Topic（题目）：

Do you agree or disagree? Extended families are not as important as they were in the past.

Target text（文章正文）:

Nowadays, numerous claims have been made that extended family is not as important as it was in the past. From my perspective, nevertheless, extended family always plays a significant role in our daily lives.

Firstly, it is a truth universally acknowledged that extended family forms a tight-knot social group that is tremendously important. Many people have dilemma to make decisions unless they ask their family members for advice. In addition, if one of their family members has made mistakes, they are able to provide suggestions to avoid the predictable mistakes. A case in point is that in Spring Festival last year, my family gathered and had a large meal. My sister Maria was to enter university and she pondered whether she should do a part-time job. After my mother heard about Maria’s problem, she told Maria that it was absolutely significant to get a part-time job. Not only can a part-time job make her more experienced in social skills, it also makes her not overwhelmed by high expenses such as rent. My mother let Maria know things to keep an eye on. Thus, Maria both found a job and did not make many mistakes.

Secondly, there is no denying that the family connection can helo a lot when others are in need. The members of an extended family are more likely to receive help from other members when they need something desperately. For instance, my cousin Chris is of greatly intelligence but he is too shy to obtain an opportunity to perform. He knows a lot about physics but his speech audience is only our family. My uncle knows a university professor who is a theoredical physicist and he grabbed the chance to introduce my cousin to the professor. The professor had s meeting with Chris and was impressed. Now Chris tutors undergraduates in school and enjoys his salaries. If my uncle did not know the professor, Chris might never find a chance to prove himself and contribute to physics studying. In another word, the members of an extended family choose to benefit each other firstly because they are a family.

From what has been discussed above, we can draw the conclusion that extended families are as important as they were previously. On one hand, family members can get suggestions and advice from the experienced members, on the other hand, the members can benefit others enormously through relationship connection. People who came from an extended family are more capable to win in study, work and life.

Revised essay（批改后）：

Nowadays, numerous claims have been made that extended family is not as important as it was in the past. [这种引题老套俗气，而且也是纯属编造] From my perspective, nevertheless, extended family always plays a significant role in our [the] daily lives.

Firstly, it is a truth universally acknowledged that extended family forms a tight-knot social group that is tremendously important. Many people have [face] dilemma to make decisions unless they ask their family members for advice. [逻辑上太绝对了，难道说向家庭成员咨询意见之后，就不会有这种困境了吗?] In addition, if one of their family members has made mistakes, they are able to provide suggestions to avoid the predictable mistakes. [已经犯了错，怎么能避免这个错?只能说尽量避免带来的后果] A case in point is that in Spring Festival last year, my family gathered and had a large meal. My sister Maria was to enter university and she pondered whether she should do a part-time job. After my mother heard about Maria’s problem, she told Maria that it was absolutely significant to get a part-time job. Not only can a part-time job make her more experienced in social skills, it also makes her not overwhelmed by high expenses such as rent. My mother let Maria know things to keep an eye on. Thus, Maria both found a job and did not make many mistakes. [再读一下你的例子，你只是在最后一句话里面提到了mistake而已，前面和你想证明的观点，有多少联系?你的铺垫也太长了]

Secondly, there is no denying that the family connection can helo [拼写错误] a lot when others are in need. The members of an extended family are more likely to receive help from other members when they need something desperately. For instance, my cousin Chris is of greatly intelligence but he is too shy to obtain an opportunity to perform. He knows a lot about physics but his speech audience is only our family. My uncle knows a university professor who is a theoredical physicist and he grabbed the chance to introduce my cousin to the professor. The professor had s [a]meeting with Chris and was impressed. Now Chris tutors undergraduates in school and enjoys his salaries. If my uncle did not know the professor, Chris might never find a chance to prove himself and contribute to physics studying. In another word, the members of an extended family choose to benefit each other firstly because they are a family. [例子部分尽量简洁一些，前因后果还可以更清楚]

From what has been discussed above, we [这是你在写作，你得出的结论，改为i] can draw the conclusion that extended families are as important as they were previously. On one hand, family members can get suggestions and advice from the experienced members, on the other hand, the members can benefit others enormously through relationship connection. People who came from an extended family are more capable to win in study, work and life.

TPO小站综合点评及批改意见：

表述能力比较弱，没有出彩的地方。应尽量积累好的表达

语法错误不多，这点不错，继续努力。

预估分数：3.3

学习建议：

1、尝试用反面观点来进行论证。

2、写文章前先制定写作大纲。

3、写作是需要注意使用的论证方式，写好之后要回看修改。

4、注意论据和论点之间的关系要紧密。

5、论证方式要多样化。

6、注意论据要多用细节。看是否有更多的论据来支撑观点。