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Twilight
Awkward, lip-biting teenager Bella Swan moves to Forks, Washington, where she falls in love with mysterious, moody, tan-averse Edward Cullen. Who turns out to be a vampire! But, y'know, a vegetarian one: he only eats animals. Edward and his foster brothers and sisters protect Bella when some evil vampires turn up.
Men will always be there to save us weak women
Whether Bella (Kristen Stewart) is walking in front of cars, falling off motorbikes, getting mugged, or merely condemning her soul to Hell by trying to have premarital sex, there's always a vampire (Edward, Robert Pattinson) or wolf (Jacob, Taylor Lautner) to save her. You know what us silly women are like! Always getting ourselves into situations men need to get us out of…
男人总是会在那里来解救我们这些脆弱的女人
无论贝拉(克里斯汀•斯图尔特)是走在汽车前面、从摩托车上坠落，被抢劫或者仅仅因试图有婚前性行为而遭受灵魂下地狱的谴责，总是会有一个吸血鬼(爱德华,罗伯特•帕丁森)或狼(雅各布,泰勒劳特纳)来救她。你知道我们这些傻女人像什么样的！总是会让自己陷在需要男性把我们解救的境地…
Twilight: New Moon
Edward's brother Jasper lets slip he wants to eat Bella (awkward!) so the Cullen family leave town and Bella mopes for months and months. The only person who can cheer her up is her childhood mate Jacob. Who – would you believe it? – is also a werewolf! But, you know, a really sexy one.
In Hollywood, makeovers and pointless topless scenes aren't just for girls
Between Twilight and New Moon, Taylor Lautner clearly hit the gym. In the first film, he wasn't that hot: long hair, bit scrawny, at least a foot shorter than all the other men in Forks. But by movie number two he'd had a haircut, got a tattoo and was ready to take his top off. A lot. In fact, over four films, he has 13 topless scenes, all outdoors. The films are set in Forks, Washington State, near the Canadian border, in winter, and not one character says, "Hang on, aren't you a bit… cold?"
在《暮光之城》和《新月》，泰勒劳特纳显然经常上健身房。在第一部电影里，他并没有那么性感：长发，有点骨瘦如柴的，至少比福克斯的所有其他男人矮一点。但他在第二部电影中他剪短了头发，纹身了，准备脱掉他的上衣。很多。事实上，在四部影片中，他有13个半裸的场景，所有都是户外的。影片设置华盛顿州的福克斯，靠近加拿大边境，冬天，不只一个人说：“等一下，你会不会有点…冷？”
Twilight: Eclipse
Edward's back, because he just can't live without Bella. But she wants to have sex, and he's not up for it unless they're married. "I want to bond myself to you in every way possible," she says, which is all very well but there's also an army of vampires about to arrive in Forks to try and kill Bella. Keep up.
Teenage boys are really frigid
They won't have sex with you if you're not married first! This isn't quite the way I remember it, but it was a long time ago. The only way that Edward will agree to sleep with Bella is if SHE'S MARRIED TO HIM. He's worried for her soul, you see. Er, if your name is Nick and you were at a house party in Farnborough in 2001, can I have my virginity back real quick, please? Because if not, I'm going to Hell. Which I can only imagine is Twilight films, on loop.
他们不会与你做爱如果你们没有先结婚！这并不是我确切地记得这些，但这是很久以前的事了。爱德华唯一同意与贝拉一起睡是在她嫁给了他的情况下。他担心她的灵魂，你看。呃，如果你叫尼克，你是在2001年范堡罗的一次家庭聚会上，我可以很快要回我的童贞吗？因为如果没有，我就要去地狱。我只能想象的是《暮光之城》的电影，在循环。
Twilight: Breaking Dawn
Bella and Edward get married, have a lovely wedding, go on their honeymoon, have THE SEX, but then Bella realises she's pregnant, with a vampire baby and the NHS helpline is no use. She decides that having it is "the right thing to do".
Never complain that 'nothing happens' in Twilight movies ever again
The fifth film will make you look back nostalgically at the lip-biting, longing stares and endless silences of the first four movies. Because this one's brutal. The battle scene is 20 minutes of heads being ripped off, faces being kicked in and at one point, someone throws a baby on the fire and everyone else is all "good move, bro".
第五部电影会让你怀旧地回顾前四部影片中的轻咬嘴唇，渴望的目光和无尽的沉默。因为这一部是残暴的。战斗场景是20分钟的开头厮打，面临着被踢打，在某个时刻有人把一个婴儿扔进火里，其他人都在说“干得好，兄弟”。
