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Let me take a selfie?
让我拍个自拍吧？
The funny thing is, people used to call me butt-ugly.
可笑的是过去人们叫我大丑女。
In my 7th-grade yearbook, I was literally voted "Most butt."
七年级的年鉴里，我被票选为最丑霉女。
So I took a lesson from Corynn McWatters, I blew out my curls and pushed up the girls, corrected my vision,
我效仿科琳·麦克沃特斯，吹起大波浪，挤出事业线，矫正视力，
stepped up my nutrition, traded likes for likes, and before long, I was instafamous.
改善营养，以赞换赞，没过多久我就一跃成为网络红人。
I have 263,000 friends, followers...and instaquaintances.
我一共有263，000个好友 、粉丝以及Instagram好友。
Not to mention the love and respect of my coworkers, who happen to be on board.
更不用说同事们对我的爱与尊重，他们恰好也在同一航班上。
Got the upgrade, ladies. Don't be jelly, Linda.
姐升舱了，各位。不要羡慕嫉妒恨哟，琳达。
Is that one of ours?
她是咱们公司的吗？
Eliza Dooley, our company's best-performing sales rep?
伊莉莎·杜丽，公司业绩最佳的销售代表？
Yeah.
没错。
She's our best sales rep?
她是最佳销售代表？
That can't be true.
不可能吧。
That's the magic of the miniskirt...no one's immune, including Miller from legal, who happens to be...
超短裙的魔力，无人能挡，包括法律部的米勒，只是他...
Married, isn't he?
结婚了，对吧？
She hasn't picked up on that yet.
她还没意识到这一点。
She's been a little too busy making sure her lipstick matches her thong.
她光忙着口红要和丁字裤搭配了。
How do you know so much about her lipstick and her thong?
你怎么知道她口红和丁字裤事情？
I follow her on instagram. Very classy.
我在Instagram上关注了她。非常美艳。
What is this, her breakfast?
这是她的早餐吗？
See, this is exactly what I can't stand.
我就是受不了这些东西。
Social media is this...is this giant fingernail scratching this woman's itch for constant attention.
社交媒体就像是巨大的指甲，不断挠着这个女人渴望被关注的痒。
Giant fingernail.
巨大的指甲。
Oh, look at me.
看啊，
Something good happened.
发生了好事，
blessed.
真好。
Oh, look at me.
快看啊，
Something bad happened.
发生了坏事，
still blessed.
依然很好。
I'm at the gym. gym flow.
我在健身房，#健身控。
I'm at work.workflow.
我在工作，工作控。
Oh, I'm standing near a baby.
我旁边有个小宝宝，
baby flow, circle of life, blessed.
宝宝控。生命轮回，真好。
Your volume is really high right now.
你声音有点大。
Why does her generation feel compelled to tweet every item that goes into their mouths, including Miller from marketing's...
为什么这一代人要把嘴巴碰过的东西都发到推特上，包括市场部米勒的…
Warm nuts?
热坚果
Thanks.
谢谢。
