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One of the most powerful tools that we discuss in the book is open questions.
我们在书中谈论的最强大的一种工具就是开放式问题
And what we mean by that is, open questions are those questions that you possibly cannot know the answer to.
这意思就是 开放式问题是那些你可能不知道答案的问题
And what this does is allow us to be authentic.
这样我们就会比较真实
Many of us are trained in asking leading questions, meaning: “Don’t you think that…?” or, “If you had the choice, wouldn’t you…?”
很多人都受训去问诱导性问题 比如“你不觉得....吗？”或“如果你有这个机会 你不会...吗？”
Those are leading you or prompting you into a specific answer, and people feel that right away—they feel “done to” in kind of a strange way.
这些问题会引导你或促使你想出一种具体的答案 而且人们立马就会意识到 他们感觉自己被一种很奇怪的方式“操控”了
An open question is the opposite.
开放式问题恰好相反
It’s a question that, again, I couldn’t possibly know the answer to, so it would be like:
它是一个 我可能不知道答案的问题 比如
“What was the most important Christmas or holiday you remember growing up, and why was that?”
“你印象中最重要的圣诞节或节日是哪个？为什么？”
It’s that genuine curiosity in which you’re asking another person questions, that they feel received, and they feel like there’s something there that you’re really questing.
你完全是出于真正的好奇心去问别人问题 他们会感觉自己受到了认可 会觉得你确实是在问一个问题
I mean it’s really interesting, the root of the word “question” is “quest”; I’m questing to learn more about you as a person.
这很有趣 “问题”的词根是“问” 我通过提问来更多地了解你
We can’t fake that, nor should we.
这是我们伪装不出来的 也不应该装
And this is so often forgotten, especially with those who are actually even close to us—family members—
人们经常会忘记这一点 尤其是在更亲近的人身边 家人
we forget this very innate ability we all have to be genuinely very curious about one another.
我们会忘记所有人都应该由衷地对别人感到好奇这种天生能力
It’s like the first time you fell in love or the first time you met someone: you’re really interested for the first time,
就像你第一次恋爱 第一次见到某个人 第一次你会特别感兴趣
you’re so curious about them and asking them open questions, like, “Why did you take that job that you did?
对他们极度好奇 会问很多开放式问题 比如“你为什么选了那份工作？
I’m so curious to learn that.” It’s that type of questioning. Those are open questions.
我特别想知道” 就是这种问题 这是开放式问题
And never before has it been so difficult. We’re very polarized in so many ways right now.
但现在问出开放式问题变得比任何时候都难了 我们在很多方面都是两种极端
So being at the dinner table, what I would offer is first spending time, before entering into family events, to consider: what do you most want out of this?
在餐桌上 我觉得在进入家庭事件之前 人们应该先花时间想想：你最想得到的是什么？
And I think if you can answer that question truly from an authentic place it often is an answer of,
如果你能从最真诚的角度来回答这个问题 那么我觉得答案通常会是：
“I want connection; I want to spend time with my dad who maybe he doesn’t have 20 more Christmases”—
“我想跟家人建立联系 我想陪着我爸爸 他可能只剩下二十多个春秋了”
who knows what it is, but being very, very clear on your intention for that family gathering, that’s one.
谁知道呢 但你一定要非常清楚家庭聚会的目的 这是第一点
The second is using inquiry styles to, again, create bridges.
第二点是利用提问的方式来创建纽带
Having political discussions or having discussions about even sports teams can often lead to heated places,
讨论政治热点或运动新闻总能让大家聊的热火朝天
so remembering your intention in that moment and saying,
这时候一定要记住自己的目的 比如说
"My intention was to come here and connect with my father, my intention was to connect with my mother-in-law.
“我的目的是回来和我爸爸联络感情 我的目的是跟我岳母联络感情”
If I ask a bridging question in that moment, like, 'What is really important to you about the holidays?
如果我那时候问一个纽带性问题 比如“假期中有哪些事对你是最重要的？
I’m really curious, what was it like for you as a child when you met with your parents?’”
我很好奇 你作为孩子 见到父母是什么感觉呢？”
Trying to find anything that you can that will help people relate to experiences,
尽你所能找到一些能让人们联想起自己经历的事情
relate to times of strong connection for them, that will increase the connection with our families.
让他们回想起重要的时刻 这会让你和家人之间建立连接关系
And, again, I go back to those three cardinal rules: You’re not going to change another person,
还是那三条主要规则：你不要改变别人
and you can’t make them love or like you, and you can’t necessarily even make them see your perspective,
你不能迫使他们爱上或喜欢你 你甚至都不一定能让他们理解你的观点
but you certainly can respect them and respect how you treat yourself and them in those moments.
但你至少可以尊重他们 尊重自己在那些时候对待自己和他们的方式
So moving to bridging questions at least allows for a place of connection during these really important holidays.
所以问纽带性问题至少可以让你在这些非常重要的假期中跟家人有所联络
