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Creative Wrong Answers
创造性错误答案
The following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and essays from elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As one teacher noted, "it is truly astonishing what weird stuff our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades!"
下面这些奇思妙语是从大中小学的试卷和作文中收集来的。正如一个老师所说：“学生们在紧迫的考试时间里和分数的重压下写出的这些精灵古怪的东西真是令人称奇呀！”
SCIENCE
关于科学的考试
H2O is hot water, and CO2, is cold water.
H2O是热水，CO2是冷水。（H2O为水，CO2二氧化碳）
To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
要采集硫磺的烟气，把小牛皮放在试管里放在火上烧。
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
如果你闻到一种没有气味的气体，那就有可能是一氧化碳。
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
水由两种杜松子酒构成：Oxygin和Hydrogin（分别为Oxygen和Hydrogen的误写）。Oxygin是杜松子酒原汁，Hydrogin是杜松子酒加水。
There is no Nitrogen in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.
爱尔兰没有氧，因为它在独立国家没有发现。（应为游离状态的单体氮）
Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
一次呼吸有两个步骤：先授意，然后咳吐。（应为吸inhate和呼exhale）
The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
月球和地球一样是行星，只是更死气沉沉些。
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
叶片被太阳照射后出汗就产生出露水。
A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
过饱和溶液就是装了超过溶解量的溶液。
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
蘑菇通常生长在潮湿多雨的地方，所以它们长得像雨伞。
The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.
手枪是花惟一的防止昆虫侵害的自我保护。（应为pistil雌蕊；agenst应为against）
The earth makes a resolution every 24 hours.
地球每24小时下一次决心。（应为rotation自转）
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Spices.
查尔斯·达尔文是个博物学家，他写了《香料的器官》一书。（应为On the Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection《物种起源》）
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
本杰明·富兰克林通过倒着摩擦猫产生了电。
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made men think.
进化论被大家反对是因为它使得人们思考了。
The dodo is a bird that is nearly decent now.
渡渡鸟是一种现在几乎很高雅的鸟。（应为extinct灭绝）
A thermometer is an instrument for raising temperance.
温度计是一种用来提高节制的器具。
People shouldn't be allowed to shoot extinct animals.
人为不应被允许射杀灭绝了的动物。
To remove air from a flask, fill the flask with water, tip the water out and put the cork in quick.
想要去除烧瓶中的空气，要先在烧瓶中灌满水，把水滴干，然后迅速盖上瓶盖。
A vacuum is a U-tube with a flask at one end.
真空就是一头接着烧瓶的一根U形管。
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body warps the mind.
众所周知，死尸包裹着神志。
The human is more intelligent than the beast because the human has more convulsions.
人类比动物更有智慧是因为人类更多抽搐。
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
如果环境不适宜，细菌将进入青春期。
Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
滑石（爽身粉）发现于岩石和婴儿身上。
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
一个角为135度的三角形称为下流的三角形。（应为obtuse angle钝角）
The process of turning steam into water again is called conversation.
把蒸汽再变向水的过程叫做谈话。（应为condensation冷凝）
The school is ventilated by hot currents.
学校用暖气流通风。
Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them.
除非你弯折一根或把两根都弯折，否则平行线不会相交。
By self-pollination, a farmer may get a crop of long-haired sheep.
通过自花传粉，农民能得到一种长毛羊的作物。
The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature, abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
潮汐是地球和月球之间的一场战争。水都要到月球上去，因为月球上没有水，而大自然受不了这种没有的状态。我忘了太阳是怎样参战的了。
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
化石是一种绝种了的动物，越老就越要灭绝。
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
圆是与它没有尽头的另一端交会的一条直线。
One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
马力就是你在一秒钟里把马拉出500英尺所用的力量的大小。
To prevent milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
把牛奶储存在奶牛里防止它变馊。
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
喘气时，你吸入空气。不喘气时，你就死了。
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eyelid down over the nose.
