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You suck at cooking, yeah you totally suck.
你的厨艺弱爆了，完全弱爆了。
Today we're making brussels sprouts, a type of cabbage that belongs to the mustard family.
今天我们做小圆白菜，这是一种属于芥菜科的卷心菜。
That's one messed up family, just like yours.
那是一个乱七八糟的家庭，就像你一样。（注：mustard谐音messed up。）
Hey, if you slice one open and look at a cross section, you'll see that the entire thing is made of brussels sprout.
如果你把一个小圆白菜切开，看看横截面，你会发现整个菜里面都是圆白菜。
Now brussels sprouts don't really look like sprouts.
小圆白菜看起来并不像芽菜。
But that's just because it's a bunch of sprouts compacted together.
因为它是一堆芽菜挤压在一起形成的。
And if you peel one apart leaf by leaf, you'll find that at the center there's a whole head of miniature iceberg lettuce, also known as crispy water,
如果你把它一片一片地剥开，你会发现在中间有一整棵迷你包菜，包菜也被称为脆水，
which if you plant in soil and diligently water for six weeks, you'll see that it just disintegrated into nothing.
如果你把它埋进土里种植，勤勤恳恳地浇六个星期水，你就会发现它最后在土壤里分解了，什么都没有。
We'll start by trimming the stems.
首先把茎剪掉。
Throwing the sprouts helps to tenderize them, I'm pretty sure.
我非常肯定，把小圆白菜扔来扔去可以让它们变得更柔软。
Then remove any rotten or otherwise cosmetically offensive leaves, then we'll run those through the rinsetron and give them a nice towel dry.
然后去掉任何腐烂的或外表磕碜的叶子，然后给它们洗个淋浴，再用毛巾擦干。
You can also just let them drip dry if you've got a sprout drying sack.
如果你有装小圆白菜的袋子，你也可以让它们慢慢沥干。
Next we'll slice our brussels spheres in half, turning those brussels balls into brussels mounds.
接下来把小圆白菜切成两半，把这些白菜球变成半圆形的白菜小山丘。
You can also quarter them if you have a very small mouth.
如果你的嘴很小，也可以把它们切成四半。
The last thing you want to do is cook these whole like a moron.
总之千万不要像个笨蛋一样用一整个去煮
We'll throw those in a bowl with some olive oil, salt, and some pepper pepper pepper.
把小圆白菜放进碗里，再加上橄榄油、盐和胡椒。
Then those can take a ride on the gravitron and also the flippatron.
然后就可以让它们玩一圈转转乐和翻翻乐。
We're going to line a baking sheet with parchment paper and dump those on.
在烤盘上铺上吸油纸，然后把它们倒在上面。
And you'll want to flip them open side down.
要把它们翻一下，切面向下。
Then into the undo, they gundo on four hundo until they're done though.
然后放进烤箱，400度烤着，直到烤熟为止。
Now we're going to create a balsamic reduction, which takes only a few ingredients: balsamic vinegar, a pot, heat, time, patience, tenacity, existence, and belief in yourself.
现在开始熬浓缩香醋汁，只需要几种成分：香醋，锅，火，时间，耐心，坚韧，存在，以及对自己的信念。
Now once it becomes a bubbling cauldron of dark magic, you'll want to turn it down until it's just steaming pretty good.
等到它变成一大锅沸腾的黑魔法液体后，就把火关小一点，让它能冒出蒸汽就行了。
Then keep that going until it reduces by about half.
继续煮，直到锅里的液体熬干一半。
If you go too far, you'll end up with a balsamic rock, which is a delicacy because it costs you thousands of dollars in new teeth.
如果熬得太干，最后锅里就是一块香醋石头，这是一种珍贵美食，因为咬了这石头你就要花几千块钱去买新牙。
And we'll just set that aside so it doesn't keep reducing.
把锅拿开，免得它继续熬干。
Now we'll do a little check-in.
现在去检查一下小圆白菜。
They're getting really nice and toasty.
这些小圆白菜已经烤得很好吃了。
You don't want to cook them too much unless you're making mashed brussatoes.
不要烤得太过，除非你想做软烂的小圆白菜土豆。
Make mashed brussatoes episode.
记住要拍小圆白菜土豆视频。
And now we will drizzle some of that brussizzle on the bristles, am I right?
现在要在小圆白菜上洒一些香醋汁了，对吗？
No, no I'm not.
不，不对。
And hit that with a shot of hot sauce to get that sweet and spicy combo.
