Topic（题目）：

Does new technology make life easier?

Target text（文章正文）:

Time witnesses the striking change in ourlife. Accompanied with the technological advance, we never fail to look forwardto the simplification of our life. On the other hand, someone claim that ourlife is not simplified but complicated by such technology. However ,in myperspective, in spite of some exception, it is the new tools like the Internet,high-speed rail and mobile phones that allow us lead a uncomplicated life.

Above all, Internet affords us a more direct access to latestinformation. Needless to say, providing knowledge duly and expediently,Internet holds a strong connection with our life. As a sophomore majoring theeconomic, we never cease to highlight the significance of fresh information. Well,we just clicking the keyboard and surfing the Internet, the messages will flowinto our mind, something like the new policy of American government as well asthe exchanging rate between RMB and dollars, which are necessities in thepapers. However, you can imagine, without Internet, it should be arduous for usto obtain the up-to-date information and we should have to search other medialike newspapers or magazines for the items, but some of which might have beenout of date and ,accordingly, valueless.

Secondly, high-speed rail renders us a more expeditetransportation. In other words, when it comes to saving time and money theprogressive railway contributes so much. Ever year, especially during thespring festival, eager and anxious, millions of citizens including students andworkers go back home by train. Meanwhile, a survey suggests that in term of thetime they taking, compared with the common train, the high-speed trains couldshorten 1-3 hours per person. It means that offering less fatigue the fastertransportation could enable us to travel more easily and mirthfully.
Last, cell phone gives us a more convenient way tocommunication. I firmly believe that the creation of phone is one of the mostcrucial feats. Granted, the new instruments sometimes bother us seriously, butin no case should we deny the significant part they play in our life. Were wefaced with some untoward emergency such as a severe hurt, wherever we are, wewould gain aid in time via making a call. In addition, employing a mobilephone, when upset and frustrated, we can chat with our family, express ouremotion and release the pressure, which could fill our live with sense ofsafety and belonging.

In summary, regardless of some flaws of them, the newforms of technology still have an irreplaceable place in the simplification ofour life. Exactly, the internet simplify the process to acquire latestinformation, the high speed rail cut down time to travel and the cell phoneease our daily life.

Revised essay（批改后）：

Time witnesses the striking change in our life[复数]. Accompanied with the technological advance, we never fail to look forward to the simplification of our life. On the other hand, someone claim that our life is not simplified but complicated by such technology. However ,in my perspective, in spite of some exception, it is the new tools like the Internet ,high-speed rail and mobile phones that allow us lead a uncomplicated life.【直接说你论点 不要含蓄】

Above all, Internet affords us a more direct access to latest information. Needless to say, providing knowledge duly and expediently, Internet holds a strong connection with our life. As a sophomore majoring the economic, we never cease to highlight the significance of fresh information. Well,[口语化] we just clicking the keyboard and surfing the Internet,【有点生硬表达】 the messages will flow into our mind, something like the new policy of American government as well as the exchanging rate between RMB and dollars, which are necessities in the papers. However, you can imagine, without Internet, it should be arduous for us to obtain the up-to-date information and we should have to search other media like newspapers or magazines for the items, but some of which might have been out of date and ,accordingly, valueless. 【短尾可以在总结一下 回到段首的分论点上 会显得论证逻辑更有了总结 就又回到分论点上了;觉得你论证逻辑还是蛮连贯严谨的 这里举了个例子后在总结一下分论点绕回去比较好。其实论证方法无非就是那几类 一句话分两句说 流线型推;从论点到个例 个例到大众 从而论点得证加缜密】

Secondly, high-speed rail renders us a more expedite transportation. 【简洁但不够出彩 这里一定要用上好的句型跟闪光词汇 做好面子活】In other words, when it comes to saving time and money the progressive railway contributes so much. Ever year, especially during thespring festival, eager and anxious, millions of citizens including students and workers go back home by train. Meanwhile, a survey suggests that in term of the time they taking【完整句子哦】, compared with the common train, the high-speed trains could shorten 1-3 hours per person. It means that offering less fatigue the faster transportation could enable us to travel more easily and mirthfully. 【英式表达习惯 你还没有培养起来 感觉就是从中文到英语逐字翻译 其实不是的 中英对照的时候 你是想想汉语意思 然后再找对应的句型表达 而不是一个词组一个词组对应 要不就显得不地道】

Last, cell phone gives us a more convenient way to communication. 【分论点就喜欢你这样简洁大方的 句子难度 闪光词汇 都有 继续保持】I firmly believe that the creation of phone is one of the most crucial feats. Granted, the new instruments sometimes bother us seriously, but in no case should we deny the significant part they play in our life. Were we faced with some untoward emergency such as a severe hurt, wherever we are, we would gain aid in time via making a call. In addition, employing a mobile phone, when upset and frustrated, we can chat with our family, express our emotion and release the pressure, which could fill our live with sense of safety and belonging. 【论证方面不是特别擅长 真的需要加强 方法举例 解释说理 对比 每段采用一个 然后流线型绕啊绕 其实就是那么回事】

In summary, regardless of some flaws of them, the new forms of technology still have an irreplaceable place in the simplification of our life. Exactly, the internet simplify the process to acquire latest information, the high speed rail cut down time to travel and the cell phone ease our daily life.【结尾干净利落 好得很】

TPO小站综合点评及批改意见：

表达功力 结构构造很好。

总体框架结构中规中矩还是挺好的 三个分论点逻辑性也还好；就是英语思维没有培养起来，词不达意，有时候用词不够精准 地道；闪光词汇、重点句型方面不是太出彩。

预估分数：24

学习建议：

1、尽量多阅读范文，模仿好的文章中作者阐述论证观点的方式。

2、多阅读不同类型话题的文章，积累专业作家针对不同话题的观点内容。

3、可以多引用别人的观点内容。

4、阅读范文过程中，注意作者如何反向论证观