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So I knew this guy who thought he did everything he could for his wife, but the wife was just completely unhappy.
这个伙计觉得他为妻子做了很多，但他的妻子却完全高兴不起来。
And he couldn't understand why. He would say, But look! I'm doing all these things for her... But here was the reality...
他不明白为什么。他说，“瞧，我为她做了这么多…”但事实是…
He never told her how much he loved her, he never told her how beautiful she was.
他从来没有告诉过她，他有多么爱她，也从来没有告诉过她，她是有多么漂亮。
In his mind it was like, Why is all that fluff necessary?
他总觉得，这么做有必要吗？
I make sure to support the family, and take out the trash, and fix things...
我肯定会照顾家庭，倒垃圾，修理东西…
I'm showing her real love, why are those extra words necessary?
我给她真正的爱，为什么还有必要说些多余的话呢？
Alright, so that is the equivalent of someone who speaks English going to China
好吧，这就像是，一个讲英语的人去中国
and speaking with people who don't understand English,
和不懂英语的人说英语，
and being confused about why it's not working... Why don't they understand me?!
还因为交流不了而感到非常困惑，为什么他们听不懂我说什么？
I'm speaking English, it's the best language in the world, how can they not understand me?
我说的是英语，世界上最好的语言，怎么能听不懂呢？
So the whole idea here is that people speak different love languages.
所以这里的意思就是表明人们也会用不同的爱的语言。
In this example, the man's love language was acts of service.
在这个例子里，男士的爱语是服务行动。
And his wife's love language was words of affirmation.
而他妻子的爱语是肯定言辞。
And he spoke the language of acts of service and expected his wife to feel loved,
他用“服务行动”这种语言期望妻子能感受到爱，
which is again kind of like speaking to a Chinese person who doesn't speak English
就有点像是对不懂英语的中国人讲英语，
and being surprised and angry that he doesn't understand you.
还因为对方听不懂而感到惊讶和生气。
So the five love languages are: Words of Affirmation. Quality Time. Receiving Gifts. Acts of Service and Physical Touch.
所以这五种爱的语言是：言辞肯定，品质时间，接受礼物，服务行动和肢体接触。
And one of the things that has made my relationship with my girlfriend so enjoyable for over two years now
我和女朋友在两年时间里能够保持关系稳定的一个重要原因是
is that we have the same primary love language,
我们有共同的主要爱语，
and it's quality time which is closely followed by physical touch.
就是品质时间，紧随其后的是肢体接触。
The most enjoyable thing for us is when we cook an amazing dinner and then sit down
我们最享受的事情就是，做一顿大餐，然后坐下来
and just spend time with each other. Or when we go on a date and just spend time together.
和彼此共度时光。或者是我们约会的时候也很享受彼此的陪伴。
And it's the same thing with physical touch.
肢体接触也是同样的。
We can sit around for literally hours just holding and touching each other and it doesn't have to be anything sexual.
我们可以坐上几个小时，仅仅拥抱一下，而没有进一步的表示。
So that works out really well but for her, words of affirmation are really important as well.
所以真的挺顺利的，但是对她来说，言辞肯定也是很重要的。
For me, I don't really care so much about it. I don't have to be told how pretty I am every day,
对我来说，我并不是很在意这一点。我不需要每天都有人夸我多么漂亮，
I'm fine without that. But at the same time, I don't make the mistake of thinking,
就算没人夸，也没事。但同时，我没有犯这种思想错误，
Well, I don't need it so it's not important. No, I tell her how beautiful she is, because why wouldn't I?
那就是，我不需要就说明它不重要了吗。不，我会告诉她，她是有多么美丽，为什么不说呢？
Even though that's something that I personally don't need I find it really enjoyable to do it for her.
尽管我个人并不需要那样，但我也乐于为了她而去那么做。
Now here's a little difference between the book and this...
现在呢书上和这里有一点小不同…
The whole idea in the book is to figure out what your partner's need is and then meet that need.
全书的思想是找出并满足你伴侣的需要。
So let's say you've been married for 30 years, and you hate each other,
如果你已经结婚了30年，你们都很讨厌对方，
that can be a great way to make the relationship better.
那这样做能极大的改善你们的关系。
But the ideal situation for me is to start with a person who has about the same disposition as you.