往上面淋一点辣椒酱，就可以得到甜辣的组合。
And then hit that with some Parmesan to get that sweet and spicy Italian combo.
然后再撒一些帕尔玛干酪，就可以得到甜辣意大利风味组合。
And now guess how good these are.
现在猜猜这有多好吃。
If you guessed very, you are correct.
如果你猜“非常好处”，那你就猜对了。
But wait, there's more.
但等等，还有其他做法。
Now we're gonna vaporize some brussels sprouts.
现在我们要蒸发一些小圆白菜。
I mean baconize, also garlicize.
说错了，是培根化和大蒜化。
We're gonna chop up some garlic, not too fine.
切一些大蒜，不要切太细。
Then we're gonna chop up some bacon, not too fine.
然后切一些培根，不要切太细。
Then we'll wash our hands, completely fine.
然后洗手，完全没问题。（注：fine可以表示细的、没问题的，这里是双关。）
We're gonna add that to our sprouts with the usual suspects: olive oil, salt, pepper pepper pepper.
在小圆白菜中加入老几样：橄榄油、盐、胡椒。
Then we're gonna wash our hands and the gravitron probably falls short here,
然后洗手，这些小圆白菜用转转乐可能还不够，
so we're gonna whip out the claw to get that nice and wang-jangled, or in this case clang-jangled.
所以伸出你的爪子，把它拌均匀，或者在这种情况下应该叫抓均匀。
Now we'll go ahead and wash our hands.
现在去洗手。
Then we'll spread that out on our parchment-papered pan, covering our sprouts with the bacon and leaving no garlic molecule behind.
然后把它摊在铺了油纸的烤盘上，用培根盖上小圆白菜，不留下任何一个大蒜粒。
Oh look it's a mechanical puzzle sprout. I love these.
看，有一个圆白菜立体拼图。爱玩。
Then we'll try out hand washing to see what that's like.
然后洗手，看看这样烤出来怎么样。
Then into the molecule speeder upper.
放进分子加速器上层。
They got just cook them until they're done all right.
一直把它烤熟。
When you add bacon to any dish, it's like multiplying by zero instead of the number you started with.
当你在任何一道菜中加入培根，就像是用任何数乘以零，而不是乘以你一开始的数字。
You now have zero, or in this case bacon. You're eating bacon and maybe there was something else involved at one point, but it no longer matters.
现在你的菜成了零，在这道菜中只剩下培根，你只能吃到培根，也许曾经还有其他东西，但现在已经不重要了。
Now these may look really good because they are really good.
这些看起来真的很好，因为它们真的很好。
But what I probably should have done was cook the bacon and garlic together for a few minutes, then pour that garlic bacon grease all over the sprouts.
但更好的做法可能是把培根和大蒜一起烤几分钟，然后把大蒜培根油倒在小圆白菜上。
Don't be like me, kids, you need to do better.
别学我，孩子们，你们要青出于蓝。
Remember those leaves we peeled off earlier?
还记得我们之前剥掉的那些叶子吗？
You didn't realize you were making brussels chips, but that's what you're doing.
你没想到你会用这些叶子做薯片，但你现在要做了。
Movie night will never be the same.
电影之夜再也不会和以前一样了。
It'll be much worse because I way overcook these.
电影之夜会变得更糟，因为我把它烤糊了。
Anyway, both of these recipes are awesome.
反正这两个食谱都很棒。
And if you try them, I can honestly promise you that you'll never make brussels sprouts the way you did before again.
如果你试一下，我可以诚实地向你保证，你再也不会像以前那样做小圆白菜了。
Unless the way you made them before tastes better than this way, then you will.
除非你以前的做法比这个更好吃，那么你还是会用以前的做法
Brussels sprout, hey what you are doing?
小圆白菜，嘿，你在做什么？
Seems like you roll, you got to be moving.
你好像在滚动，你要动起来。
Brussels sprout, where are you going?
小圆白菜，你要去哪里？
You got some candy potion to be rolling.
你有一些糖果药水要喝。
Trying to get away from your problems.
你在试着摆脱你的问题。
Just because you're running doesn't mean it's gonna stop them.
逃跑并不意味着你能阻止问题发生。
Brussels sprout take a look at yourself for a change.
小圆白菜，改变一下，看看你自己吧。
In the end you've only got yourself to blame.
到头来，你只能怪自己。
Brussels sprout, no one's perfect.
小圆白菜，人无完人。
I know you can work it out.
我知道你能解决的。
Stop the rolling, to start a toning, and just be good to yourself.
别再滚动，调整一下，对自己好点吧。
