You suck at cooking, yeah you totally suck.

Today we're gonna make salmon.

The first thing I want to say about salmon is never eat salmon.

It's wrong and it's 90 percent mercury, so

unless you have a high merculy, mercury, merculy?

Mercilis? The ancient, god, minerals, mercilis?

Unless you have a high mercury tolerance you will die.

So don't do that.

But if you, if you must eat salmon, then eat it this way or one of the other thousands of ways that you can also prepare it.

A third or so cup of maple syrup, maybe a tablespoon of soy sauce or two.

Now we're going to take some garlic.

I'm going to grate the garlic in because I really hate chopping it.

Now I'm just grating my fingers right into it, which is not a good flavor.

We put two of these in because garlic tastes great, maybe three even.

You never know with me. I might do anything.

The most hygienic way to clean a grater off is to use your finger.

I'm going to take some ginger.

I'm gonna put in maybe, I don't know, a lot, because it's good.

I'm also going to put in just a little bit of green onion.

This is what salmon looks like; it's got a pinkish orangish almost salmony color to it.

Now don't worry. He's used to being inside a lot of liquids so this is going to feel really good to him.

Like oh yeah, that's where I came from.

You want to leave this soaking in the marinade for at least thirty minutes, maybe up to an hour.

And you'll flip it once or twice, which is another thing fish also like to do: flip and flop around.

So in the refrigerator.

While that's marinating, I'm just going to quickly show you how to identify a salmon from the outside.

Basically it looks like this.

This is the tail region. It flaps that to swim.

This is the head region and uses this to navigate, to consume food and to communicate with other salmon.

And the lungs are in here, uses to breathe water.

Another interesting thing is salmon is also an anagram for slam on

So it's an easy way to remember something.

As you can see I flipped that salmon.

So now I'm going to take that salmon and put it in this pan and

I'm getting like a sort of deliciously crusty top maybe, could also be a huge mistake.

The onion is set to 400 degrees.

Now while that's cooking, you want to just discard the remaining marinade. No, you don't.

You put it in this pan and then we're going to reduce it a little bit.

So you just want to simmer that at about 4 degrees.

It's almost like a chocolate caramel syrup. No, it's not.

It's looking pretty great.

But it's the inside that counts, just like with love.

That is done. It's still going to cook for a bit so you can probably leave it just slightly underdone.

Now if I already hadn't put on too much marinade, then I would just drizzle a little bit of that reduced marinade.

But honestly it's already too much, so don't do that.

You know the only thing left to do is reconcile your emotions around

deciding to destroy the life of a fish that was just minding his own business and probably had a really great life in the ocean.

And the way I do that is I like to write a letter to the family of the salmon,

and put in a bottle,

and then I start to sing:

Salmon, what did you ever do to us?

We really lost your trust when we hate you.

Salmon, can we ever make it right?

Probably not, since you're dead now, so I think I'll just take a delicious bite.

You're a fish and you were born to swim, not a digestive acids.

But only oh oh oh oh oh sure you were a fish, but you're not a fish anymore.

You're looking down to an extent that can best be described as molecular.

Guess you shouldn't have fallen for that lure.

The lesson of life is that you live and learn except when you die and then it's all over.

You're never coming back, and we're all gonna die.

You're never coming back and we're all gonna die.

Yeah we're all gonna die, we're all gonna die, die, die.

I'm gonna die.

You suck at cooking, oh my god, you suck.

You suck at cooking and we're all gonna die.

You suck at cooking, oh my god, you suck so much and we're all gonna die