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Fai schifo a cuchinaray, yeah, totalmente schifo.
你的厨艺弱爆了，完全弱爆了。
Fettuccine Alfredo is a simple three ingredient pasta that's made using only three ingredients.
阿尔弗雷德奶油意面是一种只需三种原料的简单意面。
It's often known as Fettuccine Al Burro in Italy, which translates to butter fetish.
意大利的叫法是Fettuccine Al Burro，意思是黄油迷恋。
It's made with just pasta, hard milk and soft milk, also known as grease milk.
食材只有意面、硬牛奶和软牛奶，软牛奶也叫黄油。
This dish was invented by Alfredo De Leglio in 1908 back before cream was invented and all people had was butter and cheese.
这道菜由阿尔弗雷德·德·莱利奥在1908年发明，当时奶油还没发明，人们只有黄油和奶酪。
Speaking of butter, before you do anything else get your butter out of the fridge and let it come up to room temperature.
说到黄油，开始之前先把黄油从冰箱里拿出来，让它变成室温。
You're gonna need more than that.
这一块可能不够。
Yeah a bit more, a bit more than that. There we go.
再来一点，再来一点，可以了。
For every pound of pasta you need a half pound of butter and a half pound of parmesan.
每一磅意面需要配半磅黄油和半磅帕尔马干酪。
In metric that's one kilogram of pasta for every 500 grams of butter and 5 billion nanograms of parmesan.
用度量衡表示，就是一公斤意面需要500克黄油和50亿毫微克帕尔马干酪。
In medical that's one heart attack of butter and three colonoscopies of parm.
用医学术语表示，就是一次心脏病的黄油和三次结肠镜的帕尔马。
In other words, Mr. Alfredo was not f* around when he made this dish.
换句话说，阿尔弗雷德先生在做这道菜的时候真是没开玩笑。
Allegedly for his wife who had stopped eating after giving birth.
据说是他老婆生孩子之后就不吃东西了，然后他就给老婆做了这个。
We're gonna get this parm ready by grading it on the smallest setting so that it melts easily.
要把帕尔马干酪刮得尽可能细，这样就能很容易融化了。
This is the one setting grater and this is gonna turn from parmesan rock into a fluffy parmesan cloud.
这就是我要用的刮板，它能把石头一样的帕尔马变成软软的云朵。
At last. Look at this beautiful mountain. Actually we're only halfway there.
终于。欣赏一下这座漂亮的小山。其实我才刮了一半。
Grating parmesan is the official national exercise of Italy, which is why Italians have really thick wrists.
刮帕尔马是意大利的官方国民运动，所以意大利人的手腕都很粗。
Okay, we finally have our... Damn it. Come on wrist, you can do it.
好的，终于刮......靠！加油啊手腕，你可以的。
Pretend you're 22 and single.
假装你是22岁的单身小伙子。
Finally we've arrived at the parmesan promised land.
终于到了帕尔马许诺之地。
Keep these and throw them in a soup stock.
这些干酪可以留下来，放进汤底里。
Also learn how to make soup stock, self.
以及自己学会怎样做汤底。
If you don't have fettuccine, you can glue a few pieces of spaghetti side by side.
如果你没有意大利宽面，可以把细的意面并排粘在一起。
Or you can take a lasagna noodle and smash it against the wall.
也可以拿一张千层面，把它往墙上摔碎。
So I have this fresh pasta that I totally made earlier but I don't really want to show off.
这些是我之前做好的新鲜意大利面，但是我真的不想显摆。
So you can just go ahead and use the dry stuff and make it fresh by spraying on some countryside breeze and essence of ocean mist.
你也可以直接用干的意面，然后喷上乡野微风和海洋迷雾来让它变得更新鲜。
We're going to salt this water until nothing can survive in it, not even noodles.
水里加盐，咸到什么东西在里面都活不下去，包括面条。
Then bring it up to a maniacal boil and add in the noods.
把水煮到狂暴状态，然后加入面条。
Then get it to a more mentally balanced boil and I'll cook these for a few minutes.
然后让水保持一个比较情绪稳定的状态，继续煮几分钟。
Check the directions on whatever noods you're bathing.
检查一下所有面条的方向，翻动一下。
Now we're gonna chop up our room temperature butter and spread it out in this bowl like a keto snack platter.
然后把室温的黄油切片放进碗里，就像做了一大盘生酮小吃一样。
If your butter isn't really soft enough, feel free to give it a light zap in the laser beam box.
要是黄油不够软，可以放进激光箱里稍微转一下。
Now we'll slide our noods right out of the pot and on top of the butter so we have maximum heat,
现在把面条从锅里捞出来，直接放在黄油上，这样就有最高的温度，
and some of that liquid coming along for the artery clogging ride.
还有一些液体，能润滑一下堵塞的动脉。
Now take three quarters of a cup of cream and tell it the truth.
倒四分之三杯奶油并且跟它说实话。
I don't need you. You weren't good enough for Mr. Alfredo so you're not good enough for me.
我不需要你，阿尔弗雷德先生觉得你不够好，我也觉得你不够好。
Now take your mountain cloud of parmesan and throw half of it in there with careless disregard for its feelings.
把你的帕尔马云朵小山端过来，不顾它的感受地随意扔一半进去。
And it's time to wangjangle. Look at how that just disappears.
可以搅拌了。看，马上就融化了。
Let's add the other half.
再把另一半倒进去。
As you can see, the melted grease milk is combining with the shredded rock milk and what we end up with is creamy Alfredo sauce,
如你所见，融化的黄油和碎干酪融合在一起，就成了黏糊糊的阿尔弗雷德酱。
which I'm sure Mr. Alfredo is looking down and smiling about right now if the afterlife exists and he still cares, which he definitely does.
我相信阿尔弗雷德先生现在肯定面带微笑地从天上看着我，如果死后人还有知觉而且他还在乎的话，他肯定在乎的。
From the top, make it drop, that's some feta cheney.
拎起来，掉下去，这就是奶油意面。
And then while you're eating it, you can just cross off one day of your life with each delicious bite.
吃这个意面的时候，每吃一口美味的意面，就可以在日历上划掉你生命的一天。
Now it tastes great like this,
这样味道已经很好了，
but you can add some pepper pepper pepper if you prefer or some hot sauce.
如果你喜欢，也可以加一些胡椒胡椒胡椒或者辣椒酱。
But just be aware Mr. Alfredo is watching and he'll come to you in your sleep,
但要记住，阿尔弗雷德先生在看着你，他会趁你睡着的时候过来，
he'll sneak into your room in his ghostly body,
他那幽灵的身体会飘进你的房间，
and come really close and then he'll whisper in your ear:
然后飘到离你很近的地方，在你的耳边低声说:
"I don't give a f*. I'm already dead. Enjoy."
"我才不在乎，我都已经死了，你慢慢吃吧。"
