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The first time I uttered a prayer was in a glass-stained cathedral.
我第一次祷告是在有彩绘玻璃的大教堂。
I was kneeling long after the congregation was on its feet,
会众起立后我长跪着，
dip both hands into holy water, trace the trinity across my chest,
双手沉浸在圣水中，在我的胸膛画十字架，
my tiny body drooping like a question mark all over the wooden pew.
我渺小的身体像个问号般低垂，布满整张木头座席。
I asked Jesus to fix me, and when he did not answer
我祈求耶稣治愈我，当时他未回答，
I befriended silence in the hopes that my sin would burn and salve my mouth would dissolve like sugar on tongue,
我便与静默为友，冀盼我的罪恶能烧尽，我的嘴巴会溶解，就像舌头上的糖，
but shame lingered as an aftertaste.
但耻辱却如同余味久不散去。
And in an attempt to reintroduce me to sanctity,
为了让我再次圣洁，
my mother told me of the miracle I was, said I could grow up to be anything I want.
我的母亲告诉我，有如奇迹一般的我，长大以后可以随心所欲。
I decided to be a boy. It was cute.
我决定要当个男孩。真是可爱。
I had snapback, toothless grin, used skinned knees as street cred,
我戴鸭舌帽、满口无牙咧嘴而笑，以破皮膝盖取得街头信誉，
played hide and seek with what was left of my goal. I was it.
玩捉迷藏就是我所剩下的目标。我就是那样。
The winner to a game the other kids couldn't play,
我是这场游戏的赢家，其他孩子连玩都不会，
I was the mystery of an anatomy, a question asked but not answered,
我在解剖学中是个谜，是个被提出却无解的问题，
tightroping between awkward boy and apologetic girl, and when I turned 12, the boy phase wasn't deemed cute anymore.
我在举止奇怪的男孩和谦虚的女孩间徘徊，然而来到十二岁，男孩样在别人眼中已不再可爱。
It was met with nostalgic aunts who missed seeing my knees in the shadow of skirts,
怀旧的姑妈想念我裙摆下的膝盖，
who reminded me that my kind of attitude would never bring a husband home,
告诉我，以我这样的态度是不会找到丈夫的，
that I exist for heterosexual marriage and child-bearing.
我的存在是为了异性婚姻和生孩子。
And I swallowed their insults along with their slurs.
我忍耐、吞下他们的侮辱和诽谤。
Naturally, I did not come out of the closet.
自然地，我没有出柜。
The kids at my school opened it without my permission.
我同校的孩子们未经我允许打开了这个柜子。
Called me by a name I did not recognize, said "lesbian," but I was more boy than girl, more Ken than Barbie.
他们用一个我没听过的名字叫我：“蕾丝边”（女同性恋者），我比起女孩更像男孩，我更像是肯而不是芭比。
It had nothing to do with hating my body, I just love it enough to let it go,
无关憎恨我的身体，我让它离开是因为太爱它了，
I treat it like a house, and when your house is falling apart, you do not evacuate,
我把身体当做一个房子，当你的房子崩坏倒塌，你不会撤离，
you make it comfortable enough to house all your insides, you make it pretty enough to invite guests over,
你会把它变成足够舒适，能承载你的所有，你会把它变得足够漂亮，能邀请人们做客，
you make the floorboards strong enough to stand on.
你会让地板变得坚硬能够平稳站立。
My mother fears I have named myself after fading things.
我的母亲害怕我已认定自己如同已逝之人。
As she counts the echoes left behind by Mya Hall, Leelah Alcorn, Blake Brockington.
她细数那些名字和其身后的回响，米娅·霍尔，莉拉·奥尔康，布莱克·布鲁金顿。
She fears that I'll die without a whisper, that I'll turn into "what a shame" conversations at the bus stop.
她害怕我会默默死去，我会变成巴士站闲谈人们口中的“真丢脸。”
She claims I have turned myself into a mausoleum, that I am a walking casket,
她说我已经把自己变成了陵墓，我是一个移动的棺材，
news headlines have turned my identity into a spectacle,
新闻头条把我的身份变成了人间奇观，
Bruce Jenner on everyone's lips while the brutality of living in this body
布鲁斯·詹娜是人们的谈资，而生在这躯壳内的残酷现实，
becomes an asterisk at the bottom of equality pages.
却化为一颗星号，出现在平等页面的最后一行。
No one ever thinks of us as human because we are more ghost than flesh,
甚至没人将我们视为人类，因为比起活着的人，我们更像鬼，
because people fear that my gender expression is a trick, that it exists to be perverse,
因为大家害怕我的性别表现是个把戏，生来是为了和大家作对，
that it ensnares them without their consent,
不经意地蛊惑人心，
that my body is a feast for their eyes and hands and once they have fed off my queer,
对他们的眼睛和手而言，我的身体是一场盛宴，直到他们受够了我同性恋的古怪，
they'll regurgitate all the parts they did not like.
他们会吐出那些他们不喜欢的部分。
They'll put me back into the closet, hang me with all the other skeletons.
他们会把我放回衣柜，和其他的骨骼挂在一起。
I will be the best attraction.
我会成为最受欢迎的奇观。
Can you see how easy it is to talk people into coffins, to misspell their names on gravestones.
你可曾发现说服人们踏进棺材、在墓碑上写错他们的名字有多么容易。
And people still wonder why there are boys rotting, they go away in high school hallways
而大家仍疑惑为何有男孩自甘堕落，他们远离高中大门，
they are afraid of becoming another hashtag in a second
他们害怕转眼间成为下一个社群媒体的主题标签，
afraid of classroom discussions becoming like judgment day
害怕同学们的谈论变成他们的审判日，
and now oncoming traffic is embracing more transgender children than parents.
现在，更多陌生人开始拥抱变性孩童，比他们的父母还要容易接受。
I wonder how long it will be
我不知道这要多久，
before the trans suicide notes start to feel redundant,
才会让变性人自杀遗言显得过于累赘，
before we realize that our bodies become lessons about sin, way before we learn how to love them.
才会让我们了解身体不是罪的教训，然后学会如何爱身体。
Like God didn't save all this breath and mercy,
就像上帝未曾拯救我的一丝气息与怜悯，
like my blood is not the wine that washed over Jesus' feet.
就像我的血液不是洗净耶稣双脚的酒。
My prayers are now getting stuck in my throat.
我的祷告此刻哽在喉中。
Maybe I am finally fixed, maybe I just don't care,
也许我终于被拯救了，也许我根本毫不在乎，
maybe God finally listened to my prayers. Thank you.
也许上帝终于听到了我的祷告。谢谢。
