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You suck at cooking, yeah you totatatatally suck.
你的厨艺弱爆了，完完完完全全弱爆了。
Today we're making nougat,
今天我们要做的是牛轧糖，
which is a special sticky salacious substance that can be found in a number of candy bars and hopefully inside your mouth this holiday season.
这是一种很特别很黏的东西，很多糖果棒里都有牛轧糖，在这个假日季节里你的嘴里应该也有牛轧糖。
To make this nougat, we're going to start with an egg white.
要做这个牛轧糖，首先取一些蛋清。
The reason we only use the white part of the egg is because that's the part that does the thing we need in terms of the recipe working the way we want.
我们只用鸡蛋的蛋清，因为要做到食谱上的效果，我们就需要用到蛋清。
The egg white has been brought to room temperature, or actually warm water temperature.
蛋清已经加热到了室温，实际上是温水的温度。
We're gonna electric wang-jangle this until it transforms from unremarkable egg goop into a luxurious bubble bath.
然后用电动搅拌机把蛋清打发，让它从平凡的鸡蛋粘液变成豪华的泡泡浴。
And once you find yourself with a nice stiffy peak, then our job with the egg white is done, for now.
你发现打出了漂亮坚挺的尖后，蛋清工作就完成了，至少现在完成了。
And in the seventh minute it may rest.
在第七分钟，它可以休息一下。（注：化用《圣经》中的句子，上帝创世第七天休息。）
This year I'm celebrating with an aloe plant decorated with chickpeas
今年我用鹰嘴豆装饰了芦荟来庆祝圣诞节，
because I don't think an evergreen tree would survive the arid climate near the manger, so I think this is just a little more authentic for Christmas.
因为我不认为一棵常青的松树能在马槽附近的干燥环境中生存下来，所以我认为用芦荟过圣诞节更真实一些。（注：耶稣诞生在马槽旁。）
Now we'll add a cup of sugar to a saucepan.
现在在平底锅里加一杯糖。
And then we'll add another third cup of bee sugar and 1.5 tablespoons of sugar-free hydrogenated oxygen.
然后再加三分之一杯蜂蜜和1.5勺无糖氢氧化合物。
We'll wang-jangle that on medium heat.
开中火，搅拌均匀。
Some recipes say do it until it's dissolved.
一些食谱说，要一直搅拌到它溶解。
Others insist on getting it to somewhere between 245 and 300 degrees Fahrenheit.
其他食谱坚持说要把温度调到245到300华氏度之间。
I've got my candy/deep fry thermometer here and I will say one thing: I'm very mistrustful of round numbers like 300.
我的糖果/油炸温度计就放在这里，我要说：我非常不信任像300这样的整数。
It's probably 286 or 297, so I'm going to stop short because ** the man, the cooking man I guess.
现在温度可能是286或297，所以我要停止加热了，去他的，去他的做饭的男的。
Now I'm going to take that off the heat and let it cool a bit.
现在我要把锅离火，让它冷却一点。
We have this beautiful caramel color, which I'm going to be super careful with because that is unbelievably scaldingly hot and will hurt you badly if you touch it.
对于这种美丽的焦糖色，我会特别小心，因为它烫得令人难以置信，碰到了就会被烫伤。
Beautiful but dangerous, like a golden poison dart frog but less jumpy.
美丽但危险，就像一只金色的箭毒蛙，只是不太会跳。
And now back to the egg suds.
现在来看看鸡蛋肥皂泡。
I'm going to put in a teaspoon of vanilla, which is the salt of baking, and a pinch of salt, which is also the salt of baking.
放入一勺香草精，香草精就是烘焙用的盐，再放一小撮盐，盐也是烘焙用的盐。
Now I'm going to slowly incorporate that molten sugar into the foam party.
现在慢慢地把融化的糖加入泡沫派对。
Now this is far safer to do with a stand mixer, so don't do this.
用立式搅拌机要安全得多，所以不要像我这样做。
Bit by bit we go and this is starting to thicken up big time.
一点一点地倒进去，泡沫开始变得越来越厚实了。
Look at that, it makes molasses, look like a freaking Jackrabbit.
看，变成糖浆了，看起来像一只变态的兔子。
If you can't remember how to spell molasses, just remember it's mol, then assess, then take away one s, then put them together.
如果你不记得怎么拼写糖浆这个词，只要记住首先是摩尔，然后是评估，然后去掉一个S，然后把它们放在一起。
And now we'll put some parchment paper inside this loaf pan,
现在我要在这个面包烤盘里放一些油纸，
which took me too long because I forgot how to do the cuts, but I eventually figured it out with perseverance.
这花了我很长时间，因为我忘了怎么剪纸了，但我最终还是坚持不懈地找到了答案。
Now we'll fold in the nuts.