要清除眼睛里的灰尘，把眼皮拉到鼻子上。
The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
莫斯科的居民叫蚊子。
A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
人口调查员就是走街串户增加人口的人。
Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
法国的大多数房子都是用熟石膏建造的。
We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
我们在美国不养桑蚕，是因为我们从人造丝中获取丝。这是一种更大的蚕，我们可以获得更多的丝。
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
季风是一个法国绅士。（应为monsieur用于法国人名前，相当于Mr.或Sir先生）
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
雷是响声的巨大来源。
Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
等温线和等压线本身要比它们的名字听起来更重要得多。
The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
四季是盐、胡椒、芥末和醋。（season被误为seasoning调味品）
In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
每年春天，鲑鱼逆流而上游到勺子里。
Iron was discovered becasue someone smelt it.
铁被发现是因为有人闻到了它。（smelt熔炼矿石；炼取金属；这里smelt是smell闻的过去式）
One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
养牛的一个副产品是小牛。
Clouds are high flying fogs.
云是飞得高的雾。
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
发芽：加入德国籍。
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
升：一窝小狗。（应为litter猪、狗等的一窝）
Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
磁铁：死猫身上爬满的东西。（应为maggot蛆）
Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
动量：有人要离开时你给他的东西。（应为memento纪念品）
Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
行星：地球的一个被天空环抱的身体。
Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
真空：教皇住的又大又空旷的地方。
MEDICINE
关于医学的考试
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
一副恒牙包括：8个尖牙，8个犬齿，2个磨牙和8个痰盂。（应为8个切牙incisors，4个尖牙canines，8个双尖牙premolars和12个磨牙molars）
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
输血前要先检查血液是肯定的还是否定的。
For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.
流鼻血时，把鼻子放低直到心脏停止跳动。
For dog bite: Put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
狗咬伤时，把狗关几天，如果还不好就杀掉它。
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
人体的血管有三种：动脉、风向标和毛虫。（应为动脉、静脉vein和毛细血管capillary）
The largest organ in the human body is the head.
人体最大的器官是头。（应为肝脏liver）
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
血液沿一条腿向下流，再从另一条腿流回。
The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
脊柱是一组骨头，最上面是脑袋，最下面是屁股。
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
消化道位于印第安那州北部。
For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
有人晕倒时，揉擦他的胸部，如果是位女士，就揉擦她的手臂。或者把他们的头放到距离最近的医生的膝间。
For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
有人窒息时，为病人做人工呼吸直到他死掉。
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The pupose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
骨骼就是把内脏取出，把表皮取下后剩下的东西。骨骼的作用就是挂住肉。
GEORGRAPHY
关于地理的考试
A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
原始森林是人类的手尚未涉足的森林。
The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
阿尔卑斯山的大方向是直立向上的。
Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
赤道：一只穿过非洲在地球上奔跑的狮子。（应为imaginary line假想的线）
The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
上帝附近的地区气候最炎热。（应为the equator赤道）
RELIGION
关于宗教的考试
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
追随主耶稣的人被称为十二鼠。（应为Twelve Apostles十二门徒）
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
亚当和夏娃是从一棵苹果树中创造出来的。
Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.
诺亚建造了方舟，动物们在梨里登上方舟。（应为in pairs成对地）
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
埃及人都淹死在甜点里了。
LITERATURE
关于文学的考试
Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies, and he wrote "Paradise Regaines."
弥尔顿写了《失乐园》，然后他的妻子死了，他就又写了《复乐园》。
Syntax is all the moeny collected at the church from sinners.
句法是教会向罪人收取的赎罪金。（syntax应为sin tax罪孽税；或sin money赎罪金）
The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
trousers（裤子）是个不寻常的单词，因为它的上半截是单数的，而下半截是复数的。
HISTORY
关于历史的考试
In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
18世纪中叶，所有的傻子迁移到了犹他州。（应为Mormon摩门教教徒；19世纪中叶，摩门教徒西进最后定居在后来成为犹他州的土地上）
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
富兰克林死于1790年，到现在还死着。
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes.
沃尔特·罗列爵士是个历史人物是因为他发明了香烟。
Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
克里斯托弗·哥伦布是一位伟大的航海家，他在咒骂大西洋的时候发现了美洲大陆。他的三艘帆船分别叫做“尼尼亚”号、“平塔”号和“圣玛利亚”号。
Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years.
维多利亚女王是最长的女王，她在位63年。
