原文：

My favorite toy in childhood was a kit for circuits which looked very similar to the popular toy, Snap Circuits Extreme, sold in America nowadays. I still remember that the first time I found that circuits kit in the store, I earnestly asked my mother to buy that kit for me as a present. I was only eight years old at that time, so both my mother and I were not aware of the importance of buying me that kit to my future career path until several years later. My story with circuits then started. The kit contained more than 50 pieces and I spent much time during my childhood in using them to create my own experiments and build over hundred exciting projects. In retrospect, it is obvious that my strong interest in doing work related circuits was developed from that period and my creativity was trained by that educational fun game as well.

In September 2010, I was admitted to Zhejiang University, one of the top three universities in China, and I was enrolled into the College of Engineering in Zhejiang University, which also ranks as one of the top three engineering schools in China. Motivated by my dream to be an outstanding electrical engineer, I poured my endeavor into academics enthusiastically and reaped what I sowed. I ranked among the top 4% in the College of Engineering for the first two years, and then to prepare my dream with adequate knowledge, I declared major in Electrical Engineering in my junior year without any hesitation. Zhejiang University is most famous for its College of Electrical Engineering, and this was the primary reason why I chose to attend Zhejiang University.

During my undergraduate study in Zhejiang University, I am constantly achieving and maintaining an excellent GPA (3.84/4.00). I have taken Engineering Electromagnetic Fields & Waves, in which I learned the Maxwell's equations, the foundation of classical electrodynamics, with steps and dominant emphasis. Taking such specialized engineering courses provided me with a solid foundation for working at the interface between mathematics and physics, which are the roots of my dream. Besides taking courses in Electrical Engineering, I also attempted to extend my scope by undertaking some extra-curricular projects in Electrical Engineering. By doing so, I wanted to establish a more comprehensive perception of how the theoretical knowledge could be applied to practical uses.

While class learning equips me with theoretical knowledge, lab experiences lead me on the road of scientific maturity. With great conditions offered to us by ZJU, I made significant progress during my undergraduate study in basic electronics. In my sophomore year, I designed a wave function generator, which generates three different outputs. This was the first time I could design a functional circuit, and through wiring, welding, and testing by myself, I turned it into a circuit board with practical function. The time I saw my design presented in front of me, I could not help expressing my excitement, just like a mother looks at her child, with full love and pride. Besides, I was devoted to a myriad of experiments such as three-phase rectifiers design, second-order circuit transient response, integrated operational amplifier design and the relay protection experiment. My strong interest and enthusiasm always motivate me to spend a great deal of time exploring ideas and tweak devices to reach the best results.

One of my most memorable experiences is my patent application in my junior year. It was actually a challenge for me. I accepted it and thus obtained a deeper understanding of electrical engineering. Under the guide of Professor Jiaqiang Yang (one of my referees), I collaborated with one classmate on an independent project focusing on a high precision weighing device based on DSP. The goal of the project was to improve the processing capacity of the weighing device for micro-signal, furthermore, to achieve the goal of high precision. To quantitatively evaluate the function of the device, I proposed a mathematical model, and then analyzed the Wheatstone bridge. Based on such preparations, I successfully found that the core to realize our goal was to improve the precision of sensors with the external power supply. Despite the failures I met during the application, I never gave up and ultimately succeeded in the application of the patent, which meant my dream was thriving towards sunshine.

Looking back, I've dealt with a range of relevant topics such as economic dispatch, optimization methods with constraints and static security analysis, and have got familiar with multiple research techniques. These research experiences have opened a door towards the scientific world of electrical engineering for me. Looking forward, I will devote myself into research in my area, hoping to make a contribution for a variety of essential but unsolved issues.

Attracted by the powerful ability of academic knowledge to solve the complicated problems of power system and the indispensability of power system to our daily life, I will continue to dedicate to the relevant research in my future study. Driven by the goal to make scientific and technological breakthroughs, I'm eager to be an outstanding engineer by devoting myself to the research of electrical engineering, since it abides with my long-held interests.

My current research interest lies in, but not limited to, energy and power system. I am now engaged in my graduation project about Micro-Grid, which is an interface between new energy and electrical engineering. By my scrutiny of your departmental website, I am glad to know that you place great pride in your interdisciplinary work ethic and provide a variety of resources, especially the Power Systems Engineering Research Center, which not only matches my academic background, but also aligns well with my interest and passion. In addition, Power Systems has a promising future and I really expect to contribute to this area. Therefore, I'm eager to be a part of your program, since the interdisciplinary training and strong academic atmosphere will certainly help me become a successful researcher to make discoveries in this kind of new technologies.

Others judge me by what I've done, but I hope you judge me by what I am capable doing. I am going one more round even when others don't think I can, and make a difference in my life. I am positive that the graduate training from your program can equip me with great insights and strong expertise, and UIUC, will definately be the place where I can realize my dream.