现在把坚果倒进去。
I'm putting in this amount of almonds and this amount of pistachios.
我放了这么多杏仁和这么多开心果。
You know how the famous saying goes: Life's too short to measure your nuts.
你知道有句名言说：生命太短暂，不要浪费在量坚果上。
Now we'll pour in the goop and learn a hard lesson about not having your pan ready, and letting it cool off too much, and generally not knowing what you're doing.
现在倒入粘性物质，并因为没有把烤盘准备好、让糖浆冷却太久，总之就是不知道自己在做什么而吸取惨痛教训。
But we'll just do our best and get this thing that's no longer a liquid kind of flatish.
但我们会尽最大的努力，把这个不再是液体的东西抹得平一点。
And we'll throw that in the molecule slower downer for around half an hour or so.
然后把它扔进分子减速器里，放大约半个小时。
I also did a carrot version of the aloe to bridge the gap between Christmas and Easter, Santa and bunnies, life and death, etc.
我还制作了一个胡萝卜版的芦荟，来连接圣诞节和复活节、圣诞老人和兔子、生和死等等之间的距离。
Now I'm gonna power stone crush some candy canes.
现在我要用能量石砸碎一些拐杖糖。
You'd think with all the power stone crushing I've done, I know how to cover things by now, but I refuse to learn.
你可能会想，我用了这么多能量石来砸碎东西，我肯定知道砸的时候要盖上一层纸，但我拒绝学习。
** the man.
去他的做饭男。
Then we'll get these candy bits into the nougat and work that into a long slender ice cube tray before that joins the other nougat in the air densifier.
然后将这些糖果碎放入牛轧糖中，并填入一个细长的冰块盘中，然后再将另一块牛轧糖一起放入空气增稠器中。
Now be really careful when you're handling this stuff because it's actually the main ingredient in Gorilla Glue.
处理这些东西的时候要非常小心，因为它实际上是大猩猩胶水的主要成分。
Look what you can do with this stuff.
看看你能用这些东西做什么。
Look at that, cupboards are now obsolete and this is what I call stickception.
看看，橱柜都已经过时了，我愿称之为“黏性概念”。
Are you gonna actually eat this stuff? It's gonna bind your colon and you'll die. Don't do it.
你真的要吃这些东西吗？它会粘住你的肠子，你会死的。不要吃它。
All right, so our nougat is set, good luck cutting this.
好了，牛轧糖已经准备好了，接下来就是切，祝你好运。
It's a real pain in the molasses.
切这个糖真是让人头疼。
But with a little bit of elbow grease and a lot of regret, you'll get there, I'm pretty sure.
不过，我敢肯定，只要付出一点努力，再加上很多遗憾，你就会成功的。
The band-aid aloe symbolizes the healing that takes place over the holidays and also the pain.
创可贴芦荟象征着节日期间的治愈，也象征着痛苦。
The healing and/or pain we experience as we gather with family.
象征当我们与家人团聚时，我们所经历的治愈和/或痛苦。
The pain of love and also the love of pain, and also how we shouldn't kink shame anyone's family for loving pain.
爱的痛苦，以及对痛苦的爱，我们也不应该因为别人喜欢痛苦而对别人的性癖进行羞辱。
And here's the candy cane version, which I put in the freezer due to a pavlovian reflex or something.
这是加了拐杖糖的牛轧糖，由于巴甫洛夫反射或其他原因，我把它放进了冰箱。
This is difficult and would be way easier if it was more pliable, and also if I greased it up first with cooking spray or the power of my mind or something.
真是很难抠出来，要是模具软一点，或者我往上面喷了点油或者用我的脑子给它润滑一下，就会更容易抠出来。
And there you have your delicious holiday glue.
然后你就有了美味的节日胶水。
Enjoy, or just buy like a box of chocolates or something.
请尽情享受，或者干脆买一盒巧克力什么的。
You better not shout, you better not cry.
你最好不要喊，你最好不要哭。
Cause Santa doesn't want you expressing your emotions.
因为圣诞老人不想让你表达你的情绪。
Only happy feelings above all commotion.
只有快乐的感觉和热闹的骚动。
Shove those feelings down way beyond your esophagus.
把这些感觉吞入食道深处。
Faster run a smile and laugh while it's about in.
当糖果吞下去，快快微笑和大笑。
Don't you cry. You better not cry.
不要哭了。你最好不要哭。
There's only room for smiling at Christmas time.
圣诞节的时候，只能微笑。
No, don't you cry, shed no tears.
不，你不要哭，不要流泪。
Cause Santa's watching you all year.
因为圣诞老人一整年都在看着你。
Oh what a guy.
哦，这个家伙。