但对我来说，理想的状态是和一个有相同性情的人重新开始。
So going back to my girlfriend, we have almost an identical disposition except for words of affirmation. But that's fine...
所以回到我女朋友这里，除了言辞肯定这一点，我们几乎有相同的性格。但是也没事…
That's a language that even though isn't natural to me,
虽然我并不擅长说那种话，
I like it, I want to speak it. It's kind of like French,
但是我喜欢它，我想说。就像法语一样，
it might not be my natural language, but I like it.
虽然我不擅长，但是我喜欢它。
But... And there's a huge BUT here... Let's say her primary love language was acts of service.
但是…这里有个巨大的转折…比方说她的主要爱语是服务行动。
What that means is that she's not going to feel loved when we cook an amazing dinner,
那就意味着当我们做了一顿大餐，
and sit down, and look at each other, and appreciate each other.
坐下互相凝视并感激对方的时候，她不会感受到爱。
She's going to feel loved when I take out the trash.
当我倒垃圾的时候她才会感受到爱。
Now the advice is, well, figure out that that's what she needs and then do it,
建议就是，搞清楚她需要什么，然后对症下药，
and you know what, I could do that in the short run. But in the long run, that's going to lead to resentment.
你知道吗，短期内我可以那么做。但如果长期下来，我会疯掉的。
I just hate the whole idea of even thinking about it.
就算只是想到这个主意我都会感到厌烦。
So I guess if you've been married for 30 years, and everything sucks,
所以我猜如果你已经结婚30几年，所有事都很糟糕的话，
then yes, taking out the trash and meeting her need can make your relationship way better than it is.
是的，倒垃圾，满足她的需求，这都可以让你们的关系变得好一些。
But my advice for a truly amazing relationship would be to to pick a partner with roughly the same disposition.
但是对于一段真正舒服的关系来说，我的建议是选择一个性格大致相似的伴侣。
It's kind of like, if you hate German. You just hate the way it sounds,
这就像是，你讨厌德语。只是讨厌它的发音，
you never want to hear it in your life, and then you start a relationship with a German girl.
你一辈子都不想听见，然后你和一个德国女孩开始了一段感情。
And you get the advice, Well, just meet her need and speak German with her.
你吸取了建议，满足她的需求，和她讲德语。
And yes, it will be better than talking with her in a language that she doesn't understand,
是的，这比用她不懂的语言跟她交流要好得多，
but it would also be way better to start with a French girl because you love French.
但是如果和一个法国女孩开始的话也许会更好，因为你喜欢法语。
So those are the five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time,
所以这五种爱的语言是：言辞肯定，优质时间，
Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch.
接受礼物，服务行动和肢体接触。
And my advice would be, figure out what your love language is...
我的建议是，搞清楚你自己的爱语是什么…
Try to find a partner who has a similar disposition.
尝试找一个相同性情的伴侣。
Realize that there will be slight differences, like words of affirmation in my situation,
要知道多少会存在一些不同之处，比如我和我女朋友在言辞肯定这方面的小差异，
and adjust to that if that's going to be something that you know you will enjoy.
如果你能坦然接受这种差异，那就尝试去适应。
But otherwise, if it's something that you know you don't like,
否则，如果你不喜欢，
don't just be like, Well, I'll just accommodate that.
就不要说什么“我会适应的。”
I guess if you're in a relationship which you're not going to get out of for different reasons like marriage,
我觉得如果是出于某些原因，比如婚姻，你并不想摆脱这种关系，
then that can be the best thing that you can do, but otherwise,
那这就是你可选择的最好方法，否则，
make sure you're going to enjoy meeting your partner's needs.
请确定你将会很乐于满足对方的需求。
You don't want to be the guy who only enjoys physical touch during sex
你是个喜欢亲密接触的家伙
stuck with a girl who wants to snuggle on the couch for three hours, and trying to accommodate that.
却要去适应着和一个只想在沙发上依偎几个小时的女孩在一起，你肯定不想这样。
And you don't want to be the girl who enjoys going on amazing dates and spending quality time
你是个喜欢约会和共度美好时光的女孩，
stuck with a guy who doesn't feel loved by that and instead feels loved when you wash his dishes.
却要和一个不懂浪漫只会从洗碗中感受到爱的男生在一起，这肯定也不符合你的预期。
