You suck at cooking, yeah you totally suck.

Today we're making crack slaw,

not to be confused with hacksaw, not to be confused with vac claw, not to be confused with black cloth, and not to be confused with crab sloth.

And yes I know it's a coping saw I can cut myself out, but I'm not going to go buy a hacksaw just for a bit.

Fun fact: crack slaw isn't called cracka because it has addictive properties, that's a myth.

It's because if you sneak up on cabbage when it thinks you're out of the house, you can often catch it smoking crack; and also because cabbage has a tendency to crack under pressure.

Hey, we need to talk.

We're going to start by mincing three cloves of garlic or 1.5 freakishly huge cloves of garlic.

Who am I kidding? I'm a garlic maximalist.

Let's go with all three, which is around 27 normal cloves of garlic.

But this presents us with a dilemma.

Does mincing manually actually take more time than it does to not only use the garlic press but actually wash it?

Of course, it does.

So if you have a garlic press, please use it unless you have time to waste or into mindfulness or something like that.

Now we're going to chop up a small onion.

Pick an onion, any onion. Chop the onion and cry a little bit just to show it you care.

Now we'll take some green onions and chop off the white frosted tips.

Then we'll slice up the rest of the onion so that we can cross-pollinate those oniony flavors.

Then we're going to separate those into the oniony part of the onions and the salad part of the onions.

Then you're going to want to take those white frosted tips and keep them in a special place forever.

Now we're going to get around a half teaspoon of ground ginger prepared.

This is glacial ginger fresh from the Arctic simulator.

And I'm going to grate that with the peel on into a pile of ginger iced dust, which will melt into ginger room temperature goop.

I've mentioned before that cabbage is vegan leather.

The physics of it are very interesting as it's completely waterproof.

You can actually sew it together and make a cup you can drink out of to impress your friends.

Okay, I'm not actually that careless.

I've got the real documents right over here.

Now we're going to add two tspoons of toasted sesame oil to our medium heated pan, and maybe just a little more of the sesame because I'm obsess to sesame.

And "once she starts a shimmering, it's time to start a simmering" is something you should never say.

And then we're going to add the onion and oniony parts of the green onion garlic.

And I'd say we'll cook those until they're fragrant, but like aren't these already fragrant?

Those are some strong-ass smelling ground plants if you ask me.

After wang-jangling those for a bit, we'll shove them aside and add in a pound of ground pork to our cast iron pan.

We'll get that cooking for a bit, break it up, also add in the ginger, some pepper pepper pepper and a teaspoon of salt.

Breaking up meat and mixing it together with other ingredients is known in the food industry as brang-jangling.

The main thing you need to know about cooking with cast iron is that it's important to make it your entire personality.

Practice phrases such as: Ever since I got a cast iron, or as a cast iron guy, or you see that's why I only use cast iron.

Also make sure you throw out your free weights and just pump your cast iron every single day.

Seasoning, polymer, naturally nonstick.

Oh my God. Okay full disclosure, I did actually Photoshop this.

I made my biceps look a little bit smaller so that you don't feel bad about yourself.

All right let's get back to cooking now.

It's time for the slaw portion of our recipe: the cabbage.

For this recipe, you can use purple cabbage, green cabbage.

You can use slabbage; you can use cabbage; or in some rare cases slappage.

You probably want to avoid fappage, but for this recipe we're going to use baggage.

I got this bag from a guy named Tony down at the corner.

But if you want to use the supermarket stuff that's regulated, you'll never know the thrill of playing ecoli roulette and I feel sad for you.

It was at this point I realized there was no way I was going to fit all of this cabbage into this size pan.

So I did something shameful.

And I pulled out the non-stick.

I added some oil, and I got ready to saute.

But then I thought about my cast iron bros -- how they would relentlessly mock me for not staying true to our culture.

And that gave me the strength to push forward with just one pan -- a cast iron pan.

And it got pretty tough trying to fit all this cabbage into all this pan,

but I soon discovered this tuck and pull technique, known in the food industry as a reach and round.

And it all started coming together as I reached and around again and again until I fit it all in.

I also added 3 tablespoons of soy sauce and a tablespoon of rice vinegar.

It's important to use a cabbage mix so that people don't mistake this for a bowl of dog food,

like the first time I made it because then a bunch of dogs will end up coming over for dinner, and your life will improve by around 600%,

and you won't have anything to complain about anymore so you'll completely lose your purpose.

Now you're going to want to start putting this onto your plate.

And once you get around that amount there, it's time to remember you forgot to add the Sriracha around 20 minutes ago.

So you want to put it back in the pan, heat it up again, add a tablespoon of Sriracha,

wang-jangle that, srang-jangle that, put it back in a bowl and never tell anyone about your super embarrassing mistake.

But if someone finds out, just tell them that deking out the crack slaw is called taste confusion, which results in a level of depth that's difficult to detect.

Now you can garnish it with those salady green onions and toasted sesame seeds and a couple more lines of Sriracha,

all of which are part of making it look less and less like dog food. You're welcome.

If you or a loved one are involved with cast iron, there is help.

Call 1-888-DECASTIFY to cast that iron out of your life today.