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Well, for those of you keeping track at home, the president's friends are Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-Un,
对于在家收看节目的观众，我想说的是小特的朋友有普京和金正恩，
and his enemies are Playboy bunnies and Joe Biden.
敌人有《花花公子》兔女郎和拜登。
Did you hear about this? First Joe Biden said that he would have beaten up Trump in high school.
听说了吗？拜登说他应该在高中时期就把小特暴打一顿。
Then Trump tweeted that he'd beat Biden in a fight and Biden would go down fast and hard.
小特在“推特”中说，他想和拜登来一架，拜登肯定会重重地摔在地上。
And women everywhere said thank God we didn't elect an emotional woman to lead our country.
女性们说太幸运了，幸亏没选一名感情用事的女性当总统。
Now we have this to deal with.
我们要先解决这个问题。
That's right. Even though they're both in their 70s, Biden and Trump are talking about fighting.
没错，虽然他们都是70后，拜登和小特还在讨论打架问题。
Experts say the match would go nine rounds with 10 bathroom breaks. And it's....Ho!
专家称这场战斗将持续十轮，中间要上十次厕所。
It's crazy. Biden and Trump are threatening to beat each other up.
太疯狂了，拜登和小特威胁想打一架。
It got even weirder when Bernie Sanders ripped off his shirt and yelled, Tag me in, let's do this thing!
但奇怪的是，伯尼·桑德斯撕扯开衣服叫嚷到，我也加入。
Come at me, bro! Come at me, bro. Straight after Biden brought up the idea of fighting Trump,
来吧，冲我来，就在拜登萌生打架想法后，
the president sent this tweet, and this is real. He said, Crazy Joe Biden is trying to act like a tough guy.
小特发了“推特”，这是真事，他说疯狂的拜登不好对付。
He doesn't know me, but he would go down fast and hard, crying all the way.
他不认识我，但他将是那个倒地的人，并将一蹶不振。
Wow. Then Biden actually replied. He said, White House, bike racks, 3:00, be there!
喔，小特回答道，白宫停车棚，下午三点见！
Then Trump said, Uh, I can't. I told my dad I'd wash the car at 3:00.
小特说不行，我告诉老爸要在三点洗车。
Then Biden said, No way, you can't back out! No backsies!
之后拜登说，不可能，你不能退缩！
And then Trump said, No backsies, infinity! Hopefully they can work it out.
小特说，不能退缩无穷大，希望他们能解决这个问题。
Some tech news. I saw that since Facebook's data breach, a lot of users have deleted their accounts,
科技新闻，“脸书”数据泄漏门之后，许多用户删除了账号，
which is tough, because now they come over to your house to show you pictures of their kids in person.
这对于他们太难了，因为他们开始去别人房门外，拿着孩子照片给别人看。
And you're like, Yeah, that's great. Like, like, like.
就像这样，赞赞赞。
Last night Mark Zuckerberg said he's focused on rebuilding trust. Facebook users said that lying is unacceptable.
昨晚马可说他将重新塑造信心，“脸书”用户说说谎是不可原谅的。
Then went back to RSVP'ing; yes to events they'll never go to.
这导致他们不得不回到“立即回复”状态。
It's like, uh, maybe? Listen to this. Marvel is calling the upcoming film, Avengers: Infinity War
或许吧？漫威公司称即将上映的《复仇者联盟3: 无限战争》
the most ambitious crossover ever. Though, I'm pretty sure the most ambitious crossover ever
将是跨度最大的电影，尽管我坚信跨度最大的应该是
is actually President Trump's hair. I mean, it starts here, and it's like....
小特的头发，开始是这样，最后是这样。
I told you, I think he uses a Dyson Airblade. Does he really? Yeah.
我觉得他用的是戴森干手器，真的吗？没错。
I saw that Toys "R" Us is having a giant, going out of business sale.
玩具反斗城开始大减价。
So you can either go to the store today and pay half price or pay nothing at the dumpster behind the store tomorrow.
你可以选择今天去，买半价商品，或是明天去商店后面的废料箱捡东西，你不用花一分钱。
It's up to you. You make your plans. I don't make plans.
由你决定，你自己定，我不做决定。
I heard about a man in Arizona who called the police, asking if the dinosaur decorations in his local park were real dinosaurs.
听说亚利桑那州一男子报案，询问当地公园的恐龙装饰是否是真恐龙。
The cops said no, but the mushrooms you ate were definitely real, so...Sit down, maybe.
警察说不是真的，但你吃的蘑菇一定是真的，坐下来歇会吧。
Finally, you guys, Easter is coming up, and a lot of people are getting ready for the big holiday.
最后复活节就要来了，许多人开始准备过节了。
So we went down to the NBC Plaza to ask people about their Easter plans.
我们前往了NBC广场，询问人们的复活节计划。
The only catch is, they all had to answer with a mouthful of Peeps.
但人们的嘴里要装满棉花糖果来回答。
I'll show you what I mean in another installment of Where My Peeps At? Here we go.
来看看最新一期的《我的棉花糖都干什么用了》。
Where my Peeps at, ooh. What are your plans for Easter?
我的棉花糖都干什么用了，你复活节有什么计划？
I'm going to my mother's. My mother's house.
我要去我妈妈，我妈妈家。
What was that last part? Do you really want to know? I have to get a colonoscopy.
你刚才说什么？你真的想知道吗？我要做一个结肠镜检查。
Eat Peeps. Eat Peeps. We've got a great show tonight! Give it up for the Roots, everybody!
吃棉花糖，吃棉花糖，今晚的节目很精彩，掌声送给紫金合唱团。
