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You suck at cooking, yeah you totally suck.
你的厨艺弱爆了，完全弱爆了。
Today we're making Guacamole.
今天我们做牛油果酱。
We're gonna use avocado and onion, tomato, lime, cilantro, salt. That's it.
需要用到牛油果，洋葱，青柠檬，香菜，盐。就这些。
No hot banana pepper rings. No bull Puckey.
不需要酸辣泡椒圈，不需要花里胡哨。
We're gonna use three of these muddy truckers.
我们会用到三个牛油果。
We'll take the first one and just crack that open.
第一个直接敲一下，外壳就开了。
Then we'll slice that apart and then hold the nail against your cutting board to pop out the pit.
然后切成两半，砧板上放一根钉子，用钉子把果核顶出来。
Another way to open an avocado is to give it a good roll.
另一个办法就是把牛油果滚一下。
Then strip off that snake skin.
然后撕掉它蜕下来的皮。
Then use a standard sized avocado "depitulator," which in one fell swoop,
然后用一个标准尺寸的牛油果"去核器"，咔一下子，
which in one slick flick, which in one swift motion can effortlessly depitulate almost anything.
咔咔一下子，咔咔咔一下子，就轻轻松松地能去掉任何果核。
And then another way to approach this is to use the power of gravity and then you just want to oh...
还有一种办法是利用重力，然后直接......
I got one of those GMO avocados that has the cilantro built inside it.
这是一个转基因牛油果，里面长了香菜。
If you don't like cilantro, you're a frigging human who is born with the genetic variant known as a single nucleotide polymorphism which makes it taste like soap.
如果你不喜欢香菜，那是因为你有一种叫单核苷酸多态性的基因变异，这种变异让你觉得香菜吃起来像香皂。
You're not fussy. You're just unlucky.
你不是矫情事多，你只是不幸有了变异。
Now make a pitch kebab and roast it over a piping hot stove element.
现在可以把烤串放在热炉子上烤了。
Now let's get that fatty guac flesh into the bowl, and we'll take a lime.
把肥美的牛油果肉放进碗里，拿一个青柠。
We'll squeeze a couple wedges onto that. Then use a four-pronged spoon to smash it all up.
挤几瓣青柠汁进去，然后用一个四齿叉子把果肉都压碎。
I'll add in a half teaspoon of salt, which we'll adjust later.
加入半勺盐，等一下可以再调整。
Now let's chop that cilantro. Herbs, also known as herbs, are often more easily chopped by scrunching them into a ball first.
把香菜切碎。herbs也可以读作erbs，把这种香草团成一个球之后会更容易切碎。
But this is messing with my claw grip, so I'm gonna do this the old-fashioned way by asking my mom to do it for me.
但我手指蜷缩着很不好弄，所以我要用老式切法，找我妈给我切。
Mom. I'm busy. Fine.
妈。我忙着呢。好吧。
Then we'll take some white onion. Chop it a flap and chop.
然后拿一个白皮洋葱，横切竖切。
We can also throw that on auto chop.
也可以开启自动切碎模式。
This doesn't work well if your knife isn't haunted.
要是你的刀没中邪的话，这个办法就不太灵。
I'll throw most of that in, but we'll see how much it needs later.
我先把这些倒进去，等会儿再看需要用多少洋葱。
Then we'll take a tomato and we'll de-seed it, so the guac doesn't get soupy, and chop it somewhat finely because I don't like big chunks.
拿一个西红柿，把籽去掉，免得最后的酱太稀，西红柿切碎一点，因为我不喜欢有大块。
But you can put the tomato in whole for all I care.
但你就算把西红柿整个放进去，也不关我的事。
Now along with the lime, you've got two hits of acid, which will make this taste more expansive.
现在加上青柠，已经有两种酸东西了，这样酱的味道会更有延展性。
Now these things will put hair on your chest.
这种辣椒会让你长胸毛。
Especially if you dip them in glue, then dip them in hair, then wipe them on your chest.
特别是用辣椒蘸上胶水，再蘸上一些毛发，然后把毛发粘在胸上之后。
You can go with just a dash if you want.
想加的话也可以加一点辣椒。
But if you want more, the spoon is your friend here to de-seed it.
要是想多加辣椒，勺子就是用来去籽的好伙伴。
Then chop it to your preferred level of microscopic heat burst.
然后把辣椒切成你喜欢的碎度，带来微型辣味小爆发。
Some people like to use the jalapeno egg nest. But not me.
有人喜欢用墨西哥辣椒籽，但我不喜欢。
Eggs are for chickens, or come from them, or whatever.
蛋是用来孵小鸡的，或者是小鸡生的，或者管他什么的。
Then we'll take exactly 1 cup of raisins. And pour that into your roommates pillowcase.
现在倒不多不少正好一杯葡萄干，然后把葡萄干倒进你室友的枕头套里。
Now we'll just wang-jangle that together until it's been thoroughly wang-janged.
现在开始搅拌，直到完全搅拌均匀。
If you want to speed things up a bit, grab a set of wang chucks.
要是想加快速度，可以拿一套搅拌器。
You can do this at twice the speed in half the time with twice as much awkwardness and half the space.
这个搅拌器能让你速度加倍，时间减半，局促加倍，空间减半。
Now we'll just taste and adjust.
现在尝尝味道，然后调整一下。
I'm gonna throw in another quarter teaspoon of salt here, bringing it up to three-quarters of a teaspoon total.
我要再加四分之一勺盐，这样就一共加了四分之三勺盐。
And I'm not even detecting the presence of onions. So that's gonna go in.
我甚至都没看到还有洋葱，现在把洋葱放进去。
Now we'll just taste it again and...God.
再尝一下。天啊。
If you bring this to a party and people try it, I swear to god they'll take one bite and say:
你要是把这个酱带去派对，让大家尝，我发誓他们尝了一口后肯定会说：
That could use more lime, or I would have used lemon, or this isn't actually authentic.
可以再加点青柠檬，或者我会用黄柠檬，或者这个酱不太正宗啊。
I'd like bigger chunks. I would have made it a little less green.
我喜欢大块牛油果的。我觉得颜色可以不要这么绿。
Did you forget to put your...? Guacamole in a bowl? My secret ingredient is...Is is from Costco? My aunt Kathy...Where's the hot really? I don't taste...makes a guac that will blow your freaking mind. These really need raisins.
你是不是忘了加......谁把牛油果酱装碗里啊？我的秘密配方是......是好市多超市买的吗？我的凯西阿姨......哪里有辣味啊？我没尝到......谁谁谁做的牛油果酱真的好吃到上头。酱里面绝对差点葡萄干。
