那件连身衣，试着要把它脱掉。
And it's supposed to be practical, but to me it looked like a straightjacket.
那本来应该是很实用的服装，但我只觉得它看起来像紧身约束衣。
And so I ran out. I left him there. I sat in my truck -- his old truck -- hunched over,
所以我跑出去了。我把他丢在那里。我坐在我的卡车里--那是他的老卡车--弯着身，
this really deep guttural cry coming out of the pit of my belly.
从我的内心深处发出粗哑的哭声。
I just couldn't believe that my father, the Adonis of my youth, my really dear friend,
我就是无法相信，我的父亲，我年轻时的阿多尼斯，我亲爱的朋友，
would think that this kind of life was worth living anymore.
会认为这样的生命还值得活下去。
We're programmed to prioritize productivity.
我们天生就是会把生产力排到高优先级。
So when a person -- an Adonis in this case -- is no longer productive in the way we expect him to be,
所以当一个人--在这个例子中是阿多尼斯--不再有我们期待他应该有的生产力，
the way that he expects himself to be, what value does that life have left?
不再有他期待他自己该有的生产力时，那样的生命还剩什么价值？
That day in the truck, all I could imagine was that my dad was being tortured and his body was the vessel of that torture.
那天，在卡车里，我能想象的只有我爸爸正受到虐待，而他的身体就是那虐待他的容器。
I've got to get him out of that body. I've got to get him out of that body; I'm going to kill Dad.
我得把他从那身体中救出来。我得把他从那身体中救出来；我要杀了我爸爸。
I call my sister. "Beth," she said. "You don't want to live the rest of your life knowing that you killed your father.
我打电话给我姐姐。“贝丝，”她说。“你不会想要带着你杀了自己爸爸的记忆度过你的下半辈子。
And you'd be arrested I think, because he can't condone it. And you don't even know how to buy heroin."
并且我认为你会被逮捕，因为他无法纵容你做这事。而且你甚至不知道去哪买海洛因。”
It's true, I don't. The truth is we talk about his death a lot.
是真的，我不知道。事实是，我们常常谈他的死亡。
When will it happen? What will it be like?
何时会发生？会是怎样的情况？
But I wish that we would have talked about death when we were all healthy.
但我希望我们在大家都健康时就已经谈论过死亡。
What does my best death look like? What does your best death look like? But my family didn't know to do that.
我最好的死亡会是什么样子的？你最好的死亡会是什么样子的？但我的家人之前不知道要那么做。
And my sister was right. I shouldn't murder Dad with heroin, but I've got to get him out of that body.
我姐姐是对的。我不该用海洛因来谋杀我爸爸，但我得把他从他的身体中救出来。
So I went to a psychic. And then a priest, and then a support group,
所以我去找灵媒。接着去找牧师，然后是支持团体，
and they all said the same thing: sometimes people hang on when they're worried about loved ones.
他们都说一样的话：有时，人们不愿离开是因为他们担心他们爱的人。
Just tell them you're safe, and it's OK to go when you're ready.
只要告诉他们你很安全，准备好了就可以离开，没关系的。
So I went to see Dad. I found him hunched over on the ground in the onesie.
所以我去看爸爸。我发现他穿着连身衣，弯身坐在地上。
He was staring past me and just kind of looking at the ground.
他的视线穿过我，像是看着地板。
I gave him a ginger ale and just started talking about nothing in particular,
我给他一瓶姜汁汽水，开始说话，没聊什么特别的，
but as I was talking, he sneezed from the ginger ale.
但当我在说话时，他因为姜汁汽水而打喷嚏。
And the sneeze -- it jerked his body upright, sparking him back to life a little bit.
而那喷嚏让他的身体突然被拉直，稍稍让他有一点生命的火花。
And he just kept drinking and sneezing and sparking, over and over and over again until it stopped.
他只是不断喝汽水和打喷嚏，然后有一点火花，一次又一次，直到停止。
And I heard, "Heheheheheh, heheheheheh ... this is so fabulous. This is so fabulous."
而我听到了，“嘿嘿嘿嘿嘿，嘿嘿嘿嘿嘿...这实在太棒了。这实在太棒了。”
His eyes were open and he was looking at me, and I said, "Hi, Dad!" and he said, "Hiya, Beth."
他的眼睛睁开了，他看着我，我说：“嗨，爸爸！”而他说：“你好啊，贝丝。”
And I opened my mouth to tell him, right?
而我要张开口告诉他，对吧？
"Dad, if you want to die, you can die. We're all OK."
“爸，如果你想要死，你可以。我们都会没事的。”
But as I opened my mouth to tell him, all I could say was, "Dad! I miss you."
但当我张开口要告诉他时，我能说的只有：“爸！我好想你。”
And then he said, "Well, I miss you, too." And then I just fell over because I'm just a mess.
接着他说：“我也好想你。”然后我就跌坐下来了，因为我是一团糟。
So I fell over and I sat there with him because for the first time in a long time he seemed kind of OK.
我跌坐下来，我和他坐在那里，因为这么久以来，他第一次看起来似乎很好。
And I memorized his hands, feeling so grateful that his spirit was still attached to his body.
我记着他的手，非常感恩他的心灵还和他的身体连结在一起。
And in that moment I realized I'm not responsible for this person.
在那一刻，我了解到，我不用对这个人负责。
I'm not his doctor, I'm not his mother, I'm certainly not his God,
我不是他的医生，我不是他的母亲，我肯定不是他的神，
and maybe the best way to help him and me is to resume our roles as father and daughter.
也许，帮助他和我最好的方式，就是继续扮演我们的父女角色。
And so we just sat there, calm and quiet like we've always done.
所以我们就坐在那里，像过去一直以来那样，平静、安静地。
Nobody was productive. Both of us are still strong.
没有人有生产力。我们两个人都还很坚强。
"OK, Dad. I'm going to go, but I'll see you tomorrow."
“好了，爸，我要走了，但我明天会再来看你。”
"OK," he said. "Hey, this is a pretty nice hacienda." Thank you.
“好，”他说。“嘿，这是个挺好的大庄园。”谢谢。
