Hey kids, do you ever feel like life has passed you by?

Does the daily grind leave you feeling trapped in your own life like an animal in a cage?

Well, that doesn't mean you can't enjoy some fun facts about livestock while you're at it.

Today I'll be giving a tour of the life, death, and processing of the American beef cattle.

Disclaimer: this video is only a basic summary of some common industry practices.

No two farms are alike.

Some are nicer, some are worse.

I'm not a shill. Please don't get mad at me.

Now in the beginning there was nothing.

And then God said let there be light.

And it was good.

Henceforth, you shall be called Craig.

At birth the calf weighs somewhere between 60 and 100 pounds.

The males are typically castrated within the first couple of weeks, usually without anesthetic.

The main point of this is to keep the steers mellow later in life.

But it also stops their male hormones from giving the meat an aftertaste that the American pallet isn't really accustomed to.

Anyway, things started off pretty good for Craig, drinking milk, hanging out, the life.

After a while, he figures out you can eat the floor. That's cool

But then after about 10 months he gets loaded into the cattle cars.

If you're a history buff like me, you know that's not a good sign.

Little does Craig know he's been auctioned off to a feedlot 1,000 miles away.

Here the cattle are packed together like sardines, if sardines were 500-pound terrestrial mammals.

The menu consists of random roughage and energy-dense feed like corn, so they can pack on the pounds more quickly.

Overall, this environment puts a good deal of stress on the beast, which can end up taking a toll on his health.

But it's nothing a little visit from the antibiotics fairy can't fix.

Once fully grown, Craig gets taken to the packing plant.

This is where the MAGIC happens.

And by MAGIC, we mean Mechanically Automated Goring Into Commodities.

This is where things get messy, so try to forget that we gave this random animal a name a minute ago.

In order to keep things as humane as possible, a worker will first use this device referred to as a stunner.

Here's a demonstration.

This renders the beast instantly unconscious or worse, but potato potahto at this point.

Its ankle is then attached to a conveyor rail, which will gently guide the animal along the rest of its journey.

First, the cow gets to talk to this man.

He's called the sticker.

Can you guess what he does?

If you said that he gouges out throats for a living, you'd be correct.

Over the course of about a minute the flow goes from torrential downpour to incontinent poodle,

by which point our beloved bovine can continue on his way.

At the next station the cow is subjected to high-voltage electrical stimulation.

Hopefully, the nervous system is all out of steam by this point.

But if not, the boys on the killing floor will have a great story to tell their wives.

Just kidding.

The FDA estimates that 93% of meat-worker-marriages are in shambles.

Who knew that 11 hours of pure slaughter every day could desensitize a man?

Anyway, electrical stimulation basically works to speed up the onset of rigor mortis.

Getting this process out of the way means the meat won't toughen up once it reaches the freezer.

Next the carcass undergos a thorough power washing.

Like the noble mortician, this hose works to make a lifetime of filth disappear.

Unfortunately, though, beauty is only skin-deep, manure runs to the core.

So the cow must be disemboweled to prevent contamination later on.

And we might as well get rid of all these other gross bits while we're at it.

Then the Feds stick their nose in things to make sure everything is as it should be.

Mhm, mhm, mhm, yep, it's a cow.

Finally, we send it down the line, evacuate the spine, bifurcate the hind, reticulate the spline, and power wash it again just for good measure.

This whole process from bashing to slashing to splashing takes a mere 15 minutes to complete.

That means it takes the same amount of time to process three half-ton mammals and one scheduled license renewal.

Try puzzling that one out.

After hanging out in the cooler for a couple days, the beef has broken down into its many cuts: chuck, loin, sirloin, what have you.

This is the good stuff that'll get shipped off as is to barbecues, Bar Mitzvah, and bargain bins all across the country.

Then you got all these misfit bits hanging out wherever else.

Still technically flesh, so we have machines pluck it off, pulp it, and use it to make hamburgers, hot dogs, and the like.

Then all the garbage even American can't stomach is sent off to the rendering plant to be made into whatever else.

So there you have it.

I don't really have an outro, except uh...kind of gross, right?

Anyway, that's all for today.

Till next time. I'm Sam O' Nella and thank you for watching.