个人陈述批改：申请德国文学硕士专业。TPO小站批改意见。整篇文章行文结构有些杂乱无序，建议重新组织文章结构。第一段，开篇写学习语言的动机，篇幅过长，建议做精简。第二段有写的是学习德语的动机，第一第二段之前，没有相应的过渡，因此显得思维有些跳跃，建议增添过渡，以使上下文更为流畅。第三段是在描述学习情况，建议将具体的学习成绩及擅长科目明晰出来。

原文：

After graduating from junior high school, I was on a trip in Beijing alone. When I was in the Forbidden City, reading an introduction of one site, suddenly, a shadow was over my head. I thought it was cloud, but I found he was standing there, starring at me. I stood up and several English words came out of my mouth. We chatted, hang around, and had meal together at noon. His name is Zeke, alone in China, from California, a Spanish teacher in senior high school. He was also alone. I proposed to travel together so that I could practice my spoken English and he was able to have a guide and translator for free. After Beijing, we were in Xi'an, Guilin. In the next year, he was not able to resist the attraction of Chinese food and came back. We traveled again in several cities in China. This time, he paid me for accompanying with him. This was the first time that I realized that learning a foreign language was so useful.

TPO小站综合点评及批改意见：

这一段主要是介绍学习外语的动机，篇幅过长，建议做精简。

Because of that experience, I decided to learn another language in university. Football is one of my hobby. Almost on every weekend I watch Bundesliga through Internet. Once I was happened to hear a soccer commentary in German, the powerful language gave me a impressive impression. And that's why I finally choused German as my major. Right now, I am studying German at Northwestern Polytechnical University, which is one of the key universities in China.

这一段主要是讲学习德语的动机，因此建议添加过渡，使上下段落读起来更为流畅。

I'm not content with the knowledge that I learn. I engage myself in sharing what I learn to others. The knowledge is useful only when you use it to make something useful for others. Therefore, I attended the German Club in our university since my sophomore year. There, I work as a teacher who teaches students whose majors are not German basic German Grammar and situation about Germany. Doing this job not only enhance my academic knowledge, but also let me achieve my self-worth. Everytime when I step on the platform, seeing the desiring eyes looking at me, there is a sense of satisfaction pushes me forward. I personally want to be a professor at university in the future. The outgoing, talkative and obliging personality is my preponderance.

建议要具体说明学习成绩以及擅长科目。另外，对于对于学习方法及心得，也需要进一步深入。建议结合英语的学习方法来阐释些德语的习得和你所感兴趣的方面---德语文化/德国历史/德语词性的研究/起源等。

In the first semester of my junior year, I was selected as an exchange student to study at Fu Jen Catholic University in Taiwan, which gave an unforgettable experience. The education system in Taiwan has many imparities than it is in China. It's like western system. Only a small amount of courses is required. Students have great freedom to select the seminars that they like. Although being in an unfamiliar environment, there is no problem for me to get used to the new life and study style. I met a group of international students from all over the world. Before holidays coming, I would organize different activities and post it on Facebook to inform them. The biggest one is on 10th October 2013, there were about 30 members. We went to Taipei Palace Museum at day time and danced at a bar in the center of Taipei at night. While having fun, I also got excellent grades. My average grade point is 87.95 on 100 scale, top three in the class which was composed of 60 students. Because of the great enthusiasm of languages, I put basic Korean into my course list when I was in Taiwan. I'm still learning it now. With my inclusive and enthusiasm, I believe that I can get into any culture with general ease.

注意精炼句子。段落中提及了学习韩语，那么学习韩语的目的动机是什么呢。因此建议增添内容，说明对各种语系的理解。比如韩语是比较简单跟汉字比较接近的语系，但是英语和德语就是高加索，拉丁语什么的发源而来。

As for my academic interests, I have to mention German literature. Post-war German literature is especially to my interests. If I am asked to pick up a topic to do my research, I usually choose one that is linked not only to German literature. I suppose that there are some common features in all literature works. Cross culture researches are more challenging and interesting, which provide people with distinct views that are against the traditional ones. I recently did a research about Wolfgang Borchert's short stories. I focused on the Hemingway's theory of omission reflected in his stories set against the situations in post-war Germany. In my further study, I would like to do researches about the comparison about modern German and North American literature.

这段的逻辑性不强，注意加强逻辑性以使行文流畅。

I am now applying to the University of British Columbia, which is one of the best universities in Canada and the world. One reason that I choose to apply your university is that studying German literature in an English speaking country will enrich my experience and increase my competence after graduation. Secondly, your university also have PhD program for German major students. Pursuing Doctoral Degree is one of my goals. At last but not least, when I asked Zeke for advice, he told me that he has a friend graduated from UBC. His friend said that UBC is an ideal university for research. The concept of teaching in UBC is to encourage students to find ways that are out of ordinary to study. The opportunities that UBC provides, such as international exchange programs, are beneficial for its students. All these features urge me to apply UBC.

建议将Zeke的建议挪到段首，引出对UBC的好感。然后再具体说明通过了解，UBC可以给你自己带来什么以及自己又能给UBC带来什么。另外吗，建议结合学校的优势，写出你自己的学习计划和安排。最后，建议在完成各段落修改后，建议重新组织整篇文章结构，使看起来更为通畅。