批改后：

My favorite toy in childhood was a kit for circuits which looked very similar to the popular toy, Snap Circuits Extreme, sold in America nowadays. I still remember that the first time I found that circuits kit in the store, I earnestly asked my mother to buy that kit for me as a present. I was only eight years old at that time, so both my mother and I were not aware of the importance of buying me that kit to my future career path until several years later.(从第二句到这里基本都可以省略，要记住开头的小故事只是为你之后的描述做一个铺垫去吸引AO) My story with circuits then started. The kit contained more than 50 pieces and I spent much time during my childhood in using them to create my own experiments and build over hundred exciting projects. In retrospect, it is obvious that my strong interest in doing work related circuits was developed from that period and my creativity was trained by that educational fun game as well. (从玩这个东西引申出如此大的专业兴趣，个人觉得有点牵强，可是适当在其中加点过渡)

In September 2010, I was admitted to Zhejiang University, one of the top three universities in China, and I was enrolled into the College of Engineering in Zhejiang University, which also ranks as one of the top three engineering schools in China. (这里可以精简点，浙大很好这个是大家都知道的，所以个人觉得可以稍微提一下就好，说太多炫耀的成分过了)Motivated by my dream to be an outstanding electrical engineer, I poured my endeavor into academics enthusiastically and reaped what I sowed. I ranked among the top 4% in the College of Engineering for the first two years, and then to prepare my dream with adequate knowledge, I declared major in Electrical Engineering in my junior year without any hesitation. Zhejiang University is most famous for its College of Electrical Engineering, and this was the primary reason why I chose to attend Zhejiang University. (就像上面讲的，这点就可以不要提， 关键还是以专业角度为准)

During my undergraduate study in Zhejiang University, I am constantly achieving and maintaining an excellent GPA (3.84/4.00). I have taken Engineering Electromagnetic Fields & Waves, in which I learned the Maxwell's equations, the foundation of classical electrodynamics, with steps and dominant emphasis. Taking such specialized engineering courses provided me with a solid foundation for working at the interface between mathematics and physics, which are the roots of my dream. Besides taking courses in Electrical Engineering, I also attempted to extend my scope by undertaking some extra-curricular projects in Electrical Engineering. (举例子是王道)By doing so, I wanted to establish a more comprehensive perception of how the theoretical knowledge could be applied to practical uses.

While class learning equips me with theoretical knowledge, lab experiences lead me on the road of scientific maturity. With great conditions offered to us by ZJU, I made significant progress during my undergraduate study in basic electronics. In my sophomore year, I designed a wave function generator, which generates three different outputs. This was the first time I could design a functional circuit, and through wiring, welding, and testing by myself, I turned it into a circuit board with practical function. The time I saw my design presented in front of me, I could not help expressing my excitement, just like a mother looks at her child, with full love and pride.(显示出成就感或者是喜爱的感情是没错，注意用语。保持整体文风的一致) Besides, I was devoted to a myriad of experiments such as three-phase rectifiers design, second-order circuit transient response, integrated operational amplifier design and the relay protection experiment.(这些活动让你得到了什么) My strong interest and enthusiasm always motivate me to spend a great deal of time exploring ideas and tweak devices to reach the best results.

One of my most memorable experiences is my patent application in my junior year. It was actually a challenge for me. I accepted it and thus obtained a deeper understanding of electrical engineering. Under the guide of Professor Jiaqiang Yang (one of my referees), I collaborated with one classmate on an independent project focusing on a high precision weighing device based on DSP. The goal of the project was to improve the processing capacity of the weighing device for micro-signal, furthermore, to achieve the goal of high precision. To quantitatively evaluate the function of the device, I proposed a mathematical model, and then analyzed the Wheatstone bridge. Based on such preparations, I successfully found that the core to realize our goal was to improve the precision of sensors with the external power supply. Despite the failures I met during the application, I never gave up and ultimately succeeded in the application of the patent, which meant my dream was thriving towards sunshine.

Looking back, I've dealt with a range of relevant topics such as economic dispatch, optimization methods with constraints and static security analysis, and have got familiar with multiple research techniques. These research experiences have opened a door towards the scientific world of electrical engineering for me. Looking forward, I will devote myself into research in my area, hoping to make a contribution for a variety of essential but unsolved issues.

Attracted by the powerful ability of academic knowledge to solve the complicated problems of power system and the indispensability of power system to our daily life, I will continue to dedicate to the relevant research in my future study. Driven by the goal to make scientific and technological breakthroughs, I'm eager to be an outstanding engineer by devoting myself to the research of electrical engineering, since it abides with my long-held interests.

My current research interest lies in, but not limited to, energy and power system. I am now engaged in my graduation project about Micro-Grid, which is an interface between new energy and electrical engineering. By my scrutiny of your departmental website, I am glad to know that you place great pride in your interdisciplinary work ethic and provide a variety of resources, especially the Power Systems Engineering Research Center, which not only matches my academic background, but also aligns well with my interest and passion. In addition, Power Systems has a promising future and I really expect to contribute to this area. Therefore, I'm eager to be a part of your program, since the interdisciplinary training and strong academic atmosphere will certainly help me become a successful researcher to make discoveries in this kind of new technologies.

Others judge me by what I've done, but I hope you judge me by what I am capable doing. I am going one more round even when others don't think I can, and make a difference in my life. I am positive that the graduate training from your program can equip me with great insights and strong expertise, and UIUC, will definately be the place where I can realize my dream.(再加点具体的UIUC吸引你的点就好了)

TPO小站综合点评及批改意见：

整体文章的结构和思路还是把握的比较 OK，小细节方面还需要改进下。 后半部分的LAB等经历，如果能够详略结合，专业角度和广度再平衡下就会更加好。简而言之，加些更加有SHOCK度的东西进去(牛气)我觉得也是可以的。